Lol so...
There's been quite a funny and odd situation suddenly going down.
Ok so. Of course as most of you know Brendon passed away last Thursday. I was friends with him but we weren't uber close or anything, though I did have a crush on him. Yes, I'll admit it. People sort of made me feel bad for it and I didn't want him to know for fear that he might think I was weird and not want to be friends with me. So of course, him being gone, tore me up.
Saturday was my schools homecoming. I was never big for homecoming, never really liked it. Last year was fun, just a couple things happened and my friends were there for me which was good. Well this year, I debated and figured I would go, being as it's my senior year. Also, all of my friends were going. Well, all of my D-Ville friends. So I went to Emily's to get ready. Even though it takes me a whole ten minutes to get ready for anything, so as they all got ready I got to thinking about Brendon and got depressed. The fact that the funeral was the next day was killing me. So I went to Emily's room to lay down and try to focus on something else. I just wanted to be alone, I didn't want to bring everybody down. They asked what was wrong, so I told them I wasn't feeling the best and kind of wanted to be alone. They left me alone as I had asked and then when people started to arrive I decided to come out, thinking maybe I'd feel better. But then it felt like everybody was stressing me out wanting me to just snap my fingers and be over him. I eventually cheered up, smiled for pictures, goofed around, got really hyper at dinner, took pictures at the dance, danced, laughed. Then after I got home and got very very depressed. I felt bad for forgetting Brendon and being happy. I've never had to deal with such a loss before, I couldn't tell what was respectful and what was disrespectful. So I made a blog and said how homecoming was never very fun every year, but this year was better, but I was still kind of a zombie and upset about what had happened.
Then suddenly. Everybody attacks. All of a sudden they say I don't appreciate my friends.
Things have been getting rocky in that whole group since summer. I got more freedom, started meeting new people, made a lot of new friends. I started to feel kind of left out from the group, but it didn't exactly kill me. I had other people to hang out with.
Sunday was his funeral and seeing him. Actually seeing him, just. Wow. I don't know what to say. You know? I have never seen a dead person before and never thought the first one would be one I really really liked.
So Monday came around and all day I was upset because I had that image of him in my head and it was starting to take over my old image of him and every second it was there I wanted to cry. I didn't go to school, I had drawings for art to finish that were due that day and I didn't go to bed until 2 the morning before. So I'm sitting at home, upset and attempting my drawings when I just get bombed with people who suddenly hate me.
They snap from "We're your true friends!" to "We hate you, you are evil."
Of all days they chose my worst day. I think that was planned out. They knew I wouldn't be strong enough to put up with them that day. And I wasn't. I made the mistake of breaking and begging forgiveness. I woke up the next morning, feeling better about Brendon, about myself, about them. I decided from then on, I was going to be different. I was going to clean the slate. Keep my good friends. Let go of the people trying to drop me. I wasn't going to hang from their string anymore. I was going to let go and not fight.
I don't hate them. I'm not mad at them. At all. It is whatever they want to do. I think this whole thing is completely hilarious. I guess they can't help it that they can't think for themselves and like to cause drama. I'm trying to keep myself away from people like that anyway. I always have. I avoid drama. I don't need the stress. The only thing I didn't like was when they told me I should kill myself. That's pretty low. You don't wish that upon somebody. I don't care who they are or who you are. Especially me, somebody who actually has problems with that very subject. I confided in them and they couldn't even take something that extreme seriously.
I don't need people like that around me. It's not Feng Shui. I forgive them though. I forgive them for every hateful word they said. Because I don't need that stress. If they ever need anybody to talk to, they know where I am. Everybody should. I'll listen. I may not always have something to say on the matter, but I'm still here.
They may come crawling back, they may not. Either way, I don't mind. I'm a better person than they are. That's all that matters to me. I may have made mistakes in the past, but I am repenting. We all make mistakes, but I just feel I should wipe the slate clean. That doesn't mean drop all my friends and start completely over. Oh no. I love you guys and you know who you are.
Well, I have to head to work. I'm out!
Ok so. Of course as most of you know Brendon passed away last Thursday. I was friends with him but we weren't uber close or anything, though I did have a crush on him. Yes, I'll admit it. People sort of made me feel bad for it and I didn't want him to know for fear that he might think I was weird and not want to be friends with me. So of course, him being gone, tore me up.
Saturday was my schools homecoming. I was never big for homecoming, never really liked it. Last year was fun, just a couple things happened and my friends were there for me which was good. Well this year, I debated and figured I would go, being as it's my senior year. Also, all of my friends were going. Well, all of my D-Ville friends. So I went to Emily's to get ready. Even though it takes me a whole ten minutes to get ready for anything, so as they all got ready I got to thinking about Brendon and got depressed. The fact that the funeral was the next day was killing me. So I went to Emily's room to lay down and try to focus on something else. I just wanted to be alone, I didn't want to bring everybody down. They asked what was wrong, so I told them I wasn't feeling the best and kind of wanted to be alone. They left me alone as I had asked and then when people started to arrive I decided to come out, thinking maybe I'd feel better. But then it felt like everybody was stressing me out wanting me to just snap my fingers and be over him. I eventually cheered up, smiled for pictures, goofed around, got really hyper at dinner, took pictures at the dance, danced, laughed. Then after I got home and got very very depressed. I felt bad for forgetting Brendon and being happy. I've never had to deal with such a loss before, I couldn't tell what was respectful and what was disrespectful. So I made a blog and said how homecoming was never very fun every year, but this year was better, but I was still kind of a zombie and upset about what had happened.
Then suddenly. Everybody attacks. All of a sudden they say I don't appreciate my friends.
Things have been getting rocky in that whole group since summer. I got more freedom, started meeting new people, made a lot of new friends. I started to feel kind of left out from the group, but it didn't exactly kill me. I had other people to hang out with.
Sunday was his funeral and seeing him. Actually seeing him, just. Wow. I don't know what to say. You know? I have never seen a dead person before and never thought the first one would be one I really really liked.
So Monday came around and all day I was upset because I had that image of him in my head and it was starting to take over my old image of him and every second it was there I wanted to cry. I didn't go to school, I had drawings for art to finish that were due that day and I didn't go to bed until 2 the morning before. So I'm sitting at home, upset and attempting my drawings when I just get bombed with people who suddenly hate me.
They snap from "We're your true friends!" to "We hate you, you are evil."
Of all days they chose my worst day. I think that was planned out. They knew I wouldn't be strong enough to put up with them that day. And I wasn't. I made the mistake of breaking and begging forgiveness. I woke up the next morning, feeling better about Brendon, about myself, about them. I decided from then on, I was going to be different. I was going to clean the slate. Keep my good friends. Let go of the people trying to drop me. I wasn't going to hang from their string anymore. I was going to let go and not fight.
I don't hate them. I'm not mad at them. At all. It is whatever they want to do. I think this whole thing is completely hilarious. I guess they can't help it that they can't think for themselves and like to cause drama. I'm trying to keep myself away from people like that anyway. I always have. I avoid drama. I don't need the stress. The only thing I didn't like was when they told me I should kill myself. That's pretty low. You don't wish that upon somebody. I don't care who they are or who you are. Especially me, somebody who actually has problems with that very subject. I confided in them and they couldn't even take something that extreme seriously.
I don't need people like that around me. It's not Feng Shui. I forgive them though. I forgive them for every hateful word they said. Because I don't need that stress. If they ever need anybody to talk to, they know where I am. Everybody should. I'll listen. I may not always have something to say on the matter, but I'm still here.
They may come crawling back, they may not. Either way, I don't mind. I'm a better person than they are. That's all that matters to me. I may have made mistakes in the past, but I am repenting. We all make mistakes, but I just feel I should wipe the slate clean. That doesn't mean drop all my friends and start completely over. Oh no. I love you guys and you know who you are.
Well, I have to head to work. I'm out!