A Year.
So, it's almost been a year since I have updated this sucker.
For some reason I've gotten the itch to write again, so here it goes.
It's only nine days until my birthday. Which means yet another year has came and went. The multitude of people and places that I have experienced in a year is astounding. I cannot even begin to list the things I have learned. I wouldn't say that I really regret anything, other than letting myself get in way too deep when everything I know tells me I shouldn't. But as I like to think, I'd much rather regret something I did than I didn't do. I've found that the people who I surround myself with are those who bring out the best in me. I think its a subconscious action, but nonetheless I've noticed a trend. Those who are there for me regardless of the circumstances I am forever greatful, obviously a blog on myspace is no way to thank someone, but you get the idea.
It is hard for me to believe that my first year at college is about to be finished. It feels as though yesterday I was receiving my diploma, and shipping off to Europe. Thankfully I am going back again in 35 days. I know everyone says it's like I don't want to be here, but its not that, it's more I just need a break. The states is so rushed and controversial and at times it seems out of control. When I go to Ireland its like I could just disappear there and never have to deal with all of the upset and drama here. I earnestly wish I could bring each and every person I hold dear with me there, because I truly love them, but maybe it's good that we're apart, I'd like to think that it makes relationships stronger. Since last summer I really do not feel that I have lost touch with anyone who truly matters. I've remained close with those who matter and I matter to.
Bridgewater has been an experience in itself. I have met and dismissed more people than I can count. I have found people who I feel as though I have known them forever, and will know forever. Even though it's said that you find your true friends in college, I still keep my select few from highschool who have been there far longer than the four years from Allentown. I am so glad that I picked this school. Everything happens for a reason and I know that the reason that I came here was because of the people who I would meet and would change my life, better or worse. I've also realized that certain people are put in your life for certain reasons. I've even discovered a few who I realize are clearly in my life so that I never turn out like them. Although it's terrible to say such a thing, I think it's true. I've had a hard time dealing with timing constantly being off. Whenever it seems as though something is going how I'd always wanted it to, there seems to be something that brings upset. And it's just really discerning for me. I always want everything to work out the right way and I always want to make everyone happy, and it's hard to do that, especially when in the end I usually end up forgetting to do what makes me happy. Unfortunately most of the time what makes me happy is not an option, or the timing is yet again not right. But I take it as a learning experience, as I always do.
So many things are up in the air for me, and it's hard to keep everything together. I am in debt beyond belief, and it's embarrassing, and shocking and frightening. I still refuse to ask my parents for money because I know that they only have so much, which makes it hard. Things with that boy, has been relentlessly frustrating. For a week it was as if everything I had always wanted to happen was happening. It was a reality, and then all of the sudden it went down hill. I feel like i did something wrong, and i've been over it a hundred times and i can't figure what i could have done. I know the situation is ridiculously complicated, and i know there's more to it on his end because of the complexity. But at the same time, i have hard time comprehending the reasons why you would tell a girl how amazing she is and persist on hanging out and such and then, bam..cold turkey. Nothing, nada. And then things got a little better, we talked and i was informed that he sincerely cared for me and that i was a great friend and he didnt want to lose that. And then, again nothing. The whole hot and cold thing is slowly driving me insane. I hate the way that i like everything about him(almost everything), the way he talks, the way he looks at you, his laugh his smell, his eyes. Itchhh..and i feel so comfortable with him, that we have so much in common i can be myself and so many things that we've talked about we hold in common. So why does this have to be so difficult? And how come despite how much i want him to pick me, that when i think of all the circumstances that would change for him and her that i feel terrible. I feel like an awful person for wishing that on another girl. To hope that he realizes that she's all wrong for him. But i think about how hard it would be for her, and how much she loves him and how much she's invested in them. Why am i a magnet for unavailable men. Why can't they just ignore you when they're involved with someone else..no, they have to reel you in and then youre stuck. That's what i am, stuck on him. I've been stuck since the first day i saw him, which is ridiculously cliche and corny, but its the truth. And i hate everything about it, i hate how my stomach is constantly in knots over it, i hate how vulnerable i get when i let my guard down. I was doing so well, i kept everyone at arm's length and that way you don't get let down. I got my hopes up and now i feel like shit. I hate how i get butterflies everytime i see him. I hate how much i like spending time with him. I hate how i'm writing so much about this, but its been so bottled up, and i had to get it out. Perhaps i will feel better after this, but i feel like the chances of that are slim to none.
For some reason I've gotten the itch to write again, so here it goes.
It's only nine days until my birthday. Which means yet another year has came and went. The multitude of people and places that I have experienced in a year is astounding. I cannot even begin to list the things I have learned. I wouldn't say that I really regret anything, other than letting myself get in way too deep when everything I know tells me I shouldn't. But as I like to think, I'd much rather regret something I did than I didn't do. I've found that the people who I surround myself with are those who bring out the best in me. I think its a subconscious action, but nonetheless I've noticed a trend. Those who are there for me regardless of the circumstances I am forever greatful, obviously a blog on myspace is no way to thank someone, but you get the idea.
It is hard for me to believe that my first year at college is about to be finished. It feels as though yesterday I was receiving my diploma, and shipping off to Europe. Thankfully I am going back again in 35 days. I know everyone says it's like I don't want to be here, but its not that, it's more I just need a break. The states is so rushed and controversial and at times it seems out of control. When I go to Ireland its like I could just disappear there and never have to deal with all of the upset and drama here. I earnestly wish I could bring each and every person I hold dear with me there, because I truly love them, but maybe it's good that we're apart, I'd like to think that it makes relationships stronger. Since last summer I really do not feel that I have lost touch with anyone who truly matters. I've remained close with those who matter and I matter to.
Bridgewater has been an experience in itself. I have met and dismissed more people than I can count. I have found people who I feel as though I have known them forever, and will know forever. Even though it's said that you find your true friends in college, I still keep my select few from highschool who have been there far longer than the four years from Allentown. I am so glad that I picked this school. Everything happens for a reason and I know that the reason that I came here was because of the people who I would meet and would change my life, better or worse. I've also realized that certain people are put in your life for certain reasons. I've even discovered a few who I realize are clearly in my life so that I never turn out like them. Although it's terrible to say such a thing, I think it's true. I've had a hard time dealing with timing constantly being off. Whenever it seems as though something is going how I'd always wanted it to, there seems to be something that brings upset. And it's just really discerning for me. I always want everything to work out the right way and I always want to make everyone happy, and it's hard to do that, especially when in the end I usually end up forgetting to do what makes me happy. Unfortunately most of the time what makes me happy is not an option, or the timing is yet again not right. But I take it as a learning experience, as I always do.
So many things are up in the air for me, and it's hard to keep everything together. I am in debt beyond belief, and it's embarrassing, and shocking and frightening. I still refuse to ask my parents for money because I know that they only have so much, which makes it hard. Things with that boy, has been relentlessly frustrating. For a week it was as if everything I had always wanted to happen was happening. It was a reality, and then all of the sudden it went down hill. I feel like i did something wrong, and i've been over it a hundred times and i can't figure what i could have done. I know the situation is ridiculously complicated, and i know there's more to it on his end because of the complexity. But at the same time, i have hard time comprehending the reasons why you would tell a girl how amazing she is and persist on hanging out and such and then, bam..cold turkey. Nothing, nada. And then things got a little better, we talked and i was informed that he sincerely cared for me and that i was a great friend and he didnt want to lose that. And then, again nothing. The whole hot and cold thing is slowly driving me insane. I hate the way that i like everything about him(almost everything), the way he talks, the way he looks at you, his laugh his smell, his eyes. Itchhh..and i feel so comfortable with him, that we have so much in common i can be myself and so many things that we've talked about we hold in common. So why does this have to be so difficult? And how come despite how much i want him to pick me, that when i think of all the circumstances that would change for him and her that i feel terrible. I feel like an awful person for wishing that on another girl. To hope that he realizes that she's all wrong for him. But i think about how hard it would be for her, and how much she loves him and how much she's invested in them. Why am i a magnet for unavailable men. Why can't they just ignore you when they're involved with someone else..no, they have to reel you in and then youre stuck. That's what i am, stuck on him. I've been stuck since the first day i saw him, which is ridiculously cliche and corny, but its the truth. And i hate everything about it, i hate how my stomach is constantly in knots over it, i hate how vulnerable i get when i let my guard down. I was doing so well, i kept everyone at arm's length and that way you don't get let down. I got my hopes up and now i feel like shit. I hate how i get butterflies everytime i see him. I hate how much i like spending time with him. I hate how i'm writing so much about this, but its been so bottled up, and i had to get it out. Perhaps i will feel better after this, but i feel like the chances of that are slim to none.