(no subject)
NEW RULE: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com ! There's
a reason we don't talk to people for 25 years -- it's because we don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: Mowing My Lawn!
NEW RULE: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. HELLO! ... It costs less than a
dollar! What did you expect it to contain? -- Trout? Luckily it was
only a finger! If it were a whole hand, you can be sure Congress would have voted to keep it alive!
NEW RULE: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids -- "Lucky Bastards"!
NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: "Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done!
NEW RULE: There's no such thing as flavored water! There is a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket ... water without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water!
NEW RULE: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole! If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half low fat, iced vanilla, double shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet" .... Ohhhhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!
NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. Turn around and look at it in a mirror, it's right
above the crack of your ass! And it translates to "beef with broccoli." Last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high!"
NEW RULE: Competitive eating is NOT a sport. It's one of the Seven
Deadly Sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those "athletes" at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait ..
they're already doing that. It's called the Howard Stern Show!
NEW RULE: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone at the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's not forget that the reason something was a television show in the first place is because it wasn't good enough to be a movie.
NEW RULE: NO MORE GIFT REGISTRIES! ... You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people pay for it is not gift-giving, it's the white people version of looting!
NEW RULE: (and this one is long overdue)! ... No More Bathroom Attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or if he's just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam dude, I just want to wash my hands.
NEW RULE: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know it
in months. " Oh, he's 27 Months old tomorrow." "He's two,'' will do
just fine. He's not a cheese. And I really didn't care in the first place, I was just being polite.
a reason we don't talk to people for 25 years -- it's because we don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: Mowing My Lawn!
NEW RULE: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. HELLO! ... It costs less than a
dollar! What did you expect it to contain? -- Trout? Luckily it was
only a finger! If it were a whole hand, you can be sure Congress would have voted to keep it alive!
NEW RULE: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids -- "Lucky Bastards"!
NEW RULE: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: "Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done!
NEW RULE: There's no such thing as flavored water! There is a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket ... water without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water!
NEW RULE: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole! If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half low fat, iced vanilla, double shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet" .... Ohhhhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!
NEW RULE: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. Turn around and look at it in a mirror, it's right
above the crack of your ass! And it translates to "beef with broccoli." Last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual, you're just high!"
NEW RULE: Competitive eating is NOT a sport. It's one of the Seven
Deadly Sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those "athletes" at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait ..
they're already doing that. It's called the Howard Stern Show!
NEW RULE: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone at the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's not forget that the reason something was a television show in the first place is because it wasn't good enough to be a movie.
NEW RULE: NO MORE GIFT REGISTRIES! ... You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people pay for it is not gift-giving, it's the white people version of looting!
NEW RULE: (and this one is long overdue)! ... No More Bathroom Attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or if he's just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam dude, I just want to wash my hands.
NEW RULE: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know it
in months. " Oh, he's 27 Months old tomorrow." "He's two,'' will do
just fine. He's not a cheese. And I really didn't care in the first place, I was just being polite.