you have my attention, like you've had all the while

[_____upsell]

it's the best feeling in the world, seeing someone you haven't seen in months & getting the same feeling you used to get everyday. it's the worst feeling when you pick up that the feeling isn't mutual. i can't say for a fact that josh doesn't feel the way he used to, but it feels like it. i don't know what to do. if he has a girlfriend, i'll be heartbroken, but it's probably for the best. it took me forever to put him in the back of my mind. to keep him from overwhelming me. he makes me incredibly happy, just being his friend & being who he is. but it's so hard. wanting something you can't have. i saw him a few weeks ago, after not seeing him for months, & he still takes my breath away. i saw him at laura's graduation. & i didn't know what to do with my hands. i saw him at work today & i couldn't say what i wanted to say to him. i feel like such a juvenile. he's the only boy that i feel completely comfortable with but at the same time, i never know how to say things. i don't know where the line is anymore. if he's taken, i have to respect that. even though i'll always think he can do better.

this is ridiculous. i just want to be his best friend again. i want us to talk like we used to, even if there's nothing more than total understanding & friendship. i just want us to be close again. him & lee are the greatest guys in the world & i don't know what i would dowithout them.

xo