(no subject)

[______blackout]

i'm in the city and feel awkward. i woke up in anthony's bed and can't remember too much from last night except those three guys at the party and the playlist we made on Owner of the Apartment's iPod. i made them listen to the sneaker pimps. i met a gay guy named gabriel and we made it a game of the night to turn him straight [i think him asking her to kiss him means it worked]. i don't know what to do, i can't smoke on the fire escape anymore like i used to in the mornings, i quit. when i walked into the back room of the apartment, this horrible feeling washed over me looking at that couch in the corner; i realized i avoid that room because i don't like thinking about us drunk and eric kissing me there. i can't think about eric, it makes me remember every stupid thing i've ever done, every guy i've ever dated but not really liked. saying i love you and not meaning it just because i needed someone to care for me. am i really that selfish? maybe, but i don't think that's it, i just try to trick myself into loving. it seems like the best idea i have sometimes.

but honestly all i can think about is how he sounded on the phone last night, and the text message he sent me this morning: "i'm having such a hard time waking up this morning, all i want to do is lay around in bed with you" and how perfect that is. he takes care of me like nobody else. this morning i'm going to wander the city alone for a couple hours like i used to and shop a bit. i'm sure i'll be attracted to every green shirt i see, he always tells me he likes green on girls.