(no subject)
♥ this is love ♥
I haven’t been writing things down recently. Just the occasional napkin scribble, poems lacking in structure or sense. Nothing worthy of sharing with the masses.
I haven’t kept a diary recently to document events. You know, dates and times. There’s a whole three months of my life where I’ve got nothing to show, apart from a tooth-dented Budweiser lid and a couple of empty bottles of vodka.
I know there’s an unwritten code round this joint that you only write pretty things. You know the type - clever, witty prose or short abstract poetry. Appropriate synonyms, attractive modifiers
Hell, I’m breaking the mold.
I’ve spent three months feeling pretty lost and finally I’m beginning to feel found. There’s no metaphor here. No ambiguous pronouns [he said, she said]. Dates and times. Names and faces. Because you know, everyone’s guilty so I ain’t got no one to protect.
There’s a story behind the cut. It’s not pretty. It’s not well-written. It’s just some thoughts I need to get down. It’s for me, not the reader.
December 2004. I meet James at a From Autumn to Ashes/Senses Fail show in London through mutual friends. We get chatting; he seems like a nice guy. Into biking, extreme sports, hardcore music. Studying Applied Engineering. Twenty One. We went to the movies a few times. Hung out, made out, that kinda thing. He’s nice, but just a bit too…slow. It sounds horrible, I know. I tried to end it with him, did the obligatory “Let’s go out tomorrow night, but just as friends.” He kissed me. I let him. He then thought we were together, which was entirely my fault. I couldn’t hurt him again, I thought it was easier and kinder for him to make him think it was all okay than to end it again.
February 2005. I’m staying at Lisa’s for a few days, she introduces me to Stefan [Stef]. He’s drastically emo, likes the O.C and decent music, has a vicious dislike for Chris [of the evil ex variety] due to some silly “who’s more emo than who” conflict. For the aforementioned reasons [and copious amounts of vodka and pepsi max], we hit it off. The following night, there’s a repeat performance - until Rachel [who shall henceforth be referred to as manipulative bitch - for other reasons than just this - and who I fortunately have had limited contact with since] tells Stef about James. Understandably Stef is upset. Add to that that Stef is emo. Drastically emo. I don’t mean to sound insensitive or heartless but his reaction was ridiculously extreme. Lots of tears, and then he goes into Lisa’s kitchen and self-harms with one of her knives. The injuries were pretty insignificant, but it was still pretty distressing. Feeling responsible for someone hurting themselves is the worst feeling, you can’t help but feel like an incredibly terrible person when to be entirely honest it was an excessive overreaction on his part.
13th February. The evening of this event. I go to see my friend Tom’s band play at a local venue. James is there, as is Stef, and an ex called Joe (drama Joe, for those who were around two years ago). Joe is exceedingly flirtatious and Dan tells me Joe still has feelings for me. James still thinks we’re together. And Stef is bitter about the previous events. I tried to keep them all happy, shuffled my way between them. Which turned out to be very, very foolish in a small place. Tried to keep everyone happy, ended up hurting everyone. Slut whore slut what what what.
By some miracle of nature, they’re now actually all cool with me. I saw Stef and James on Monday night, and I saw Joe on Thursday and we’re all cool. Which is rather remarkable, but nevertheless it was a horrible and nasty stressful time.
So just when I think my life is relatively trauma-free, who should rear his proverbial ugly head again but Chris. After seven months (yes that’s right, seven months) of no contact, no attempts for friendship, and general mutual hatred, he randomly texts me some sort of song lyric about true love not being simple and him needing a minute of my time to tell me where I stand and all that kind of thing. When you add to that lyrics from Konstantine, The Postal Service’s ‘Such Great Heights’ and assorted Dresden Dolls prettiness that he knows we both love, it wouldn’t be a crazy assumption to think he wants some sort of a relationship, or at least friendship. Wrong again. He then says he just wanted to “reopen the lines of communication” and that he doesn’t want me back. So yeah, thanks for clarifying. Then I saw him (by chance) on Monday night and it was its usual splendid awkwardness.
I don’t miss him. Not as much as I thought I would. Despite everything he said and all the shit we’ve been through, I still think he’s a great person. I miss his sarcasm and idiosyncrasies and obscure obsessions with retro cartoons and the fact that he’s the only person over ten who watches shows on the Disney Channel. There’s a lot of stuff I don’t miss though. But this time last year I was in his arms and it feels like summer these days and it’s sad I haven’t got a hand to hold.
I just want someone to love me like he once swore he did, someone with a sense of irony, someone to make me mixtapes and write me letters. It all sounds so clichéd and I wish it didn’t. To be entirely honest I don’t really know what I want.
What upsets most these past few months is I’ve spent far too much time with new friends. With Lisa, Emma, Maz, Amy, Zoe - drinking a hideous amount and to be completely honest, wasting my life. It’s all been happening so fast and I know I need to get a hold on things. If I want Oxford (I don’t even know if that’s what I want) then I need to actually do a hell of a lot of work. Either way, I’d like to keep it an option. At the moment I’m looking at doing joint honours in Maths and Philosophy, at a city university like York, Oxford or Bristol. They’re my top three at the moment anyway, am also considering Kings London, Nottingham and Warwick. There’s just a lot of questions spinning round my head. I’m scared to death of going to Oxford and ending up like my parents. I’m sure there’s more to life but at the same time I can imagine myself doing some sort of code breaking maths stuff, or finance journalism and absolutely loving it.
I’ve lost a lot of my previous morals and values recently. I’ve lost some of my best friends too - Katie, Loz, Alice… I’m lucky in that I still see Gee loads, but she’s moving to Aberdeen and that’s gonna be really difficult to deal with at first. We’re going to do a photography course together soon though, and I can’t wait. I miss Emily and Phoebe desperately too. And Loz feels so much further away than she ever has done before - I know there’s so much going wrong in her life recently and all I’ve done is sat back and watched - never stepped in, never been able to help. And I know that makes me terrible. I don’t see Alice nearly as much as I should, and she’s someone else who’s needed someone recently. And I need her. Passionately. And Katie. I don’t deserve a best friend like Katie. Her unconditional support and love, even though we’re now so so different, has meant everything. I don’t know how she puts up with me, I lead a life so different to hers and I’m sure in so many ways she must disapprove of my choices and my actions. But she doesn’t judge, and we can still talk about everything and I love her so fucking much.
I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve got some really strong male friends at the moment though. Tom, Shez, Joe. All of who make me smile so much in their own amazing ways. This is starting to sound all sentimental and stuff but I’m really lucky to have them and I’ve lost track of things like that recently. Joe sent me the most amazing photographs of his week in New York, and I really want to go back there now. Me and my sister are planning a trip to Paris. I can’t wait.
I know it’s my sister that I’ve hurt a lot in all of this, and this makes me feel incredibly guilty because she’s definitely my best friend and she is everything to me. She’s the only person who truly knows me, and I’ve worried her sick by not being at home when I said I’d be, by cancelling plans last minute, by staying at Lisa’s and not letting her know where I am.
There’s a lot more that I could say, but I just needed to get some things down and out of my head.
Today has been a good day. I got tickets to Glastonbury. 8 million hits to the website in the 3 hours tickets were on sale. 125 000 tickets sold in 3 hours. It’s just ridiculous. Obviously little is confirmed atm - but White Stripes, Killers, Bloc Party, Coldplay, Embrace and Razorlight are almost finalised. Other strongly rumoured acts that I can't wait to see are The Subways, Kaiser Chiefs, Interpol, Kasabian, Ani Difranco, Elbow, Hot Hot Heat, Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse, Nine Black Alps. Hell I don't even care who plays, it's fucking GLASTONBURY.
Then Lisa Ann and I hung out for a few hours. I don’t know what I’d do without that girl. She is beauty defined. We took random pictures and kissed a lot and ate haribo and drank red bull. Sally and Rosina came and hung with us for a while too, and it was cool. And we got hit on by eleven year old chav boys. As we’re that hot. I swear if she wasn’t going out with Martin, I’d marry her. Fact.
I know this isn’t your usual LJ type entry, I just needed a release. Alcohol’s been soothing recently, but I need something tangible.
It’s going to be alright.