Fic!
This was started as a challenge response. Let me demonstrate my ability to follow directions:
The challenge was technology, with the optional line "Oops. I think I broke it." According to the challenge rules, it was also not supposed to exceed 1000 words or have a slash pairing.
This story has nothing to do with technology, doesn't use the optional line, clocks in at 1513 words, and has a McShep pairing. I suppose I could have been more contrary if I'd worked at it, but I don't think I'd have done a more thorough job.
Title: Not Quite
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard established
Summary: Misunderstandings, alien rituals, and 3D jigsaw puzzles.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1513
Spoilers: minor one for The Brotherhood
And finally: I don't own SGA.
“Would anyone like to explain exactly why we’re no longer welcome on yet another world with potential trading partners?” Dr. Weir addressed Atlantis’ flagship team with a weary expression.
“No, we’re still welcome. It’s just McKay and Sheppard they don’t want,” Ronon said, amusement clearly visible. The two men ratted out by the former runner did their best to slink down in their seats and become invisible. Sheppard pulled it off thanks to extensive practice slouching and pretending to be elsewhere. McKay just looked like the chair was trying to eat him.
“The Tarhelians expressed a sincere desire to honor the trade agreement negotiated prior to the … miscommunication.” Go Teyla. At least she had some sense of team loyalty. Or she was just normally polite and disinclined to accusations. John was willing to giver her the benefit of the doubt.
“That’s good news at least.” Weir’s mood seemed to have improved enough with this piece of information that she was able to muster an expression of polite interest and a tone that conveyed no accusation when she asked for a complete report.
“We were able to agree to the trade of medicines and labor during the harvest season for a large portion of the Tarhelians’ crops with no trouble. Difficulties arose after our assistance in performing a religious rite was requested,” Teyla continued the debriefing. “I was unfamiliar with the ritual, despite the fact that my people traded on this world in my father’s day, but they placed much value on its completion.”
*****
“We have heard reports of the ‘Lanteans’ brilliance and cleverness on many worlds and from many trading partners. We ask that you honor us by participating in a ritual joining before you leave.”
Sheppard directed his best glare at Ronon when the man started snickering as soon as the high priest began his request. Although snickering may have been too strong a word, considering his face didn’t move and no sound escaped. He was certain Ronon’s shoulders shook, though. He was equally certain the glare did nothing to deter the not-quite-snickering. It wasn’t as if he asked for these stupid trade rituals!
“What does this ritual entail? I do not recall it occurring when my father traded on this world.” Teyla managed to ignore her teammate’s juvenile behavior. Hopefully she’d get them out of yet another trust/fertility/team-bonding thing.
“The separate parts must be joined together. It is absolutely necessary for the Sphere of Hope to be united before the Sun Festival in three days.” Sheppard could hear the capital letters in the high priest’s explanation. Ronon was shaking even harder now and Teyla quickly jabbed an elbow into Rodney’s ribs to turn the predictable scathing comment about a Sphere of Hope into a whine about elbows and bruising and death that no one paid any attention to at this point, having already heard various versions throughout the negotiations proper.
As Teyla was beginning her usual we’re-honored-but-really-no speech, the high priest turned to John and Rodney and said, “We have heard of your prowess in such matters. If there is to be a harvest to share with your people, you must complete the joining!”
Teyla wasted breath attempting to convince the priest that he really didn’t want to force her teammates to complete this ritual, but the priest was either much smarter than his counterparts on other worlds with weird rituals or much surer of what he wanted.
After exchanging a glance with Rodney, who had also realized that they weren’t going to escape this one, he started to tell the scientist that no, it wasn’t necessary for them to prostitute themselves for food. Rodney apparently had other ideas. “Yes, yes, they have food, we like food, we like sex, we can manage the idiotic sex ritual if we get some of whatever was in that pie they gave us at lunch.” John knew better than to argue. Anyone who thought that he was actually in charge of what happened on missions because of his technical status as team leader was totally delusional.
Teyla smoothly switched over to the this-is-a-very-private-matter-don’t-make-them-do-it-in-public speech. The high priest seemed confused that they would not wish to perform in public to show off their quality and mentioned that McKay had been bragging about his abilities, but agreed to give them the privacy they requested.
After leaving their vests and weapons with Ronon and Teyla, the pair obligingly followed the high priest off to wherever he felt a ritual joining should happen. This turned out to be a hut with a wooden chest set against the far wall and mats made of woven reeds covering the floor. McKay sent him a pained glance at the setup. John gave him a suck-it-up-you-agreed-to-this glare, but made a mental note to ensure that Rodney ended up on the bottom.
Opening the chest, the priest drew out several handfuls of pieces of what appeared to be an Ancient-made metal and began his explanation. “This is the Sphere of Hope, the centerpiece of the Sun Festival. The festival cannot occur without this holy object.” Rodney was too captivated by the possibility of Ancient technology to bother to point out that it wasn’t a sphere, so John took the liberty of doing it for him.
“Exactly! I am glad you grasp the problem!” The high priest continued his explanation, “We need it intact for the festival. There is no ritual for joining the Sphere, so we hoped that the men who solved the mystery of the Potentia might be able to put it back together in time.”
“The ‘joining’ is just putting together a jigsaw puzzle? Of course it is! What possessed you to take the thing apart in the first place? You clearly have no idea what you’re doing! Let me tell you, screwing around with Ancient technology when you don’t understand its function or activation is a *really* Bad Idea!” Rodney went off on the priest and the acolyte who’d accompanied them.
The high priest, somewhat used to McKay after two days of trade negotiations, simply pointed to the acolyte and said, “He thought the Sphere was meant to come apart because it had cracks in its surface. He neglected to consider the process of rejoining the pieces to assemble our most holy object!” As Rodney turned to ream out the acolyte, the high priest gave a sympathetic glance at John, then left them to solve the problem, taking Rodney’s victim with him.
An hour later, the two men were still far from done. They were also annoyed (Rodney) and tired of getting a hand smacked whenever a disagreement about placement arose (John). They were, however, in agreement that ritual sex would have been a better choice because at least they’d be done. Rodney in particular voiced this opinion loudly and at length, making sure to emphasize that at least John was competent when it came to sex. John’s indication that if Rodney wished to remain knowledgeable about his sexual competence he’d better stop with the insults and smacking was met with a predictable glare and more bitching.
Two hours, four power bars, and innumerable arguments later, the Sphere of Hope is now a sphere again and Rodney has determined that the Ancients never intended it to be anything more than a ridiculously hard 3D jigsaw puzzle. They emerge from the hut victorious, Rodney ranting about moronic villagers worshipping a jigsaw puzzle, John noticing that the high priest is looking nowhere near as friendly as he had before they’d entered the hut. He’s so busy thinking “oh shit, not another simple trading mission gone FUBAR” that he misses some of what the high priest’s telling them.
“… the idea of forced rituals of a sexual nature revolting!” John starts nodding frantically, because yeah, that’s not a bad attitude at all. He stops when he hears the priest’s next words.
“Your expectations of joining reveal degenerate culture. Had you not just rejoined the pieces of the Sphere of Hope, we would choose to have nothing more to do with such a society. As it is, we would request that you leave immediately and send others to provide harvest labor in accordance with the trade agreement.”
And so Lt. Colonel John Sheppard and Dr. Rodney McKay were no longer welcome among the Tarhelians. And had earned themselves an armed escort back to the gate. Ronon and Teyla followed along behind them, containing their amusement poorly.
***
“You’re telling me the two of you are forbidden from returning because you were willing to participate in ritual?” Weir was appropriately incredulous.
“Hey, we still get pie. That should count for something!” Some days, John didn’t know when to quit. He’d never mastered the idea of quitting before you’re so far behind you can’t even see the front anymore.
Elizabeth dismissed them before either McKay could try to defend himself or John could try to add things. When the team was gone, she locked the door, opaqued the room’s windows, banged her head on the table a few times, and then laughed so hard she cried.