(no subject)
i want a really special day. nothing means anything to me now and i can't see it being the case, even in a really perfect situation. only certain things can change that, and by no means do i mean only for myself. i don't like to be selfish, but i am. i can't really explain it; i guess i'm referring to the laundry room floor and what that conversation did for everybody. and i'm thinking about times when i'd spoken to somebody or told them something and the reaction i got changed the entire world. it's when you're far into misery and you hate the way you describe it. you do it anyway. it's when crying is good, but only because everyone else is doing it.
i think these things used to happen more frequently. i thought for a minute of another big time but nothing shot into my mind until i continued on and thought of those few nights in that house with the ice and snow outside and i'm automatically knocked out for a second. it had nothing to do with life; waking up, going to school, coming home. seeing people. laughing. any opposite or extreme. it was a human structure of every satisfaction far bigger than religion and philosophies and it was real. it was a place that existed and exists now, but not in the same way. i don't like to direct myself like this but, it's far less beautiful. those weren't the highs at the time; they were just ways of life. things you thought would stay around forever. (they never will). those other instances, you can feel it right away. the change is so obvious. either way, i'm praying for it and i really hope you can find it too.
i think these things used to happen more frequently. i thought for a minute of another big time but nothing shot into my mind until i continued on and thought of those few nights in that house with the ice and snow outside and i'm automatically knocked out for a second. it had nothing to do with life; waking up, going to school, coming home. seeing people. laughing. any opposite or extreme. it was a human structure of every satisfaction far bigger than religion and philosophies and it was real. it was a place that existed and exists now, but not in the same way. i don't like to direct myself like this but, it's far less beautiful. those weren't the highs at the time; they were just ways of life. things you thought would stay around forever. (they never will). those other instances, you can feel it right away. the change is so obvious. either way, i'm praying for it and i really hope you can find it too.