.HUNDREDTHIRTYNINE
THESE ARE ALL MUSSELS!!! AGGGH
new jersey is my absolute favorite place-so far I mean. I remember two years ago when we went, I would sit and pray on the deck of the room that we stayed in at night; I would just pray and pray. a lot for my sister, and I've seen a lot of those things that I asked come to pass for her. I was looking forward to it this time, but the accomodations weren't quite the same, and I never really felt like I had time or space to just sit on the deck and pray, so I didn't very often. and when I did, it was quick. but the trip was nice. my camera is still in new york, and I was pretty close to it, being in jersey and all. but the quality of the photos isn't that amazing; it makes me a little disappointed. also, I could only take so many pictures, because of the card that this camera had. not that any of you care. I guess this is all for me. I did, though, stole a lot of music from a good friend of mine, and my ipod survived the sixteen hour trip to ocean city, so I had a good amount of new music to listen to. included mat kearny. amazing.
I've been feeling like I can't get ahold of anything lately. first it was my mind, then it was my sanity, then it was my heart, now it's even down to my own emotions and I don't know what I should feel and how and I wonder what the truth is in certain situations. I would just like to know so that I could stand on it. but a lot of the times, I don't know. and a lot of the times, I feel that my heart is just terrible. I feel like it's just this big ball of poop that just has to be fixed before God has anything to do with it. so when I try to hide from Him and tell Him and myself that my heart is just too bad...I don't know. but I was thinking in the car today that the business of my heart is not my business. I was thinking of the subject that my heart was dirty, and I sort of felt my Father saying, "that's not your business; that's mine." really. hahahhahahahha. it made a lot of sense to me. I've given Him my heart. He resides there, all cramped and squished, giving me the thumbs up when I look into it. but I can not change my heart; I can not change the way that I think or how I feel about things or the cleanliness of my heart as a whole-that's His stinkin' job. so when I think about it, and I feel that my heart is bad, I sort of just see Him looking at me like, "so what? you think I'm doing a bad job?" the business of my heart is His, and it's in His direct line of vision. that's what He's come to do-to heal it and to make it whole and to glorify it and to grow it. He's got this.
but one that that I do: forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead.