break into children's hospital crying don't fuck with me

[_____aquariums]

my hands are trembling & tentative, like birds or boats, very white and with small scabs (payment for 9to5, payment for past tresspasses against my body). i miss my papa a lot right now, he is a hero, and i remember that when i was very small i wrote a paper about him called "my papa was a great man." and he was. that is irrelevant, but that's what all these words are, misplaced & unwanted. i put them here because i don't want them anymore. i am afriad a lot lately, and i am lonely. i like my new job & my old job, but i think that i like them because i want to like them. i like my friends, but i don't see them. i think i like them because i want to like them. i am looking for an apartment and it is hard. i think laura & i will get a loft and i don't really want to, but mostly i want to escape and be a big girl. i gained some weight & everyone keeps telling me how good i look. i am really badly addicted to gummy octopi and am considering walking to the gas station in my pjs to buy some. i don't think i'd make it there though because i'm shaking pretty badly. i like it because it feels like morphine, i kind of can't feel my body and i pick at my face. i made my pretty skin all broken, like when i had really broken skin in high school and had to take antibiotics because it was a heriditary skin disorder. my papa had it. but my skin looks awful but no one can tell because i am good at hiding it. i don't feel very pretty at all lately. probably because i used to go out and boys would try to get in my pants and that is how i defined my self-respect. i don't own my self-confindence. i own my sexuality and i let that shape other's opinions of me, and that is what i base my self-evaluations on. that is really ugly. i will outgrow it all one day and look back and shake my head and chuckle and think it all so absurd. i hope so. i am investing all my happiness in my pillows lately. i am so happy right before i fall asleep. i think about having a little home and workign and going to school and keeping house. about cooking and making art and having a little ebay boutique with laura and finding a nice boy who loves me as much as i love him. i think about being loved. i listen to old music and my bed is very warm and my legs are so smooth on the sheets and i will be happy someday.

i fall asleep with my headphones stuffed in my ears and they have little bruises in the morning and they hurt.

i have so much hope and i am working very hard. i am so afraid. and i am so lonely. and i am so ashamed & filled with self-loathing. but i respect my intentions and i know that it is worth it.

i know that everything is going to be ok. it will.