(no subject)
I have the best boyfriend that I could ever ask for. I attend the best public art school on the East coast. I have a great best friend, and my family is always there for me. I get most of the things that I want. I don't have to pay bills on my cell phone, I didn't have to take out a loan for school, and I always have food to eat. My family takes care of me no matter how badly I treat them. My boyfriend cares about me no matter how insane I am. And my best friend will always understand me no matter how irrational I get.
I am clinically insane. And clinically depressed. I've stopped taking my medication because I'm in denial. Every day that passes, I seem to get even more insane. I'm neurotic, obsessive compulsive, paranoid, and I am an incredibly huge hypochondriac. I complain about how awful my life is 20 out of 24 hours in a day. I am constantly thinking that my boyfriend is going to leave me - even though he tells me every day that we're going to be together forever. I cannot let myself believe anything that anyone says, because I, myself, am a liar. It is not possible for me to believe that someone can stay with one person for their entire lives. And it is even less possible for someone to feel that they've found that person when they are 18 years old.
I have found my soul mate. My boyfriend understands me no matter how fucking crazy I am. But yet I still can't believe anything that he tells me. Maybe it's because of everyone that has abandoned me in the past. After being dumped by my first boyfriend after exactly a year, when I had NO idea that anything was wrong. Then being in an incredibly abusive (mentally) relationship. Then finally thinking that I found someone who actually cared about me, and having them leave me. Then being used repeatedly by numerous people at my high school for sex. I feel like I've been in a 4 year abusive relationship. I feel used up. Like I'm not good enough for anyone. Wesley deserves someone who is strong willed and doesn't have a broken ego. I want to be there for him. I want him to call me and have a happy person to talk to, instead of someone who cries at least once every day. I want to be able to make him feel like I will always be there for him no matter what. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to be crazy. I hate the anxiety that I have. It's like a wall that I can't climb over. There are days when I feel like maybe it's passed - but then something happens and it all comes rushing back.
The only times that I feel like myself are when I'm with him. And he's not here. And he won't be here for atleast another year. Are we even going to last that long? Or will he get sick and tired of dealing with my neuroces and leave me, just like everyone else did? That was always the excuse. "Sarah, I just can't do it anymore." "Yes, we'll still be friends." Bullshit. It's all bullshit.
I know that Wesley deals with a lot of stress because of the military. And my stress cannot be compared to his at all. I try to hard to be happy. I love him with every inch of my being. And I honestly do feel that he is it for me. Deep down I believe every word that he says to me. This is so different than anything else that I've ever experienced.
But I'm so unstable.
I'm so unstable that I project my unstableness onto every aspect of my life. My family, my friends, my boyfriend. Everything. I almost lost two amazing people in my life a few weeks ago over something completely ridiculous. I can see myself getting upset over the smallest things, and I can see how insane it is, but yet I do it anyways. I can't stop myself half-way, because even if I know that I am totally wrong, I will never let anyone else that I think that.
I'm stubborn. So stubborn.
I thought that Wesley would be the thing to change me. And in a way he has. I can't see myself being with anyone else. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. And for the sake of our relationship, and my mental health, I need to change my ways.
I need to figure out a way to stop being so obsessive, and neurotic. A way to stop analyzing every word that comes out of his mouth. I need to stop thinking that with every conversation we have, it's going to be the last. The only way I see to solve these things, is to get on a higher dosage of medicine. Although I was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety Disorder, and got prescribed medication, I don't take it. Why? Because I was diagnosed with it at a time in my life when I knew I was very unstable, and I could see that things really weren't working out. After my first boyfriend dumped me. Now, I know everything is perfect. I'm in college, doing art, something that a lot of people can only dream of being able to do. Things are so perfect that I wonder why I have this. Why did I deserve to get into this school? Why me?
That is how I know that I have a serious problem. When I can see how perfect my life is, and yet I still feel like I'm dying.
I'm leaving this school at the end of the semester. I'm leaving behind something that I used to say was my "dream". This was the one thing that I wanted more than anything else. It was an honor to get into this program, and I'm leaving it behind. Why? Why would I waste my parents money on something that I didn't really want to do? I'm leaving this school to go home and study at a community college and live at home. That is not what an 18 year old is supposed to do. I'm supposed to be here. Partying on the weekends, and making bad decisions.
I don't want to do that. I want to get married. I want to move to North Carolina and start my life. I don't want to go back home and go to NVCC. I want to be able to say that I went to college and I got my degree in Education and I'm a teacher. Why do I want to get married? How ridiculous is that. I'm 18 fucking years old. Everything I want to do is backwards.
I'm so confused.
After I leave VCU, I have one year to decide to come back before I have to re-apply. A lot can change in a year.
There are few things that I am absolutely positive about. I love my cats, I'm positive about that. I want to spend the rest of my life with Wesley, I know that, too. But I'm 18 years old, and we have our ENTIRE lives to do that. But what if we don't do it now and I fuck up and he leaves me? Then what?
I'm doing the same thing that I always do. I can act like I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, but I am. I have always done that, and I always will. I can see myself in 10 years with a degree in Art Education, teaching kids at a public school in Fayetteville. But I can also see myself in 10 years living in a nasty apartment by myself thinking that I'm going to die alone. I don't want to be that person. I'm terrified of that person. I was that person 3 years ago. I don't want to go back to that place.
I want to be happy. I want to be 28 years old and say "I know I made the right decision". I'm scared that I'll look back on my freshman year in college and think, "What was I thinking?" Maybe this isn't such a big decision though. I'm not even sure anymore.
I want to be happy. Secure. Confident. I want everyone to be happy. I want people to know what they want and not beat around the bush. I hate seeing Hunter and McClain not be together. How can you say that you'd marry someone, and then change your mind a week after? How can you be so confused about the person that you're with, that you can make such a huge statement, and then take it back? Why would you do that to someone?
Heartbreak hurts. A lot. And I can feel it already. I feel it everytime the phone goes to voicemail, or my texts don't get answered. I know this boy loves me. I can see it when he looks at me. I can feel it every time he touches me. I know that this is real - more real that anything I've felt in my life.
I'm insane. At least I can admit that.
Please don't leave me. I want to always feel the feeling that I get when you kiss me. The feeling that I get when you look at me. When my kids ask me about the first person that I fell deeply, madly in love with, I don't want to have to pull out a yearbook or old pictures, I want to be able to point across the room at you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. No matter what. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met in my life. I still get butterflies every time we see each other, and I want to keep that. Always.
All I can say is that I hope I'm making the right decision. I hope that I can look back on this and be confident. I think that everything will come together once I go home for the summer. And if it doesn't, than I guess I'll be writing in this a lot more.
I am clinically insane. And clinically depressed. I've stopped taking my medication because I'm in denial. Every day that passes, I seem to get even more insane. I'm neurotic, obsessive compulsive, paranoid, and I am an incredibly huge hypochondriac. I complain about how awful my life is 20 out of 24 hours in a day. I am constantly thinking that my boyfriend is going to leave me - even though he tells me every day that we're going to be together forever. I cannot let myself believe anything that anyone says, because I, myself, am a liar. It is not possible for me to believe that someone can stay with one person for their entire lives. And it is even less possible for someone to feel that they've found that person when they are 18 years old.
I have found my soul mate. My boyfriend understands me no matter how fucking crazy I am. But yet I still can't believe anything that he tells me. Maybe it's because of everyone that has abandoned me in the past. After being dumped by my first boyfriend after exactly a year, when I had NO idea that anything was wrong. Then being in an incredibly abusive (mentally) relationship. Then finally thinking that I found someone who actually cared about me, and having them leave me. Then being used repeatedly by numerous people at my high school for sex. I feel like I've been in a 4 year abusive relationship. I feel used up. Like I'm not good enough for anyone. Wesley deserves someone who is strong willed and doesn't have a broken ego. I want to be there for him. I want him to call me and have a happy person to talk to, instead of someone who cries at least once every day. I want to be able to make him feel like I will always be there for him no matter what. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to be crazy. I hate the anxiety that I have. It's like a wall that I can't climb over. There are days when I feel like maybe it's passed - but then something happens and it all comes rushing back.
The only times that I feel like myself are when I'm with him. And he's not here. And he won't be here for atleast another year. Are we even going to last that long? Or will he get sick and tired of dealing with my neuroces and leave me, just like everyone else did? That was always the excuse. "Sarah, I just can't do it anymore." "Yes, we'll still be friends." Bullshit. It's all bullshit.
I know that Wesley deals with a lot of stress because of the military. And my stress cannot be compared to his at all. I try to hard to be happy. I love him with every inch of my being. And I honestly do feel that he is it for me. Deep down I believe every word that he says to me. This is so different than anything else that I've ever experienced.
But I'm so unstable.
I'm so unstable that I project my unstableness onto every aspect of my life. My family, my friends, my boyfriend. Everything. I almost lost two amazing people in my life a few weeks ago over something completely ridiculous. I can see myself getting upset over the smallest things, and I can see how insane it is, but yet I do it anyways. I can't stop myself half-way, because even if I know that I am totally wrong, I will never let anyone else that I think that.
I'm stubborn. So stubborn.
I thought that Wesley would be the thing to change me. And in a way he has. I can't see myself being with anyone else. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. And for the sake of our relationship, and my mental health, I need to change my ways.
I need to figure out a way to stop being so obsessive, and neurotic. A way to stop analyzing every word that comes out of his mouth. I need to stop thinking that with every conversation we have, it's going to be the last. The only way I see to solve these things, is to get on a higher dosage of medicine. Although I was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety Disorder, and got prescribed medication, I don't take it. Why? Because I was diagnosed with it at a time in my life when I knew I was very unstable, and I could see that things really weren't working out. After my first boyfriend dumped me. Now, I know everything is perfect. I'm in college, doing art, something that a lot of people can only dream of being able to do. Things are so perfect that I wonder why I have this. Why did I deserve to get into this school? Why me?
That is how I know that I have a serious problem. When I can see how perfect my life is, and yet I still feel like I'm dying.
I'm leaving this school at the end of the semester. I'm leaving behind something that I used to say was my "dream". This was the one thing that I wanted more than anything else. It was an honor to get into this program, and I'm leaving it behind. Why? Why would I waste my parents money on something that I didn't really want to do? I'm leaving this school to go home and study at a community college and live at home. That is not what an 18 year old is supposed to do. I'm supposed to be here. Partying on the weekends, and making bad decisions.
I don't want to do that. I want to get married. I want to move to North Carolina and start my life. I don't want to go back home and go to NVCC. I want to be able to say that I went to college and I got my degree in Education and I'm a teacher. Why do I want to get married? How ridiculous is that. I'm 18 fucking years old. Everything I want to do is backwards.
I'm so confused.
After I leave VCU, I have one year to decide to come back before I have to re-apply. A lot can change in a year.
There are few things that I am absolutely positive about. I love my cats, I'm positive about that. I want to spend the rest of my life with Wesley, I know that, too. But I'm 18 years old, and we have our ENTIRE lives to do that. But what if we don't do it now and I fuck up and he leaves me? Then what?
I'm doing the same thing that I always do. I can act like I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, but I am. I have always done that, and I always will. I can see myself in 10 years with a degree in Art Education, teaching kids at a public school in Fayetteville. But I can also see myself in 10 years living in a nasty apartment by myself thinking that I'm going to die alone. I don't want to be that person. I'm terrified of that person. I was that person 3 years ago. I don't want to go back to that place.
I want to be happy. I want to be 28 years old and say "I know I made the right decision". I'm scared that I'll look back on my freshman year in college and think, "What was I thinking?" Maybe this isn't such a big decision though. I'm not even sure anymore.
I want to be happy. Secure. Confident. I want everyone to be happy. I want people to know what they want and not beat around the bush. I hate seeing Hunter and McClain not be together. How can you say that you'd marry someone, and then change your mind a week after? How can you be so confused about the person that you're with, that you can make such a huge statement, and then take it back? Why would you do that to someone?
Heartbreak hurts. A lot. And I can feel it already. I feel it everytime the phone goes to voicemail, or my texts don't get answered. I know this boy loves me. I can see it when he looks at me. I can feel it every time he touches me. I know that this is real - more real that anything I've felt in my life.
I'm insane. At least I can admit that.
Please don't leave me. I want to always feel the feeling that I get when you kiss me. The feeling that I get when you look at me. When my kids ask me about the first person that I fell deeply, madly in love with, I don't want to have to pull out a yearbook or old pictures, I want to be able to point across the room at you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. No matter what. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met in my life. I still get butterflies every time we see each other, and I want to keep that. Always.
All I can say is that I hope I'm making the right decision. I hope that I can look back on this and be confident. I think that everything will come together once I go home for the summer. And if it doesn't, than I guess I'll be writing in this a lot more.