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Hello all! Yes, to (most) people's dismay, I AM STILL ALIVE! Hooray! Barely. Now, I am a twenty year old female, and as of today, I'm a junior in college. Too bad I'm on the fucking five year plan, but whatever. Tyler and I are still going strong. And, um, I'm moving out, in January! FINALLY! With one of my good gal pals--Jodi. What else, what else. I'm going to New York in August and then I start my third year in college. I feel fucking old as shit. But it's okay, because soon, I'll be independent and will only want to go back to school and continue to live at my parents house and never pay bills. I think that's it. Oh, and Snakes on a Plane comes out soon. I'm so excited!!!
Here's a pretty sweet article that I laughed at, only because it's very true.
Many people consider “getting ass” an art form, but in truth, it is a precise formula that combines fundamental scientific discoveries with simple human intuition.
This thesis will help the human species maximize his/her collegiate bliss (i.e. get laid), through a basic understanding of sciences most basic principles.
Sir Isaac Newton once said that “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” For example: if you put alcohol in, alcohol will eventually come out - usually all over the girl you like.
Using this same principle, we can assume that anytime anyone is having a really great time, there must be someone, somewhere, having an equally horrible time. Let’s look at two examples.
A man wakes up…lying next to him is an angel of beauty - a girl that seemed unattainable even in his wildest dreams. She lies there barely covered in a bed sheet that seductively takes the shape of her perfect, supple body. He leans into the small of her neck and inhales the sweet smell of jasmine, a scent that will forever make his knees weak and his heart quiver. She opens her eyes and gazes into his. He smiles.
Some people would consider this a storybook romance. Some people are also stupid.
You see, at this exact moment, in this exact same room, a woman wakes up to the smells of sweaty clothes and Jergens hand lotion. Her head is pounding uncontrollably. She opens her eyes and sees an odd, unkempt creature staring at her with a unibrow and a repulsively, goofy grin.
See, Newton’s Third Law proves that during a one-night stand, someone is always utterly disappointed. This teaches us that if we ever intend to hook up, we must aim high. Hooking up with someone ‘out of our league’ is not only possible, it’s scientifically guaranteed. So find that cheerleader, or captain of the football team, and make sure they regret their lack of respect for the scientific community by sticking your finger where it doesn’t belong and posting a picture on your online journal.
Some skeptics - whom we refer to as hopeless romantics or simpletons - consistently bring up the same argument:
“Even though both parties ultimately feel equal yet opposite reactions, isn’t there is a point where they are both enjoying the moment thereby creating ‘happy feelings’ that didn’t exist before?”
This brings us to Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics, “misery - much like energy - is neither created nor destroyed.” This simply means that anytime there is an increase in happiness, then misery must be lurking in the corner taking away joy from someone else.
This phenomenon explains why every time you ladies are trying to hook up with a cute guy at a bar…you always have a friend who is crying because she’s drunk and alone. Misery transfer. If you help her, then some of your happiness transfers over creating a state of equilibrium. If you ignore her, you make both yourself and the boy happy, but make your friend and whoever she chooses to latch onto even more miserable.
Since we do not live in a vacuum, there are other factors that also influence your chance of sexual success.
Newton, who was well-versed in the laws of motion (a 17th century term for morally-loose intercourse), also states that, “an object in motion will remain in motion unless stopped by a more powerful force.” By this, Newton clearly meant that a drunk girl will hook up, and continue to hook up, unless cock-blocked by a larger, more unattractive friend.
Ever-clever Newty (as he was affectionately referred to at the Ye-Old English Tavern) then brought about his most ingenious scientific principle yet: the Law of Gravity. This law simply states that “the force of gravity between two objects is proportional to the product of the masses of the objects and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.” Simply stated: when fat people get together, they will invariably “suck face.”
In conclusion, all of Newton’s discoveries teach us that if you are going to hook up, go out of your league and make sure it’s someone else who is utterly disappointed. If you have the chance to hook up, make sure to do it at the expense of your friend’s happiness; it will ensure more amazing, carnal, monkey sex. And to avoid the dreaded cock-block, bring a large, unattractive friend who will “take one” for the team.
I laughed, you should be laughing too!
...until next time, holla'.
Here's a pretty sweet article that I laughed at, only because it's very true.
Many people consider “getting ass” an art form, but in truth, it is a precise formula that combines fundamental scientific discoveries with simple human intuition.
This thesis will help the human species maximize his/her collegiate bliss (i.e. get laid), through a basic understanding of sciences most basic principles.
Sir Isaac Newton once said that “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” For example: if you put alcohol in, alcohol will eventually come out - usually all over the girl you like.
Using this same principle, we can assume that anytime anyone is having a really great time, there must be someone, somewhere, having an equally horrible time. Let’s look at two examples.
A man wakes up…lying next to him is an angel of beauty - a girl that seemed unattainable even in his wildest dreams. She lies there barely covered in a bed sheet that seductively takes the shape of her perfect, supple body. He leans into the small of her neck and inhales the sweet smell of jasmine, a scent that will forever make his knees weak and his heart quiver. She opens her eyes and gazes into his. He smiles.
Some people would consider this a storybook romance. Some people are also stupid.
You see, at this exact moment, in this exact same room, a woman wakes up to the smells of sweaty clothes and Jergens hand lotion. Her head is pounding uncontrollably. She opens her eyes and sees an odd, unkempt creature staring at her with a unibrow and a repulsively, goofy grin.
See, Newton’s Third Law proves that during a one-night stand, someone is always utterly disappointed. This teaches us that if we ever intend to hook up, we must aim high. Hooking up with someone ‘out of our league’ is not only possible, it’s scientifically guaranteed. So find that cheerleader, or captain of the football team, and make sure they regret their lack of respect for the scientific community by sticking your finger where it doesn’t belong and posting a picture on your online journal.
Some skeptics - whom we refer to as hopeless romantics or simpletons - consistently bring up the same argument:
“Even though both parties ultimately feel equal yet opposite reactions, isn’t there is a point where they are both enjoying the moment thereby creating ‘happy feelings’ that didn’t exist before?”
This brings us to Newton’s Second Law of Thermodynamics, “misery - much like energy - is neither created nor destroyed.” This simply means that anytime there is an increase in happiness, then misery must be lurking in the corner taking away joy from someone else.
This phenomenon explains why every time you ladies are trying to hook up with a cute guy at a bar…you always have a friend who is crying because she’s drunk and alone. Misery transfer. If you help her, then some of your happiness transfers over creating a state of equilibrium. If you ignore her, you make both yourself and the boy happy, but make your friend and whoever she chooses to latch onto even more miserable.
Since we do not live in a vacuum, there are other factors that also influence your chance of sexual success.
Newton, who was well-versed in the laws of motion (a 17th century term for morally-loose intercourse), also states that, “an object in motion will remain in motion unless stopped by a more powerful force.” By this, Newton clearly meant that a drunk girl will hook up, and continue to hook up, unless cock-blocked by a larger, more unattractive friend.
Ever-clever Newty (as he was affectionately referred to at the Ye-Old English Tavern) then brought about his most ingenious scientific principle yet: the Law of Gravity. This law simply states that “the force of gravity between two objects is proportional to the product of the masses of the objects and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.” Simply stated: when fat people get together, they will invariably “suck face.”
In conclusion, all of Newton’s discoveries teach us that if you are going to hook up, go out of your league and make sure it’s someone else who is utterly disappointed. If you have the chance to hook up, make sure to do it at the expense of your friend’s happiness; it will ensure more amazing, carnal, monkey sex. And to avoid the dreaded cock-block, bring a large, unattractive friend who will “take one” for the team.
I laughed, you should be laughing too!
...until next time, holla'.