It's tough...boy it is tough.
It sucks to be sober at this time of year. Drinking is so much a part of the Holidays, especially around my family. There are quite a few heavy drinkers in my family and close friends. They know that I'm off of that stuff, and they know I don't mind if they drink, but sometimes just seeing it, smelling it, is hard.
Last year, my first Holiday "on the wagon," was really hard. First, just the willpower thing was though. Just being able to tell myself, "No, you can't." Then the newness of it all for my family and friends was difficult. I loved the stutter-start conversations. "Hey, come on in! Can I get you a b--oh, right you can't. Um, sorry." Or, "What do you mean you're not drinking?" It was awkward and a bit funny, but sometimes painful. Still is.
At this time of year I feel the absence of the glass in my hand, you know? I miss having something to toast with. Toasting with Coke or water just doesn't seem as real. But, I know that is just silly. It makes no difference if your glass has champagne or sparkling apple juice. The thought is still there. But, there is still that impulse. That pull.
Admitting you are an alcoholic--telling yourself you can't drink anymore--just sounds so final. "I can't ever drink again." I used to say that to myself. "I can't ever drink again." Ever. It was a hard concept at first. It was like telling myself I would never have sex again. It was like telling myself I had lost some part of me. That was when I realized I really did have a real problem. I was putting so much weight on alcohol. I felt like nothing would ever be the same. Nothing would ever be like it should.
You have to have champagne at your wedding! You have to have wine with a great meal! You have to have a beer on the porch after a show! You have to. I had to. But, I never could again. Never. It was so, I don't know, there. So right there.
My therapist talked to me about that thought. That "never again" concept. It was daunting. But he said--he is an alcoholic too--he said, "You can't think of it that way. You shouldn't. All you have to promise yourself is that you won't drink today."
That was something I hadn't grasped from my EA meetings. They are different, I know, but the "one day at a time" concept is still ever present. I have always looked ahead, way ahead, that is part of my problem. I have always looked ahead to see if the road was heading where I wanted. I never lived for today. But, that is really all we can live for, today. What is the saying? "Live for today, for yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come." That's what I was having trouble with. In telling myself "never" I was looking too far ahead. I know that, yes, it is never, but really all I have to worry about today is today. That's it. Just worry about today. I will not drink today. Tomorrow, we'll see.
One day at a time is all it takes to make it a week or a month or a year. Just one day at a time. It's tough...boy it is tough. But, you can do anything for a day!
Thanks for letting me share.
Last year, my first Holiday "on the wagon," was really hard. First, just the willpower thing was though. Just being able to tell myself, "No, you can't." Then the newness of it all for my family and friends was difficult. I loved the stutter-start conversations. "Hey, come on in! Can I get you a b--oh, right you can't. Um, sorry." Or, "What do you mean you're not drinking?" It was awkward and a bit funny, but sometimes painful. Still is.
At this time of year I feel the absence of the glass in my hand, you know? I miss having something to toast with. Toasting with Coke or water just doesn't seem as real. But, I know that is just silly. It makes no difference if your glass has champagne or sparkling apple juice. The thought is still there. But, there is still that impulse. That pull.
Admitting you are an alcoholic--telling yourself you can't drink anymore--just sounds so final. "I can't ever drink again." I used to say that to myself. "I can't ever drink again." Ever. It was a hard concept at first. It was like telling myself I would never have sex again. It was like telling myself I had lost some part of me. That was when I realized I really did have a real problem. I was putting so much weight on alcohol. I felt like nothing would ever be the same. Nothing would ever be like it should.
You have to have champagne at your wedding! You have to have wine with a great meal! You have to have a beer on the porch after a show! You have to. I had to. But, I never could again. Never. It was so, I don't know, there. So right there.
My therapist talked to me about that thought. That "never again" concept. It was daunting. But he said--he is an alcoholic too--he said, "You can't think of it that way. You shouldn't. All you have to promise yourself is that you won't drink today."
That was something I hadn't grasped from my EA meetings. They are different, I know, but the "one day at a time" concept is still ever present. I have always looked ahead, way ahead, that is part of my problem. I have always looked ahead to see if the road was heading where I wanted. I never lived for today. But, that is really all we can live for, today. What is the saying? "Live for today, for yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come." That's what I was having trouble with. In telling myself "never" I was looking too far ahead. I know that, yes, it is never, but really all I have to worry about today is today. That's it. Just worry about today. I will not drink today. Tomorrow, we'll see.
One day at a time is all it takes to make it a week or a month or a year. Just one day at a time. It's tough...boy it is tough. But, you can do anything for a day!
Thanks for letting me share.