my heart is poking me.
so.
ya know?
it's been a while my livejournal friends...
........and when I say livejournal friends....I really mean livejournal friend.
........and when I say livejournal friend......I really mean randi.
haha.
so anyway. I've decided to blog this here. away from waundering eyes. and away from everywhere else. where people will make fun of me. that's all that's resulted from these feelings. poke fun at heather. the freak who's fallen for a gross old man. who's a self absorbed jackass. *sigh*. life's twists and tangles. they bring me down so. right now. I could honestly just cry. I'm so tired of being unseen.......my camera doesn't count.....no boys ever see me as more than a camera. seriously. I honestly think that's the only reason why HE keeps in touch. He messaged me today........after not replying to various things......he just out of the blue askes me how I am....why? why does he do that? why doesn't he tell me how he feels. what he things. what he wants. I told him. can he not return the favour? instead of leaving me dangling here like this? it's been 2+ months since I told him. now all I get is random messages 'hey buddy" "hiya pal".....just when I think it may very well be possible to be done with him. He sends me this. I knew it wouldn't end this time though. It just wasn't right. the timing. It won't end just days before I know I will see him again. too bad really. I was closer than I've been in a while. But since the message I know there's no hope of it's death. why does he call me 'buddy' and 'pal'...that's so akward....who calls people that now adays? unless you're trying to hard to be a smooth talker....and use a lonely girl who cares way too much for you to get to her camera......from my understanding and deep down comprehension......He doesn't have feelings for me back. but wants to be my friend....he's not looking to 'seriously date' anyone 'right now'....but he'd 'tottally be into hanging out'.....to me. that means he doesn't have feelings in return, but he wants to keep me around cause I may be useful to him some time in the future. he asked me to do photos for his new record company. fucker. seriously. I feel my heart may pop soon. I hate that I let him do this to me. I hate that I like him so. I hate that I can't get him out of my head. I hate that I can't move on. I just wish I could be loved. my heart hurts. that is all. good night.