been awhile.....
Sup livejournal, glad to see you're still up and running in the soon-to-be wee hours of the morning where we've rendezvoused so erratically throughout the years...
Lots and too little has changed since I last tried to write in here. Here's a quick list off the top of my head:
1) Still going to London
2) Still at LC and still a psych major
3) Homeland still has the same old problems
4) Still feeling complicated
Pretty much the gist of it.
Now, the things that are different are a little hard to communicate, mostly because I'm about to try and help myself untangle these.....different things.
First and foremost, this bitch is wifed up.
Excusemesaywhat?
Yes. Not literally wifed, but I met a boy who tied me down. Funny how it happened, too....let me explain:
Last year sucked. I felt like I was taking sucker punches to the face left and right and the only light at the end of the Sophomore tunnel was a semester abroad in London. We all know how beaten and bruised I was from Andy, that's no secret, so London was the first step into a repaired, enlightened, and very free Caitlyn.
I came into this year with no expectations (unlike last year) and a horribly cynical, salacious attitude. What I'm really trying to get at is: I came into Junior year planning to man eat and get away with it. The last few years had started to really reinforce my vision of my future as being single and powerful and lawless.
I had been thoroughly convinced, upside down, inside and out, that there was no one out there who could get me to feel the way I felt with Andy. Or to even feel at all. I found different outlets for my passions, which I'll get to in a second. I honest to god thought I was going to get away without having to look anybody in the eye and feel that vulnerable and transparent ever again. I was prepared to continue playing invincible and unconquerable for as long as it took.
I really don't want to sound cocky or like a huge bitch but I had gotten really good at playing the field. Tugging at heartstrings that didn't belong to me (I'd like to take this parenthesis to apologize ...) ....etc. I weaseled my way into people's worlds that I probably never could have had I not endured some of the bullshit from these last few years. I'll be the first to admit it: I more often than not have complicated relationships and am a hard person to please, and for that, I blame myself. But my emotions are always pure and naiive and my way of communicating them are never all that coherent, which is where the complicated part comes in. My temper will blow but that's purely out of hurt. I get the nonstop, uncontrollable giggles in serious moments purely because I am really that happy. And I don't know how to deal with such big emotions without at least some framework around it.
One thing I've noticed these days is how much I've grown up and how much I've learned from my past disasters. I've learned how to talk through the ins-and-outs of things much better than I used to, and I've taken a lot of the control back into my own hands (which is probably what landed me in this situation in the first place). I also finally pulled myself back up by my bootstraps and know how much I'm worth. I know that I am the last person on this earth (this actually applies to everyone) who deserves to be fucked with and that I can dish out as much bullshit as the best of them. Above all, I have learned that there is humor in everything.
Everything.
So when I tell you that I am falling head over heels for a freshman, I expect you to laugh. I chuckle about it everyday. It's a knee slapper, especially when you factor in the London mentality I had coming in to this year. I laugh because I think, "Shit, what are the odds of that? That fucking would happen."
So here is why I write to you, livejournal. I was so excited to get to London. I knew how many days were left til January 5th; even to the hour. The idea has kept me afloat for so many months.....and now, every second feels like a ticking time bomb to me.
I'm teetering violently between staying numb and falling very hard into love. I've done a good job, unintentionally, of keeping my emotions in check. I often find myself surprised at how different this is from what I had with Andy.
With just a nod to the past, I fell in love with Andy quickly and passionately and it was way beyond any logical control. It ended just as fiery as it started. With Corey, it's been a slow (but quick?) decent.... in a good sense. I know that might not make sense.
All it took was one look in his direction a couple seats away from him at a football game. In hindsight, it was like toppling dominoes from then on.
He shares my humor. I vibe with him on a whole different level. He has a creative, unconventional, untamed mind and likes to use it. He understood me before knowing me. He is uncomplicated but always surprising. He is an ENFP but had me convinced he was an introvert, which is what makes his type even more interesting. We seem to always be on the same wavelength. He can whoop me in ping pong and pool and bp. He can chug a beer faster than anybody I've ever encountered and I like it. I feel good around him, which is what I'm really trying to get at.
It's started to hit me that I am leaving for London in almost exactly 2 months and that it means nearly 7 months of separation from him. It has started affecting me whenever he leaves the room or anywhere.....I feel sad and a little torn. I feel a little empty. I feel like it's going to hurt more than I can take when Christmas rolls around and it all starts. It's a pain that I am all too familiar with and I'm starting to relive it, slowly but surely.
I feel like I want to end it now, while I'm still relatively in an emotional gray area, or before I start feeling the full blown feelings. I hate those feelings; they overwhelm me. Every kiss, every hug, every cuddle feels like there is no world outside of ourselves.
But he is someone I want to keep around. He is too much of a person that I want and need in my life and I'd be a fool to let that go just to lessen the blow of several months apart. It's just that every kiss.....the ones on my forehead, my nose, my ear......reverberate straight through me. Even the quick but sly glances here and there just strike me. When he holds my head and looks me straight in the eye, I am gripped by his sincerity and feel overwhelmingly concordant.
He makes me want to abandon my London dreams, and for that....I am scared.
Lots and too little has changed since I last tried to write in here. Here's a quick list off the top of my head:
1) Still going to London
2) Still at LC and still a psych major
3) Homeland still has the same old problems
4) Still feeling complicated
Pretty much the gist of it.
Now, the things that are different are a little hard to communicate, mostly because I'm about to try and help myself untangle these.....different things.
First and foremost, this bitch is wifed up.
Excusemesaywhat?
Yes. Not literally wifed, but I met a boy who tied me down. Funny how it happened, too....let me explain:
Last year sucked. I felt like I was taking sucker punches to the face left and right and the only light at the end of the Sophomore tunnel was a semester abroad in London. We all know how beaten and bruised I was from Andy, that's no secret, so London was the first step into a repaired, enlightened, and very free Caitlyn.
I came into this year with no expectations (unlike last year) and a horribly cynical, salacious attitude. What I'm really trying to get at is: I came into Junior year planning to man eat and get away with it. The last few years had started to really reinforce my vision of my future as being single and powerful and lawless.
I had been thoroughly convinced, upside down, inside and out, that there was no one out there who could get me to feel the way I felt with Andy. Or to even feel at all. I found different outlets for my passions, which I'll get to in a second. I honest to god thought I was going to get away without having to look anybody in the eye and feel that vulnerable and transparent ever again. I was prepared to continue playing invincible and unconquerable for as long as it took.
I really don't want to sound cocky or like a huge bitch but I had gotten really good at playing the field. Tugging at heartstrings that didn't belong to me (I'd like to take this parenthesis to apologize ...) ....etc. I weaseled my way into people's worlds that I probably never could have had I not endured some of the bullshit from these last few years. I'll be the first to admit it: I more often than not have complicated relationships and am a hard person to please, and for that, I blame myself. But my emotions are always pure and naiive and my way of communicating them are never all that coherent, which is where the complicated part comes in. My temper will blow but that's purely out of hurt. I get the nonstop, uncontrollable giggles in serious moments purely because I am really that happy. And I don't know how to deal with such big emotions without at least some framework around it.
One thing I've noticed these days is how much I've grown up and how much I've learned from my past disasters. I've learned how to talk through the ins-and-outs of things much better than I used to, and I've taken a lot of the control back into my own hands (which is probably what landed me in this situation in the first place). I also finally pulled myself back up by my bootstraps and know how much I'm worth. I know that I am the last person on this earth (this actually applies to everyone) who deserves to be fucked with and that I can dish out as much bullshit as the best of them. Above all, I have learned that there is humor in everything.
Everything.
So when I tell you that I am falling head over heels for a freshman, I expect you to laugh. I chuckle about it everyday. It's a knee slapper, especially when you factor in the London mentality I had coming in to this year. I laugh because I think, "Shit, what are the odds of that? That fucking would happen."
So here is why I write to you, livejournal. I was so excited to get to London. I knew how many days were left til January 5th; even to the hour. The idea has kept me afloat for so many months.....and now, every second feels like a ticking time bomb to me.
I'm teetering violently between staying numb and falling very hard into love. I've done a good job, unintentionally, of keeping my emotions in check. I often find myself surprised at how different this is from what I had with Andy.
With just a nod to the past, I fell in love with Andy quickly and passionately and it was way beyond any logical control. It ended just as fiery as it started. With Corey, it's been a slow (but quick?) decent.... in a good sense. I know that might not make sense.
All it took was one look in his direction a couple seats away from him at a football game. In hindsight, it was like toppling dominoes from then on.
He shares my humor. I vibe with him on a whole different level. He has a creative, unconventional, untamed mind and likes to use it. He understood me before knowing me. He is uncomplicated but always surprising. He is an ENFP but had me convinced he was an introvert, which is what makes his type even more interesting. We seem to always be on the same wavelength. He can whoop me in ping pong and pool and bp. He can chug a beer faster than anybody I've ever encountered and I like it. I feel good around him, which is what I'm really trying to get at.
It's started to hit me that I am leaving for London in almost exactly 2 months and that it means nearly 7 months of separation from him. It has started affecting me whenever he leaves the room or anywhere.....I feel sad and a little torn. I feel a little empty. I feel like it's going to hurt more than I can take when Christmas rolls around and it all starts. It's a pain that I am all too familiar with and I'm starting to relive it, slowly but surely.
I feel like I want to end it now, while I'm still relatively in an emotional gray area, or before I start feeling the full blown feelings. I hate those feelings; they overwhelm me. Every kiss, every hug, every cuddle feels like there is no world outside of ourselves.
But he is someone I want to keep around. He is too much of a person that I want and need in my life and I'd be a fool to let that go just to lessen the blow of several months apart. It's just that every kiss.....the ones on my forehead, my nose, my ear......reverberate straight through me. Even the quick but sly glances here and there just strike me. When he holds my head and looks me straight in the eye, I am gripped by his sincerity and feel overwhelmingly concordant.
He makes me want to abandon my London dreams, and for that....I am scared.