(no subject)
When I started thinking about writing this post, I was ready an hour before I was actually supposed to be ready. No alarm went off this morning because my phone, which is what I normally use as an alarm, has been with a friend since Saturday, and my alarm clock had been unplugged. Fortunately, I woke up around 4:50 or 5:00 and instead of setting the alarm for another five minutes ahead until I feel like getting up, I woke up, without bothering to check the clock, and left my room. I got into the bathroom and I decided that I'd just straighten my hair and not take a shower-I didn't feel like getting cold, which is why I'm wearing my long-sleave/short-sleave shirt duo. Since then, I have just been doing little things and reading through LiveJournal, etc. After reading some entries, I started thinking about stuff that normally happens to me when I hear certain things, and that led to me thinking about a whole lot of uncertainties I have with myself. For a long time now, I've been thinking of the phrase "I'll destroy everything that is me," and I've always caught myself wanting to update my journal with it. Until now, I've stopped myself simply because nothing I said felt right to me, and I didn't want to bother updating if I knew that I was going to read it and delete it a few minutes after posting. But either way, I think that I am, intentionally or not. I tend to constantly analyze myself and everything I say, and compared to who I thought I have been, I'm actually pretty far from that. I don't think that I am myself anymore, and I don't feel comfortable with anything right now. I don't think I want to go to school, simply because I don't want to, and that should be enough, but I understand what would happen if I didn't go, and I hate it. So much, even a vast majority of life, depends on money, and I don't want to have to depend upon it. Why should I have to? I use the phrase "have to" loosely, because not depending on it makes living a whole lot harder, and that shouldn't be necessary. But, even if I were to disregard money as a factor, the idea of leaving school would still make me feel uncomfortable, and unjustifiably so, but more and more things are making me that way nowadays; no matter how common it's making itself apparent to me, I still can't explain it, and me trying to do so wouldn't help either of us. I've also been thinking about moving to Norway, and just everything, and I don't know what I want anymore; and I'll try to figure it out. I've listed a lot of things in my head, and nothing is a one-hundred-percent-sure thing for me anymore, even though there's one thing right now that I keep telling myself that I know I want, I still can't feel completely complacent with myself saying that I do want it for sure. I've been thinking that maybe it's the "breaking the routine" of things that gets me uncomfortable, but I don't think that would be accurate, mainly because I don't think I'd be that bothered if I ended up moving. I've settled since I've moved, but now there is nothing for me here. Truth be told, though, I don't think that there's anything for me anywhere, because everything that is worth anything, I've all ready experienced, and most everything in my life is just some variation of something repeated a million times over. I think that moving might be a good idea. I don't have time to finish this. I've been working on it for forty minutes now, and I need to get ready for school. To try and throw down some things I've been meaning to say that are floating around in my head, I'm going to put some thoughts behind a colon: nothing I said was specific towards anyone person or party, living life to feel is losing its point to me, even though I would never stop trying not to, nobody asks me to hang out with them, so me moving wouldn't probably make a difference, and, despite the fact that I know I could never see myself getting into a relationship with someone that's broken up with me or I've had some feelings for and never got into because it wouldn't feel right anymore, I think I still feel jealous when I hear about things.