another curious rant, but one you havent heard in a while
gosh. it has been SO long since i have written in this thing. a year or two. wow. i was just reading all the entries, so much has changed i dont even know where to begin...
Im at UNH now. graduated from ILHS, FINALLY. and where as UNH is not my ideal school...its alright for now. its not terrible I suppose. Ive joined a few things; hall council, student senate. Completely nerdy things I never would have joined before, but hey, it was a good way to meet people. I can’t wait for break to be over so I can go back. 4 weeks is way too long to spend with my family. Especially my mother.
I’ve passed my classes. Its weird, I actually have to do work now, not that I do most of the time. I guess if I tried I could get A’s instead of B’s but…I’ll admit it. Im quite the procrastinator. Im trying not to be, but some of this stuff is just so…BORING. I’m probably going to end up changing my major, but I’m not sure to what yet.
oh, and i met the most amazingly perfect boy in the entire world. hes cute, and sweet, and funny, and incredibly intelligent... and the greatest part of all? HE LOVES ME BACK.
me. ME. silly little love-handled, socially awkward, klutsy, ME.
now i really do believe in miracles
Sometimes I want to tell him. How I feel about him. how I never stop thinking about him, that every moment I’m with him the world could end and it wouldn’t matter to me, that I’ve never been so happy in my life, how every second of every day I want to tell him I love him, scream it at the top of my lungs so that everyone in the world hears. But every time I try I get so nervous (what if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if it makes him feel uncomfortable?) that I end up choking on my words and they end up coming out sounding as if I had Down syndrome, if they come out at all. “I love you” comes out not in my natural voice, but something higher and off-key. Unintentionally, I make a mockery of the words.
Sometimes I question if I mean it. If I just said it because he had said it first. How can I be in love with someone after just a week? But then I look at him (his beautiful blue eyes and the little dimples he gets around them when he smiles, his awkward standing pose that makes him even more adorable) and somehow the words seem to bubble up through my throat as if they can’t be kept down.
And I know it. I’ve never felt like this before. I did love Chris, yes, but not like this. That seemed more of an obligation; I had to love him, we’d been together so long I must be in love. But with Steve…it’s different. I still get butterflies when he kisses me, and I feel like shaking from nervousness every time I see him. I’ve never meant those three words so much, and if I could take back every other time I’d said them, I would in heartbeat, just to make it that much more special.
I don’t understand why everyone is not in love with this boy, how everyone else does not feel the same way I do. I don’t understand how I, socially awkward, chubby-armed me, got so lucky as to have the most amazingly perfect boy in the world fall in love with me. I’m still in shock. I keep waiting to wake up and have this all be a dream. But if it is, this is one dream I never want to wake up from.
one of these days ill write the entire story out, but for now, i think i've written way too much about him already :)
as you can tell, chris and i are no longer together, thank goodness. I’ll spare you all the long dramatic details, they don’t really matter anyway. Some things fall apart so even better things can fall together:)
that would be it for now, lets see if I remember to update this more than once a year!
Im at UNH now. graduated from ILHS, FINALLY. and where as UNH is not my ideal school...its alright for now. its not terrible I suppose. Ive joined a few things; hall council, student senate. Completely nerdy things I never would have joined before, but hey, it was a good way to meet people. I can’t wait for break to be over so I can go back. 4 weeks is way too long to spend with my family. Especially my mother.
I’ve passed my classes. Its weird, I actually have to do work now, not that I do most of the time. I guess if I tried I could get A’s instead of B’s but…I’ll admit it. Im quite the procrastinator. Im trying not to be, but some of this stuff is just so…BORING. I’m probably going to end up changing my major, but I’m not sure to what yet.
oh, and i met the most amazingly perfect boy in the entire world. hes cute, and sweet, and funny, and incredibly intelligent... and the greatest part of all? HE LOVES ME BACK.
me. ME. silly little love-handled, socially awkward, klutsy, ME.
now i really do believe in miracles
Sometimes I want to tell him. How I feel about him. how I never stop thinking about him, that every moment I’m with him the world could end and it wouldn’t matter to me, that I’ve never been so happy in my life, how every second of every day I want to tell him I love him, scream it at the top of my lungs so that everyone in the world hears. But every time I try I get so nervous (what if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if it makes him feel uncomfortable?) that I end up choking on my words and they end up coming out sounding as if I had Down syndrome, if they come out at all. “I love you” comes out not in my natural voice, but something higher and off-key. Unintentionally, I make a mockery of the words.
Sometimes I question if I mean it. If I just said it because he had said it first. How can I be in love with someone after just a week? But then I look at him (his beautiful blue eyes and the little dimples he gets around them when he smiles, his awkward standing pose that makes him even more adorable) and somehow the words seem to bubble up through my throat as if they can’t be kept down.
And I know it. I’ve never felt like this before. I did love Chris, yes, but not like this. That seemed more of an obligation; I had to love him, we’d been together so long I must be in love. But with Steve…it’s different. I still get butterflies when he kisses me, and I feel like shaking from nervousness every time I see him. I’ve never meant those three words so much, and if I could take back every other time I’d said them, I would in heartbeat, just to make it that much more special.
I don’t understand why everyone is not in love with this boy, how everyone else does not feel the same way I do. I don’t understand how I, socially awkward, chubby-armed me, got so lucky as to have the most amazingly perfect boy in the world fall in love with me. I’m still in shock. I keep waiting to wake up and have this all be a dream. But if it is, this is one dream I never want to wake up from.
one of these days ill write the entire story out, but for now, i think i've written way too much about him already :)
as you can tell, chris and i are no longer together, thank goodness. I’ll spare you all the long dramatic details, they don’t really matter anyway. Some things fall apart so even better things can fall together:)
that would be it for now, lets see if I remember to update this more than once a year!