New Years 2013
Yet another year has gone by, and I must say, not much has changed at all. I still feel like I'm the same person; growing as a person has kind of taken a halt for the past few years. Usually, when I sit down to write these "this was what my last year was like" posts, I feel inspired and ready to make some sort of change in my life. But, of course, this year I feel kind of numb to the fact that a whole year has gone by. My lack of inspiration should be concerning, but I find myself oddly apathetic to this whole thing. I'm not sure if I've become used to disappointment or if I just flat out don't see the point in trying anymore. I really do want to try and iron out some "resolutions" of sorts, though; nothing stupid like "I want to go the gym more" or "I want to quit smoking", because we all know these are the major resolutions that people make and fail dreadfully at.
I want to start thinking about being a better person, in general. I feel like I've been so bitter for such a long time that it's hard for me to see the good in people, or why I would want to try to spend time with people in a genuine way. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family but I've put up such a thick wall that it's so hard for me to truly be happy in the presence of others. I guess I just don't play well with other kids... for the most part. I've become so fucking cynical, all I ever see are flaws and all I ever feel toward people are negative emotions. Somewhere in the past two years, I've realized that a lot of people are just really shitty, for so many reasons. I've started scrutinizing people for little things that they say or do and jumping to conclusions: "she's a bad person!" or "he's not worth any of my time". I guess my point is, my first resolution is to try and see the good in people, take the time to spend with these people and to try and bring out these good qualities.
My second resolution is to find myself again. Along with the stress of my new "adult" life and the new anger I feel toward people in general, I've lost myself along the way. I've forgotten what it feels like to love others, and more importantly, I've forgotten what it feels like to love myself. I stopped really loving myself somewhere along the way, and I can't quite put my finger on where that was lost. I forgot what it feels like to be proud of myself or to be truly happy with me. I keep trying to fix my problems with temporary solutions. These quick-fixes keep me on a high for such a short amount of time and I crash (and I mean, really crash) because I suddenly remember that nothing is a simple fix, and that underneath what facade I put on, I am still unhappy. Depression is a funny thing, there is no fix for it... no magic pill that you can pop and every thing is suddenly okay again. I like to think that I'll some how fix everything but I keep crashing and I need to stop that. I think this resolution will the the most difficult, because I couldn't even imagine where I'd start. How does one suddenly learn to love themselves when they've hated themselves for so long?
I guess this leads me to my next resolution: I want to fall in love with music again. Music used to be the most therapeutic, relaxing thing for me; I used to feel so free and inspired when I would put on a good song. Music was such a large part of who I was, and I hope that if I find that again, maybe I'll find myself again, along with it.
I also want to purge myself of the negatives in my life. This ranges from people, relationships, media and the big one: my work place. I need to rid myself of any toxic environments that I force myself to be a part of. I need to leave this waitressing gig; it's consuming me. I need to figure out where I want to go this year, physically and mentally. I don't want to set up vague goals for myself like "this is the year I'll go back to school", or "This is the year I will travel". I need to figure out if I'm really ready to make changes and why. But first - happiness in where I'm at, right now.
Ultimately, I think my goal is just to be happier. Whether that means that I want to be genuinely kinder to people, or to quit my job, I think this can be achieved. I just need to figure out how and start taking steps in the right direction. As hopeful as I feel, I am forever plagued by thoughts of failure. Even as I write this, somewhere deep down, I'm setting up myself for failure. I need to stop doing that.
I'm going to stop making lists and goal charts, there's no point in any of that. I just want to be happy, I don't think it's possible to chart that out.
Anyway, this is what I'm currently listening to:
Also, here's a photo of me as a blonde:
I figure it'll never happen again, so I may as well put up some photographic evidence. Other than that, there aren't really any notable pictures that I want to post from 2012.
So Happy New Years to anyone that still lurks on LJ!
Hope everyone finds their happiness.
xx
I want to start thinking about being a better person, in general. I feel like I've been so bitter for such a long time that it's hard for me to see the good in people, or why I would want to try to spend time with people in a genuine way. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family but I've put up such a thick wall that it's so hard for me to truly be happy in the presence of others. I guess I just don't play well with other kids... for the most part. I've become so fucking cynical, all I ever see are flaws and all I ever feel toward people are negative emotions. Somewhere in the past two years, I've realized that a lot of people are just really shitty, for so many reasons. I've started scrutinizing people for little things that they say or do and jumping to conclusions: "she's a bad person!" or "he's not worth any of my time". I guess my point is, my first resolution is to try and see the good in people, take the time to spend with these people and to try and bring out these good qualities.
My second resolution is to find myself again. Along with the stress of my new "adult" life and the new anger I feel toward people in general, I've lost myself along the way. I've forgotten what it feels like to love others, and more importantly, I've forgotten what it feels like to love myself. I stopped really loving myself somewhere along the way, and I can't quite put my finger on where that was lost. I forgot what it feels like to be proud of myself or to be truly happy with me. I keep trying to fix my problems with temporary solutions. These quick-fixes keep me on a high for such a short amount of time and I crash (and I mean, really crash) because I suddenly remember that nothing is a simple fix, and that underneath what facade I put on, I am still unhappy. Depression is a funny thing, there is no fix for it... no magic pill that you can pop and every thing is suddenly okay again. I like to think that I'll some how fix everything but I keep crashing and I need to stop that. I think this resolution will the the most difficult, because I couldn't even imagine where I'd start. How does one suddenly learn to love themselves when they've hated themselves for so long?
I guess this leads me to my next resolution: I want to fall in love with music again. Music used to be the most therapeutic, relaxing thing for me; I used to feel so free and inspired when I would put on a good song. Music was such a large part of who I was, and I hope that if I find that again, maybe I'll find myself again, along with it.
I also want to purge myself of the negatives in my life. This ranges from people, relationships, media and the big one: my work place. I need to rid myself of any toxic environments that I force myself to be a part of. I need to leave this waitressing gig; it's consuming me. I need to figure out where I want to go this year, physically and mentally. I don't want to set up vague goals for myself like "this is the year I'll go back to school", or "This is the year I will travel". I need to figure out if I'm really ready to make changes and why. But first - happiness in where I'm at, right now.
Ultimately, I think my goal is just to be happier. Whether that means that I want to be genuinely kinder to people, or to quit my job, I think this can be achieved. I just need to figure out how and start taking steps in the right direction. As hopeful as I feel, I am forever plagued by thoughts of failure. Even as I write this, somewhere deep down, I'm setting up myself for failure. I need to stop doing that.
I'm going to stop making lists and goal charts, there's no point in any of that. I just want to be happy, I don't think it's possible to chart that out.
Anyway, this is what I'm currently listening to:
Click to viewAlso, here's a photo of me as a blonde:
I figure it'll never happen again, so I may as well put up some photographic evidence. Other than that, there aren't really any notable pictures that I want to post from 2012.
So Happy New Years to anyone that still lurks on LJ!
Hope everyone finds their happiness.
xx