(no subject)
Today's been the 2nd worst day of my life. Field Hockey.. gah.. I don't even know if I should go there.. I got yelled at hard core for not talking on the field. Then, she got so pissed off she made us do sprints for 10-15 minutes. After that we had to do more drills and I was talking like I was getting yelled at to do, and then Regan hit the post and Ms Platte yelled at me to take my pads off.
So I walk off the field putting my gear away and the coach comes up and starts bagging on me! Saying that if she was me she wouldn't even take the pads off. That I should have been out there talking to my defense. Before that I went to go get my back from the parking lot, and she was like "yeah there's no goalie she got tired." I was so pissed off.
Everyone knows me. They know I get pissed off very easily and they've seen the bad side of me. I don't think any of them are pissed off. They know how shitty the coach gets. I started balling in front of Ashley and Jill and they tried to calm me down but it didn't work.. I stopped because I didn't want the coach to see me like that..
So when everyone was gone and I was waiting on my ride I started crying.. then I stopped 15 minutes later adn started walking to the front of the school hoping my mom would come as I walk to take me home.. and she did..
When I got home I showered and then I left to pick up my check. My mom and I got some ice crea,. She got a banana split and I got a BBQ sandwhich and a medium Oreo..
The rest of the night went okay.. and then I got upset because Bobbie was going ot hang out with her friend Michelle.. I hoenstly give up on trying to spend time with her.. But I got jelous and all that and it pissed Bobbie off and I said I was sorry and she said she didn't want a sorry..so I got off and watched the rest of the movie..
Sometimes I wish I never told anyone that I cut.. I really do.. It's so hard not to right now.. I just want to take the blade and just run it diagnolly on my wrist.. and just sit down in the corner watching it bleed.. I want to so badly at this point.. I mean.. I'm so fucking pathetic. I have no friends offline. Least none that I talk to or hangout. All I think about is one girl I'll most likely never see because I'll fuck it up before she makes it here. I'm always depressed and suicidal. I should jsut die and get it over with.
I honestly doubt anyone would give a fuck. My best friend is dead. Bobbie wouldn't have to deal with my shit anymore. My parents wouldn't have to deal with being let down by another disappointment. Stef and I don't talk. So I mean, there's no point.
Earlier my mom was like ; "I have to finish cleaning so my son would come home to a clean house" as if I wasn't a part of the family. She's never done that before.. and right now.. It still hurts she said that to me..My dad keeps callign me Johnnie, saying I'm his spitting image. That he wishes I'd just run away.. Thing is.. I wish I would too..
I can't wait till I move out.. I honestly can't wait.. I just don't know how long I can take this anymore.. I just don't know..
It's 9 though.. so I'm just going to take some pills and go to bed.. And yes.. some pills.. Got a problem with it.. fuck off. -.-
I'm going to go to bed though. I'm not going to e-mail Bobbie. I knew I was going to fuck up tonight worse than I already did.. I don't think I'm going to get on.. I don't want to fuck up another night..So yeah.. I'll write here another day..
..Kieara
So I walk off the field putting my gear away and the coach comes up and starts bagging on me! Saying that if she was me she wouldn't even take the pads off. That I should have been out there talking to my defense. Before that I went to go get my back from the parking lot, and she was like "yeah there's no goalie she got tired." I was so pissed off.
Everyone knows me. They know I get pissed off very easily and they've seen the bad side of me. I don't think any of them are pissed off. They know how shitty the coach gets. I started balling in front of Ashley and Jill and they tried to calm me down but it didn't work.. I stopped because I didn't want the coach to see me like that..
So when everyone was gone and I was waiting on my ride I started crying.. then I stopped 15 minutes later adn started walking to the front of the school hoping my mom would come as I walk to take me home.. and she did..
When I got home I showered and then I left to pick up my check. My mom and I got some ice crea,. She got a banana split and I got a BBQ sandwhich and a medium Oreo..
The rest of the night went okay.. and then I got upset because Bobbie was going ot hang out with her friend Michelle.. I hoenstly give up on trying to spend time with her.. But I got jelous and all that and it pissed Bobbie off and I said I was sorry and she said she didn't want a sorry..so I got off and watched the rest of the movie..
Sometimes I wish I never told anyone that I cut.. I really do.. It's so hard not to right now.. I just want to take the blade and just run it diagnolly on my wrist.. and just sit down in the corner watching it bleed.. I want to so badly at this point.. I mean.. I'm so fucking pathetic. I have no friends offline. Least none that I talk to or hangout. All I think about is one girl I'll most likely never see because I'll fuck it up before she makes it here. I'm always depressed and suicidal. I should jsut die and get it over with.
I honestly doubt anyone would give a fuck. My best friend is dead. Bobbie wouldn't have to deal with my shit anymore. My parents wouldn't have to deal with being let down by another disappointment. Stef and I don't talk. So I mean, there's no point.
Earlier my mom was like ; "I have to finish cleaning so my son would come home to a clean house" as if I wasn't a part of the family. She's never done that before.. and right now.. It still hurts she said that to me..My dad keeps callign me Johnnie, saying I'm his spitting image. That he wishes I'd just run away.. Thing is.. I wish I would too..
I can't wait till I move out.. I honestly can't wait.. I just don't know how long I can take this anymore.. I just don't know..
It's 9 though.. so I'm just going to take some pills and go to bed.. And yes.. some pills.. Got a problem with it.. fuck off. -.-
I'm going to go to bed though. I'm not going to e-mail Bobbie. I knew I was going to fuck up tonight worse than I already did.. I don't think I'm going to get on.. I don't want to fuck up another night..So yeah.. I'll write here another day..
..Kieara