(no subject)
Now and again it seems worse than it is,
but mostly the view is accurate.
You see your breath in the air
as you climb up the stairs
to that coffin you call your apartment.
And you sink in your chair,
brush the snow from your hair
and drink the cold away.
You're not really sure
what you're doing this for
but you need something to fill up the days.
A few more hours.
There's a dream in my brain that just won’t go away.
It's been stuck there since it came a few nights ago
I’m standing on a bridge in the town where I lived
as a kid with my mom and my brothers.
And then the bridge disappears
and I’m standing on air
with nothing holding me.
And I hang like a star,
fucking glow in the dark,
for all those starving eyes to see,
like the ones we’ve wished on.
But now I’m confused.
Is this death really you?
Do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it's more like a ghost
that's been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
something more like a feeling
-bright motherfucking eyes.
see,now, i dont think anyone can relate much anymore. and now i really feel alone. i mean, youre always alone (or so ive been told more lately), constantly being surrounded does not change the fact that we are all internally, mentally, emotionally, somewhat physically, and utterly alone. no one can relate (and, to be honest, i dont expect them to), im not a special case and ive never thought my troubles were any different (or even any worse) than those of the people that i surround myself with and, further, the people i will never meet. i hate that there is something about me that no one can put a finger one, not the closest of close friends, not my parents, not my brother, not myself. and all of the above have said at one point, paraphrasing of course, "theres something about you that i just cant put my finger on." i could lie some more, a healthy lie, to balance it out verbally and everythingwhichway outwardly, but talk is fucking CHEAP. im not cheap. im worth the biggest bucks, i really matter, and maybe the reason i say that now more than before is because ive been so down - so, so, so, so down and there was no getting up without a selfegobooster. everything about me is delicate, not including my exterior, and, well maybe, i guess, my personality..and my attitude, but, DAMNIT, thats beside the point...i cant hold the world for much longer and i cant keep lying about what i feel INSIDE. yes, yes, i feel. you can only be broken for so long before you take steps toward fixing, and, let me tell you, theyre the most agonizing steps ive taken in my entire life. to trust is joke, so, im sorry. my paranoia is always going to get the best of me...it always has. i will always think you have alterior motives for certain things you do, but i'll try not to act upon how i feel too much and ill give in and hope im not being a fool...and when im finally made a fool, i brush it off, just like i brush everything off.
i want a day to come where something just gets to me and i can cry. my dad sat me down and told me about how what i do hurts him so much. how he doesnt know if he likes me anymore, that he still loves me, but he doesnt even know if he likes me. then he added, "in fact, im sure i dont like you, i dont like the things you do. but i love you." then he explained that he is realizes hes treating me like one of his clients (he works with kids that come from broken homes and ended up on the street, in gangs, doing terrible, terrble, fucked up things). he says he addresses me without anger or emotion, just calm questioning, and that, that, is proof enough that he isnt the best father he can be and that he feels like a failure to me...and i know, if anything, me telling him that hes the perfect father and that its my fault, all my fucking fault...wouldnt change a damn thing. thw worst part about what i do is that i know im doing it, im so content with the fact that im doing it, and no matter who i hurt along the way (as long as im happy) ill continue to do it.
i love the person ive become. i just need someone else to love it, too.