(no subject)
The only time I ever update is when I have some mind blowing revelation that will forever change my life, but normally it's just a bunch of lies. Lies that I tell my self because I can't face the reality of not knowing all the questions, or any of the answers. I'm sick and tired of acquiescing to other people’s idea of who I am and what I should do. I'm tired of lying threw my teeth so I don't piss anyone off and then blowing up at people who don't totally deserve it. I'm tired of talking to people who are depressing and are never there when you need something just when they do.
I'm really scared that if I actually start saying and doing what I wanna do, I'll have to make all new friends cause they'll hate me or something and I'll have to decided if I actually like the ones I have. And having to start all over again is really hard. Winter makes me depressed. I wish I could focus more.
I wish I could be happy and normal and clam and sweet and caring and forget the past and be fake totally fake and not even bat an eyelash when every part of my insides are screaming tell her you hate her, tell her she's a bitch, tell her she's wrong, tell her something anything as long as it's truth and stop nodding you're head like a compliant conformist idiot, but I can only do that when I have fifteen different pills in my stomach eating away and my truth and my personally. Fuck this. I think everyone I know is a fake bitch and I've totally been one of them, but if I wanna keep from killing myself and everyone around me I've gotta stop.
I'm really scared that if I actually start saying and doing what I wanna do, I'll have to make all new friends cause they'll hate me or something and I'll have to decided if I actually like the ones I have. And having to start all over again is really hard. Winter makes me depressed. I wish I could focus more.
I wish I could be happy and normal and clam and sweet and caring and forget the past and be fake totally fake and not even bat an eyelash when every part of my insides are screaming tell her you hate her, tell her she's a bitch, tell her she's wrong, tell her something anything as long as it's truth and stop nodding you're head like a compliant conformist idiot, but I can only do that when I have fifteen different pills in my stomach eating away and my truth and my personally. Fuck this. I think everyone I know is a fake bitch and I've totally been one of them, but if I wanna keep from killing myself and everyone around me I've gotta stop.