Fading
i havent written here for so long, not like anyone notices anyways. i feel like the only people who remember that i exist are my mental healthcare providers-dr saidel, nancy, and mrs. henry. i'm listening to K-PAX now because im addicting to it again since we are watching the movie in psychology now. i feel bad for melissa because she could never watch it because it reminded her of me and how we used to watch it together, and then she had to sit next to me and watch it. she cried, no one else could tell, but i know that she cries at the end of like every movie and she would cup her hands to her mouth when people talked about suicide and things that could be related to me. i thought i was going to have a panic attack because now whenever i see someone going out of control and being restained it reminds me of that boy at the hospital the first time who flipped all the tables over and shattered the wooden bookshelves and threatened to kill one of the counselors. my friend cynthia was in there at the time and she ran into the little area between the 2 doors to the unit and was screaming and crying and i thought he hurt her. and they said over the intercom "ALL AVAILABLE STAFF TO ATP!" and practically the whole hospital staff was running full speed down the hall back and forth with gernies. that was when i had my first panic attack. ive also seen so many other kids get resrtained and put onto gernies and its scary because i cant escape that unit and theyre always really angry and on a rampage. anyways no one wants to hear about my experiences at the hospital or how i feel about things because they leave me or shut me out. the other night was scary because i was trying to talk to my parents about how i dont like having hilary's boyfriend over the house all the time and they just dont understand. i dont think they even hear me because they give me the same response every time. so i told them that it was nothing and i ran to my room screaming that no one understands me and i beat my fists against my head hard and i did something i havent done for a while. recently ive been needing to cut out pictures for my art project so my old partner in crime has been out and about again-my scissors. i picked them up and started to saw away and the scary thing was, the sensation felt good and reminded me of old times. so while i was beating on my head my arm was burning and i felt good. and im feeling the knives when i set the table or empty the dishwasher again just to see which one is the sharpest if i ever want to use it. i kept a steak knife hidden in my desk for cutting last spring before i went back into the hospital.
im so frusterated with myself because i feel stupid-i basically view myself as two different people when im having troubles-the me who is the one who wants to rise above this slightly and gets abused like a battereed wife or something. and then theres the me that hurts the fragile me and hurts other people (that one is the dominant one most of the time) and then im frusterated for doing what i did to melissa. today i was asking nancy if its normal to have crushes on men that are in their 50's. she said that it was perfectly normal especially for me because when i get close to people i start to feel romantic towards them, and i noticed thats what happened to me with melissa. the closer we got and the more i depended on her i thought i was in love with her, just like how i feel about mr fish. its just so frusterating because i cant have these older men but they are the ones that i fall for. nancy said that this week i should look at the qualities of the men i have(had) crushes on and that will tell me what type of guy i want. the list is something like David Bowie when i was younger, my snowboard instuctor in 7th grade, johnny rzeznik, ms. demaine's college student, mr fish, counselors at the hospital, and sirius black. its embarassing, but i really like sirius black. nancy said maybe its because he seems exciting and i would want that kind of life (not the azkaban part though)
everyone in my house is gone again. i feel like im always alone now. no one understands me when there are people around and when theyre not around i dont know what to do with myself because i dont like me, so one of the halfs of me wants to get away-far away.
i have to think about things that other people would like to know about myself for my psychology poster. so far im putting pictures of my family, bibi and zoe, my favorite bands, flutes, and the lyrics to the song Iris or maybe black balloon by the goo goo dolls. i have to read the lyrics and see which one would make people less suspicous about my depression, or provoke any questions from mr joyce on why i like the song. i think too much sometimes.
im so frusterated with myself because i feel stupid-i basically view myself as two different people when im having troubles-the me who is the one who wants to rise above this slightly and gets abused like a battereed wife or something. and then theres the me that hurts the fragile me and hurts other people (that one is the dominant one most of the time) and then im frusterated for doing what i did to melissa. today i was asking nancy if its normal to have crushes on men that are in their 50's. she said that it was perfectly normal especially for me because when i get close to people i start to feel romantic towards them, and i noticed thats what happened to me with melissa. the closer we got and the more i depended on her i thought i was in love with her, just like how i feel about mr fish. its just so frusterating because i cant have these older men but they are the ones that i fall for. nancy said that this week i should look at the qualities of the men i have(had) crushes on and that will tell me what type of guy i want. the list is something like David Bowie when i was younger, my snowboard instuctor in 7th grade, johnny rzeznik, ms. demaine's college student, mr fish, counselors at the hospital, and sirius black. its embarassing, but i really like sirius black. nancy said maybe its because he seems exciting and i would want that kind of life (not the azkaban part though)
everyone in my house is gone again. i feel like im always alone now. no one understands me when there are people around and when theyre not around i dont know what to do with myself because i dont like me, so one of the halfs of me wants to get away-far away.
i have to think about things that other people would like to know about myself for my psychology poster. so far im putting pictures of my family, bibi and zoe, my favorite bands, flutes, and the lyrics to the song Iris or maybe black balloon by the goo goo dolls. i have to read the lyrics and see which one would make people less suspicous about my depression, or provoke any questions from mr joyce on why i like the song. i think too much sometimes.