(no subject)
Things That Concern Me.
- Depression; random crying bouts
- Severe anxiety; inability to approach people; overwhelming feeling that my friends secretly hate me
- Paranoia, usually magnified by insomnia.
- Insomnia
- Binge/starve cycle
- Anorexia? Usually subside on around 600 calories per day. Don’t like to eat foods that contain more than one or two ingredients; feels too complicated. Know the caloric content of everything I eat. Odd eating patterns; eats everything in order. Distorted mirror images; feels hugely overweight. Compulsive weighing/measuring, 6 or 7 times a day. Occasional laxative usage. Extreme guilt/shame after eating (lack of self control), feels amazing to not eat. Drinks over a gallon of liquids per day to lose water weight. Vegan.
- Pica. Compulsion to consume cotton, ice, wood and flour.
- Blackout binging - inability to remember what I ate or even eating at all, normally consume over a thousand calories in one sitting. Happens 2 or 3 times a month. Purging is rare, usually followed by three or four days of not eating.
- Habitual cruising - normally around 2 or 3 am, I take no cash, I wander around grocery stores for hours, just to look/touch/cry.
- Moderate Adderal abuse - taken to suppress appetite and boost exercise motivation.
- Sucidial fantasies - mostly aftermath (who would attend the funeral, would they cry, would they miss me, etc) No real desire to follow though, however.
I made this list to take to a doctor. Its frightening when I see it all at once. Now all I have to do is work up the courage to show it to someone...