(no subject)
i will never understand how anyone can dish themselves to whomever is convenient at the time. im not romantic or anything, i just dont know how you can know how to feel when you can feel for everyone. and if youre not REALLY feeling for them how do you fake passion? honestly, i just dont get it. ive run it through my head over and over, thinking of all my friends that can do this. its like putting a bandage on over a cut, then when you think its healed you rip it off to only find the same cut, only wider, so you put it back on...it turns into a cycle where everytime you think youve healed youre only ripping away more and more and you just THINK youre covering it up with something.
youre not.
youre not fooling anyone.
youre not even fooling yourself.
and if you are, how do you do it? can you teach me? i mean, in a sense you kind of have to be blindly heartless or have an immediate understanding with anyone you touch sensually that this is nothing, that this is platonic, its going to be one or two or three times and if its anymore than that its because we all got intoxicated and you were there like always.
does it make me weak that i cant do this?
i hope not. id like to think im a really strong person, but it must take someone idiotically resilient to do this. over and over. to be known for it, to have a reputation and constantly live up to it. the ones that have had that reputation and lived it down...people still expect the worst from you. even when youre in relationships. we just wait for you to fuck it up and say, "i told you so, you owe me 5 bucks."
i think this is something that makes me genuinely sad. i mean, genuinely. maybe im an old fashioned sucker for people who can sit there and count on half a hand whom they've respectfully touched.
i know i can.
and i know people respect me for that. its something im proud of and something ive also made a few mistakes with. i know im not perfect, i know i regret josh... i know i even regret dustin...but, its expected from me to regret that because everyone knows all i think about it my childhood and how "this one is different."
look, i know its not different. i never really expect it to be different. its the same thing, just sometimes one lasts longer than the other or shorter than the other and sometimes ill mean it when i say i love you and sometimes i wont. im sixteen. youre sixteen. well, most of you are. and for those of you that are, maybe thats why you can do it. maybe thats why you can unselfishly touch whomever pleases your eye at the second. because we're sixteen and we can do that and it will be okay because one day we'll grow up, maybe get married and never have our significant other really care about what we did when we were younger because they did it too.
theres got to be someone else out there that agrees with me.
i guess everything has me thinking lately.
SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NO ONE CUDDLES ME. I THINK TOO MUCH.
just give me cuddles and you wont have to hear me bitch.
youre not.
youre not fooling anyone.
youre not even fooling yourself.
and if you are, how do you do it? can you teach me? i mean, in a sense you kind of have to be blindly heartless or have an immediate understanding with anyone you touch sensually that this is nothing, that this is platonic, its going to be one or two or three times and if its anymore than that its because we all got intoxicated and you were there like always.
does it make me weak that i cant do this?
i hope not. id like to think im a really strong person, but it must take someone idiotically resilient to do this. over and over. to be known for it, to have a reputation and constantly live up to it. the ones that have had that reputation and lived it down...people still expect the worst from you. even when youre in relationships. we just wait for you to fuck it up and say, "i told you so, you owe me 5 bucks."
i think this is something that makes me genuinely sad. i mean, genuinely. maybe im an old fashioned sucker for people who can sit there and count on half a hand whom they've respectfully touched.
i know i can.
and i know people respect me for that. its something im proud of and something ive also made a few mistakes with. i know im not perfect, i know i regret josh... i know i even regret dustin...but, its expected from me to regret that because everyone knows all i think about it my childhood and how "this one is different."
look, i know its not different. i never really expect it to be different. its the same thing, just sometimes one lasts longer than the other or shorter than the other and sometimes ill mean it when i say i love you and sometimes i wont. im sixteen. youre sixteen. well, most of you are. and for those of you that are, maybe thats why you can do it. maybe thats why you can unselfishly touch whomever pleases your eye at the second. because we're sixteen and we can do that and it will be okay because one day we'll grow up, maybe get married and never have our significant other really care about what we did when we were younger because they did it too.
theres got to be someone else out there that agrees with me.
i guess everything has me thinking lately.
SEE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN NO ONE CUDDLES ME. I THINK TOO MUCH.
just give me cuddles and you wont have to hear me bitch.