Fight? Or flight? [personal entry: 07.18.10]
In the last two years, I've met over 100 new people. I've lived with two, dated three, lost five, and stayed with eight. I trust three, keep a distance from two, and unconditionally love four.
I've loved three times, lost twice, hurt once, and tried one more time. I've had three jobs, joined one club, watched dozens of movies, written twelve poems, and finished zero stories. I've had four crushes and six hates.
I've been on three different antidepressants, seen four doctors, one councellor. My hair has been seven different colours and I've pierced four different things. I've read twenty books and written twelve papers. I've been on two vacations, gotten one ticket, had three cavities, and been sick four times and changed my mind a million.
But I'll grow up once.
It's been a process, and taken a lot of tears, fears, pain, and gain, but I'm reaching a point where I want to settle, although "settle" in this case to me means settle for the next two years. When I got to college, it wasn't what I expected--but who can say that it is? Basically, after I settled in, I grew instantly bored. Luckily each semester, each year, held something different, but to be quite honest, I've never felt my heart is in Bemidji. More honestly, I've never even liked Bemidji. I always told myself that it was just my restless nature; stick with it for four years--that's all it takes. But after everything falls apart (best friend leaves, other friends have graduated, fed up with the environment), the offhand fantasy of life at another school seems more and more appealing.
Bemidji isn't horrible, and I can't claim to be completely miserable--save last semester. I've met great people and made some very close friends, but when I asked myself if I could leave it this day and not miss it, I could. I haven't been to any other schools to compare, but I'm pretty sure a person isn't supposed to feel just so-so. I spent all my high school years feeling just so-so, and like there could be something different, something better. So of course my restless self had to go and think about transferring.
Now I am met with a serious challenge. It's hard enough to think about uprooting myself from what I'm used to now, although what I'm used to is hardly satisfying to me. There are things I will miss, but even they aren't worth being mostly unhappy for. My only concern is that the happiness, or even just comfortableness I'm looking for may be a flaw with me, not with my location.
I found out from a Google search that Colorado State has a BFA program in Creative Writing--what I'm currently focused on--and I have been inquiring about life in Fort Collins. The prospect of something new and different excites me. A new start, something fresh--it certainly feels right, but I know by now that my mind often fancies impossible or unrealistic things. I found this might be unrealistic or too spontaneous to be rational, but when my own best friend suggests the same thing I was thinking... isn't that some kind of justification? I trust my instincts, but am I just running again? Will this same thing happen once I get someplace new? I can't keep changing things. It gets costly and it's giving my parents more grey hairs than they deserve.
But I can't stop thinking about it: both leaving Bemidji and transferring to Colorado. There are pros and cons (naturally), and I have about a month and a half to analyze each. Above all, I know I want to be in school. My degree is important to me, as is education, no matter what my concentration is. I love writing, and would like to pursue writing, but where am I getting the best deal? The pros of Bemidji include a small setting with personal professor-student relationships, the BFA degree, a literary publishing practicum (which Colorado must have some form of), the Rivers Meeting published anthology--which I was appointed editor of--and low tuition. The cons: boring, somewhat depressing town, living completely on my own, the same-old, same-old that un-motivates me now, and the scar left over from having a horrible time of it last semester. I fear these energies will only pick up again, and though it won't be my breakup that triggers the intense depression, it'll most certainly be the isolation of living by myself.
I feel now like I have nothing to really stay for. At least nothing important enough for me to stay for. I have good friends, but we're certainly not as close as Steph and I were. The feeling that drives me mad and makes me feel restless and depressed is the feeling that I don't want to be there and that I need to get out. I had that feeling all through high school in an environment that wasn't very fitting to me, and although I did as best I could, I can't keep living with the feeling. Obviously I can't expect it to just heal once I move to Fort Collins, but who knows? Maybe I will find a niche there...
I have already mentioned my aversion to living alone. I like my alone time, but I do not like being alone for a prolonged amount of time. I fear it, hate it, and can't seem to overcome it. If I moved to FoCo, I would need to be living with friends. This may be an obstacle, depending on my friend's own plans. I have discussed graduate school in Fort Collins with one of my closest, and we agreed to try and make living together a reality, but this is a bit earlier than grad school, and she still must finish her degree at Metro. My girlfriend--who has been my friend since middle school--has mentioned living with me, but how will that work with her plans, her current living situation, and her health needs? If this could be worked out, and probably only if this could be worked out, would it be worth a switch.
The cons of moving would include being farther from my parents, having to put school off for at least one semester while I work things out, and all the work that will go into setting this up.
Other things I'll need to do include getting a job before I move, and then again during school. I'll need to buy groceries and pay rent. I'll also need to find some government monies for tuition, because it is much, much more expensive to attend CSU than Bemidji. I will also need to find a place to live, get completely set up, and be sure that I'm stable. Most of these thoughts should be perfectly terrifying and frightening, but for whatever reason, I am not the least bit afraid. I have been challenging myself to do things like this since my first move in 2008, and above everything else that's happened to me in the last two years, I have learned just how much I can do and how strong I can be. If I put my mind to something I am passionate and dedicated to, I usually do pretty well for myself. I fear that I am very impulsive, and I worry that this might just be a product of restless impulsiveness, but I sincerely hope that things will start to become clearer, make more sense, and I'll figure out what it is I feel like doing, where I feel like doing it, and how I should proceed.
I love advice, especially from people I trust, so if you read this and have some thoughts, please contact me!
July 18, 2010
I've loved three times, lost twice, hurt once, and tried one more time. I've had three jobs, joined one club, watched dozens of movies, written twelve poems, and finished zero stories. I've had four crushes and six hates.
I've been on three different antidepressants, seen four doctors, one councellor. My hair has been seven different colours and I've pierced four different things. I've read twenty books and written twelve papers. I've been on two vacations, gotten one ticket, had three cavities, and been sick four times and changed my mind a million.
But I'll grow up once.
It's been a process, and taken a lot of tears, fears, pain, and gain, but I'm reaching a point where I want to settle, although "settle" in this case to me means settle for the next two years. When I got to college, it wasn't what I expected--but who can say that it is? Basically, after I settled in, I grew instantly bored. Luckily each semester, each year, held something different, but to be quite honest, I've never felt my heart is in Bemidji. More honestly, I've never even liked Bemidji. I always told myself that it was just my restless nature; stick with it for four years--that's all it takes. But after everything falls apart (best friend leaves, other friends have graduated, fed up with the environment), the offhand fantasy of life at another school seems more and more appealing.
Bemidji isn't horrible, and I can't claim to be completely miserable--save last semester. I've met great people and made some very close friends, but when I asked myself if I could leave it this day and not miss it, I could. I haven't been to any other schools to compare, but I'm pretty sure a person isn't supposed to feel just so-so. I spent all my high school years feeling just so-so, and like there could be something different, something better. So of course my restless self had to go and think about transferring.
Now I am met with a serious challenge. It's hard enough to think about uprooting myself from what I'm used to now, although what I'm used to is hardly satisfying to me. There are things I will miss, but even they aren't worth being mostly unhappy for. My only concern is that the happiness, or even just comfortableness I'm looking for may be a flaw with me, not with my location.
I found out from a Google search that Colorado State has a BFA program in Creative Writing--what I'm currently focused on--and I have been inquiring about life in Fort Collins. The prospect of something new and different excites me. A new start, something fresh--it certainly feels right, but I know by now that my mind often fancies impossible or unrealistic things. I found this might be unrealistic or too spontaneous to be rational, but when my own best friend suggests the same thing I was thinking... isn't that some kind of justification? I trust my instincts, but am I just running again? Will this same thing happen once I get someplace new? I can't keep changing things. It gets costly and it's giving my parents more grey hairs than they deserve.
But I can't stop thinking about it: both leaving Bemidji and transferring to Colorado. There are pros and cons (naturally), and I have about a month and a half to analyze each. Above all, I know I want to be in school. My degree is important to me, as is education, no matter what my concentration is. I love writing, and would like to pursue writing, but where am I getting the best deal? The pros of Bemidji include a small setting with personal professor-student relationships, the BFA degree, a literary publishing practicum (which Colorado must have some form of), the Rivers Meeting published anthology--which I was appointed editor of--and low tuition. The cons: boring, somewhat depressing town, living completely on my own, the same-old, same-old that un-motivates me now, and the scar left over from having a horrible time of it last semester. I fear these energies will only pick up again, and though it won't be my breakup that triggers the intense depression, it'll most certainly be the isolation of living by myself.
I feel now like I have nothing to really stay for. At least nothing important enough for me to stay for. I have good friends, but we're certainly not as close as Steph and I were. The feeling that drives me mad and makes me feel restless and depressed is the feeling that I don't want to be there and that I need to get out. I had that feeling all through high school in an environment that wasn't very fitting to me, and although I did as best I could, I can't keep living with the feeling. Obviously I can't expect it to just heal once I move to Fort Collins, but who knows? Maybe I will find a niche there...
I have already mentioned my aversion to living alone. I like my alone time, but I do not like being alone for a prolonged amount of time. I fear it, hate it, and can't seem to overcome it. If I moved to FoCo, I would need to be living with friends. This may be an obstacle, depending on my friend's own plans. I have discussed graduate school in Fort Collins with one of my closest, and we agreed to try and make living together a reality, but this is a bit earlier than grad school, and she still must finish her degree at Metro. My girlfriend--who has been my friend since middle school--has mentioned living with me, but how will that work with her plans, her current living situation, and her health needs? If this could be worked out, and probably only if this could be worked out, would it be worth a switch.
The cons of moving would include being farther from my parents, having to put school off for at least one semester while I work things out, and all the work that will go into setting this up.
Other things I'll need to do include getting a job before I move, and then again during school. I'll need to buy groceries and pay rent. I'll also need to find some government monies for tuition, because it is much, much more expensive to attend CSU than Bemidji. I will also need to find a place to live, get completely set up, and be sure that I'm stable. Most of these thoughts should be perfectly terrifying and frightening, but for whatever reason, I am not the least bit afraid. I have been challenging myself to do things like this since my first move in 2008, and above everything else that's happened to me in the last two years, I have learned just how much I can do and how strong I can be. If I put my mind to something I am passionate and dedicated to, I usually do pretty well for myself. I fear that I am very impulsive, and I worry that this might just be a product of restless impulsiveness, but I sincerely hope that things will start to become clearer, make more sense, and I'll figure out what it is I feel like doing, where I feel like doing it, and how I should proceed.
I love advice, especially from people I trust, so if you read this and have some thoughts, please contact me!
July 18, 2010