"Now I feel alive, whenever you are near me"
I lost enough weight to reach my target, and then some and I'm continuing to lose it too. I'm making up for years of being out of shape and wasting time. I've signed pretty much all the paper work for the Navy. Some time after the 4th of July, I'll take a drug test, and then on either the 6th or 7th I'll go down to MEPS to take physical and the ASVAB and get sworn in. I feel like joining the Navy will prepare me to better serve God. I was also attracted by the training, the education, and the money. Its an organization that emphasizes honour, duty, and integrity. All qualities that are difficult to find in the civilian world. Its gotten to the point where I'm fed up with the terrible inefficiency and counter intuitiveness of the civilian world. Not that this doesn't happen in the Navy, believe me, I know several people who are in the Navy, but I feel like it is a better learning and working environment for me at this time in my life. The success and speed with which I have lost weight may be one implication suggesting that indeed this is what God wants me to do. Maybe, maybe not. It is impossible for me to know exactly what God wants, but in all my prayer and meditation, I have seen no reason why not to do this. Instead of asking what God can do for me, I am beginning to ask more and more what I can do for God.
In other news, things are going well. This relationship feels really healthy. Perhaps because God is the focal point instead of ourselves and each other. Those are important, but God always comes first. I'm committed to doing this the right way, the Godly way. I'm very happy with her. I feel very relaxed. I don't worry about things that aren't under my control. I don't worry about whether I might accidentally do something terrible. I feel very calm and relaxed about the whole thing. Very clear headed. God knows what I want, because he knows us all better than we know ourselves, but I know and have known from the beginning that this is up to God and not me. I am prepared to accept whatever plan is put into being and to do what is necessary to be a part of it. It all just feels right and healthy.
The nightmares and flashbacks I used to have are few and far between. I've dealt with them as they come and have tried not to involve anyone else in this battle. No sense in worrying others needlessly. I've had one in the last few months. The flashbacks are triggered by songs or by some phrases and take the form of overwhelming memories and sometimes physical sensations. I had one the other day and fortunately it was short in duration. But the wonderful positive things have a way of making me forget about the the terrible things that happened a long time ago. Such is the love and healing of Christ and the love and companionship of a wonderful woman. I write about this because I find it therapeutic to get these thoughts out rather than to hold them in and I find it easier to express in writing. Sometimes I can still hear that voice saying "I can make you ready" I can't change what happened, but I can learn from it and realize that I'm not alone in this and that my mistake, my susceptability to manipulation will not ever be repeated because Christ is within me and I am surrounded by people who respect me and my morales. So I guess this is a testimony on my part, I hope that anyone else who might happen upon it may glean something from the vagueness. May God shine on everyone.
amen
In other news, things are going well. This relationship feels really healthy. Perhaps because God is the focal point instead of ourselves and each other. Those are important, but God always comes first. I'm committed to doing this the right way, the Godly way. I'm very happy with her. I feel very relaxed. I don't worry about things that aren't under my control. I don't worry about whether I might accidentally do something terrible. I feel very calm and relaxed about the whole thing. Very clear headed. God knows what I want, because he knows us all better than we know ourselves, but I know and have known from the beginning that this is up to God and not me. I am prepared to accept whatever plan is put into being and to do what is necessary to be a part of it. It all just feels right and healthy.
The nightmares and flashbacks I used to have are few and far between. I've dealt with them as they come and have tried not to involve anyone else in this battle. No sense in worrying others needlessly. I've had one in the last few months. The flashbacks are triggered by songs or by some phrases and take the form of overwhelming memories and sometimes physical sensations. I had one the other day and fortunately it was short in duration. But the wonderful positive things have a way of making me forget about the the terrible things that happened a long time ago. Such is the love and healing of Christ and the love and companionship of a wonderful woman. I write about this because I find it therapeutic to get these thoughts out rather than to hold them in and I find it easier to express in writing. Sometimes I can still hear that voice saying "I can make you ready" I can't change what happened, but I can learn from it and realize that I'm not alone in this and that my mistake, my susceptability to manipulation will not ever be repeated because Christ is within me and I am surrounded by people who respect me and my morales. So I guess this is a testimony on my part, I hope that anyone else who might happen upon it may glean something from the vagueness. May God shine on everyone.
amen