ready to die in a pathetic, isolated state
“Sadness is a weight.”
“Right.”
Cold, blue hands pressed against my mouth, searching for a warm breath.
“It’s only five o’clock, look how dark it is.”
“It’s December, what do you expect?”
I wasn’t sure what I had expected. This wasn’t it. This wasn’t home.
“You know, all this back and forth… it will never work. You should know that already. By now, you’ve got to see that there’s no future, right? No real one. No happiness.”
“I planned on marriage… two years ago.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Strange. This is why kids can’t get married, they make stupid decisions. Eighteen and divorced, how would that feel?”
“I don’t see your point really.”
“Sadness is a weight, that’s my point.”
“I understand that.”
“I’m sure you do. What you don’t understand, I bet, is that things do get better. Eventually.”
“I am aware of that. I just don’t have the time, I really don’t. I’ve been through it before… I can’t go through it again. All those long months of being alone. It’s just, it’s in my stomach now. I can feel it down there, burning out my insides. It’s weird, but I can really feel it.”
The overpass seemed much higher than I had ever noticed before. My throat still burned from the unmarked water bottle laying beside me. I knew tears were running down my face, I felt their numbing sting. It was so god damn windy.
“It’s fucking cold.”
“Yeah it is.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“You always do, you always have that choice. It’s always there.”
“Not anymore, not for me.”
“You really can’t see it getting better?”
“I can’t. I just can’t.”
“I’m sorry then, I really am.”
“Maybe if it were warmer, you know? But that’s just false hope. I know, no matter what time of year, this is how I’d feel. It hurts so much.” I felt my throat closing up. I was choking on truth.
“You look the same.”
I didn’t feel the same. I felt empty and misguided. I was ready for some sort of change.
“I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
“Tell me about the first time you saw-”
“I’d rather not. I’d really rather not. Every time I think about it, I feel sharp pains all throughout my body. I just want to lay somewhere forever, but even then it gets to me.”
“Are you sure?”
I paused for a long while. I thought about everything, it scared me.
“I never though about killing myself until I met her.”
“There’s no going back.”
“That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?”
“I guess so.” I shook my head. Everything hurt so much, it had to be ten degrees at most. “If it starts snowing I might just join you.” I laughed. It didn’t help much, but I wanted to try at least. Every car that passed behind or below made everything that much worse.
“So, is there nothing else I can say?”
“I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
He nodded.
The sadness was a weight, it dragged me down fast onto the cold pavement below. I hope my last thought was of a caring friend who tried so hard to stop me.
“Right.”
Cold, blue hands pressed against my mouth, searching for a warm breath.
“It’s only five o’clock, look how dark it is.”
“It’s December, what do you expect?”
I wasn’t sure what I had expected. This wasn’t it. This wasn’t home.
“You know, all this back and forth… it will never work. You should know that already. By now, you’ve got to see that there’s no future, right? No real one. No happiness.”
“I planned on marriage… two years ago.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Strange. This is why kids can’t get married, they make stupid decisions. Eighteen and divorced, how would that feel?”
“I don’t see your point really.”
“Sadness is a weight, that’s my point.”
“I understand that.”
“I’m sure you do. What you don’t understand, I bet, is that things do get better. Eventually.”
“I am aware of that. I just don’t have the time, I really don’t. I’ve been through it before… I can’t go through it again. All those long months of being alone. It’s just, it’s in my stomach now. I can feel it down there, burning out my insides. It’s weird, but I can really feel it.”
The overpass seemed much higher than I had ever noticed before. My throat still burned from the unmarked water bottle laying beside me. I knew tears were running down my face, I felt their numbing sting. It was so god damn windy.
“It’s fucking cold.”
“Yeah it is.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“You always do, you always have that choice. It’s always there.”
“Not anymore, not for me.”
“You really can’t see it getting better?”
“I can’t. I just can’t.”
“I’m sorry then, I really am.”
“Maybe if it were warmer, you know? But that’s just false hope. I know, no matter what time of year, this is how I’d feel. It hurts so much.” I felt my throat closing up. I was choking on truth.
“You look the same.”
I didn’t feel the same. I felt empty and misguided. I was ready for some sort of change.
“I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.”
“Tell me about the first time you saw-”
“I’d rather not. I’d really rather not. Every time I think about it, I feel sharp pains all throughout my body. I just want to lay somewhere forever, but even then it gets to me.”
“Are you sure?”
I paused for a long while. I thought about everything, it scared me.
“I never though about killing myself until I met her.”
“There’s no going back.”
“That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?”
“I guess so.” I shook my head. Everything hurt so much, it had to be ten degrees at most. “If it starts snowing I might just join you.” I laughed. It didn’t help much, but I wanted to try at least. Every car that passed behind or below made everything that much worse.
“So, is there nothing else I can say?”
“I’m so sorry. I just don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”
He nodded.
The sadness was a weight, it dragged me down fast onto the cold pavement below. I hope my last thought was of a caring friend who tried so hard to stop me.