(no subject)
june 26,2009.
so
after looking through all these entries,it amazes me how much my life has changed..and i'm not even halfway there.i still have a whole life to live. what more is going to change? to be honest, it just made me feel more lost. it seems like i had better control over my life back then compared to now. i have never felt so out of place. i mean i know what i want, i just don't know how to get there. and what i want isn't always right for me either.
following my heart seems to bring me more trouble. but i guess that's the price to pay. i'd rather follow my heart than to live a lie..i just need someone to be there for me and open up my eyes to things i've never seen or felt before. i'm tired of the same old shit. i'm tired of lakeland. i don't want to do the same thing everyday,i don't want to hear the same bullshit everyday. i need something different. don't get me wrong, i am happy right now. but im still lacking motivation.
still,lately i feel like i've been brought down. i'm always doing something wrong, or saying the wrong thing. i feel like every single thing i do is a mistake..i just want to be there for you..i want to be someone you can come to. this feeling runs deeper than my bones..i promise you that.
it's exhausting trying to perfect yourself for someone else..and i mean every little thing has to be perfect. if its not, you lose everything. but at the same time, its worth it. when you care about something/someone so much, you'll do whatever it takes.
yet it'd still be nice to feel comfortable in my own skin. i never used to have a problem with that. now,all i do is over analyze shit about myself. i think its because i'm afraid you'll change your mind.
shit..i should go.
p.s.- the older entries are fucking weird,rofl.
dont even remember saying half that shit..