(no subject)
i have way too many secrets and i'm terrible at decisions. i break too many hearts. i have a tendancy to push away anything that's good for me. i'm probably too secure with fucking up. i'm not afraid of failure. i'm not afraid of myself, but i put out a clear warning that everyone else should be if they plan on caring about me at all. i told one lie that changed everything, and i haven't lied since. i'm probably way too honest. i over analyze everything. i'm also self-centered, as you can see.. since this entire entry is about myself.
for a while i was all that mattered to a boy. you hear people talk about being someone's 'everything' and you think one of two things. 1) cute. 2) incredibly cheesy. i happen to think it's pretty cheesy if it's said to the boyfriend you change weekly and exclaim it in your aim profile as '~ *! b@by yer mah everything! luv yazz!!!* ~' or something just as pathetic. yet when it comes down to having nothing else to keep you from shattering apart than this one certain person and having no one see that's how things are - it's cute, i swear. i was someone's everything, which was great because it wasn't even intimate. a strictly friends relationship in which we'd choose each other over the world. i let that slip away somehow as we each gained back pieces of our lives and pieces of ourselves and now i've gone from "everything" to "closest friend that's a girl." i liked things better when everything was wrong except our friendship and i could count on being yelled at by him and being knocked back into my right mind for making stupid decisions, jumping with excitement over the littlest discoveries only the two of us could smile and laugh about, squeezing his hand when i got scared and feeling him squeezing my hand back with fright but pretending to be fearless so i wouldn't be as afraid, running and rolling around in grass, laying and gazing at stars, dancing when we saw one shoot across the sky, and being constantly just seconds away from breaking. during that time i hated myself and just about everyone around me. now i'm happy and positive and have a great group of friends who i love to death, yet things don't feel right like they used to. maybe there really isn't a right way.
for a while i was all that mattered to a boy. you hear people talk about being someone's 'everything' and you think one of two things. 1) cute. 2) incredibly cheesy. i happen to think it's pretty cheesy if it's said to the boyfriend you change weekly and exclaim it in your aim profile as '~ *! b@by yer mah everything! luv yazz!!!* ~' or something just as pathetic. yet when it comes down to having nothing else to keep you from shattering apart than this one certain person and having no one see that's how things are - it's cute, i swear. i was someone's everything, which was great because it wasn't even intimate. a strictly friends relationship in which we'd choose each other over the world. i let that slip away somehow as we each gained back pieces of our lives and pieces of ourselves and now i've gone from "everything" to "closest friend that's a girl." i liked things better when everything was wrong except our friendship and i could count on being yelled at by him and being knocked back into my right mind for making stupid decisions, jumping with excitement over the littlest discoveries only the two of us could smile and laugh about, squeezing his hand when i got scared and feeling him squeezing my hand back with fright but pretending to be fearless so i wouldn't be as afraid, running and rolling around in grass, laying and gazing at stars, dancing when we saw one shoot across the sky, and being constantly just seconds away from breaking. during that time i hated myself and just about everyone around me. now i'm happy and positive and have a great group of friends who i love to death, yet things don't feel right like they used to. maybe there really isn't a right way.