(no subject)
Are you awake? I can't tell if I am anymore. Drinking sends me into a spiraling depression, although it seems like it was lurking somewhere beneath the surface long before this. It put's me in a state where all I can think about are things I miss and will never get back. Mostly memories of people who aren't around anymore, or how much things have changed, for the worst in most cases. It feels like I am drowning in a sea of memories, I am completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. It was like I was in a different world. One that every sadness, fear that I had decided to make their home. And each new one I came across seemed more real and more threatening than the last. I have been to this place before. It doesn't have a name, I couldn't think of one chilling enough. To even acknowledge the fact that it exists inside me makes my heart sink. I never choose to visit this place, but somehow my subconscious always finds a way to drag me down when I'm at my worst. I lose a little more of myself every time I go to this place.
Never in my life have I been so accepting of death. Because in this world, death is a solution. The only solution, in fact. To go on living just seems to make no sense at all. You must die. Is this the place Kt was when she hung herself? Why does this place even exist? No one's depths should be this dark.
I cried for hours. All I could see was me, standing on a beach with Kt, getting rides home in her van, bitching about our boyfriends together, crying on her lap while she rubbed my head. The floodgates had opened and every memory of her and I came pouring out of the back of my mind. They don't stop, and I'm not sure I want them to.
What am I supposed to do now? It's hard to put effort towards anything when you can barely hold yourself together. And I am still stuck here. I cannot escape. There is no way out but sleep, and sleep never comes when you want it. So I lie awake and cry, as much as I did when boy's I loved told me they didn't feel the same, when they chose other girl's over me, I cried more than I ever cried over any stupid love or jealousy. I miss my best friend and that's always on my mind, losing her instantly made everything else seem stupid. I cry for everything.
Everything I can't change and never will be able to. All of the time and effort I've wasted on things that got me nowhere. All of the people I've lost because of my own stupid decisions, or lack of effort. For losing myself.
I cry so much I have no energy left to move, but still I cannot sleep. So I cry more. I convulse, I pray for death. I can't remember ever feeling like this before. I want to cut. i want drugs. i want anything that will make this go away. But I just lay, paralyzed in my bed, staring at the ceiling.
Never in my life have I been so accepting of death. Because in this world, death is a solution. The only solution, in fact. To go on living just seems to make no sense at all. You must die. Is this the place Kt was when she hung herself? Why does this place even exist? No one's depths should be this dark.
I cried for hours. All I could see was me, standing on a beach with Kt, getting rides home in her van, bitching about our boyfriends together, crying on her lap while she rubbed my head. The floodgates had opened and every memory of her and I came pouring out of the back of my mind. They don't stop, and I'm not sure I want them to.
What am I supposed to do now? It's hard to put effort towards anything when you can barely hold yourself together. And I am still stuck here. I cannot escape. There is no way out but sleep, and sleep never comes when you want it. So I lie awake and cry, as much as I did when boy's I loved told me they didn't feel the same, when they chose other girl's over me, I cried more than I ever cried over any stupid love or jealousy. I miss my best friend and that's always on my mind, losing her instantly made everything else seem stupid. I cry for everything.
Everything I can't change and never will be able to. All of the time and effort I've wasted on things that got me nowhere. All of the people I've lost because of my own stupid decisions, or lack of effort. For losing myself.
I cry so much I have no energy left to move, but still I cannot sleep. So I cry more. I convulse, I pray for death. I can't remember ever feeling like this before. I want to cut. i want drugs. i want anything that will make this go away. But I just lay, paralyzed in my bed, staring at the ceiling.