(no subject)
everything I've ever thought was hard compared to this is nothing.
I'm losing my sister. She's moving away. Gone. Tomorrow, so that means today is thelast full day I'll get to be with her. I wish I could just thank her for being the one true person I could count on lately. I really am going to go crazy without her. Who am I going to go to late a night & cry to? Who am i going to go to when i need to talk? No one. God,she knows literally everything about me...She knows me & i don't even know me. She's talked me out of crazy things & told me todo smart ones. Told me that things would get better its just a matter of time, & i actually believed her. She told me i was gorgeous & smart, & everything etc. & I believed it. I'm going to be so lost without her. & if i were to call her i'd feel like a bother. i'm so confusing & she had me figured out. I remember at first I was like great 'another peson for us to talk to & have pamela know everything', but that wasn't the case at all. She was & IS someone I can talk to without having to be worried about having anyone find out. She made me feel good, like i could be something in this world of no body's.She was like my better half, so what am I supposed to do? calling her at 10 pm their tim isnt the nicest wayof trying to tell my problems, I'd feel like too much of a bother to do that. Yeah she'l be back, but I won't have her right her next to me. Eh, I can't be crying I have to be the strong one in my family, so I can't let her see me cry anymore than she alreay has. I probably will stay up all night tonight so I can see her leave in the morning she's leaving around 3 or so, & I can guarantee that it will be the hardest thing I have to do yet
end.
i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that you do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.