Some days.
I’m up at 5 am. Can’t sleep; didn’t take all of my night time meds because I took some hydrocodone instead. My back and wrist have been acting up again and I’ve been having MRIs to take a better look at them.
I don’t think I should be taking hydrocodone. Then again, I don’t think I should be taking any of the sedatives I’m on. I’m afraid that I may get hooked. You know? I already have to take more than I used to. I’m not up to more than is prescribed, but I’m not getting the same affect I used to, you know? And, sometimes, I really want that effect. I really want to sit on my couch for an hour, eyes glazed over, watching the screensaver on my computer. I want to feel loopy. I think this is a bad sign.
I’m also having those thoughts again. I had a really bad weekend last weekend (not the one we just had). I almost took a knife to my arm. I was so close. I don’t know what stopped me. It wasn’t a conscience thing, I don’t think. I just didn’t do it. Which, I take a as good sign. But, I haven’t had those thoughts in a while. I haven’t felt like the only way to break the cycle of these damned obsessive thoughts is to hurt myself. The only way to get rid of the frustration of the things I can’t control is to cause an injury, something I can focus on; something I can focus on both for the pain and the need to take care of it…bandage it, clean up the blood.
I know if I do it again though, it is three strikes and I’m out. I will be back in the hospital so fast and that might take me out of school. I can’t leave school. I’m just now getting motivated. I have ideas and am becoming passionate about what I do again. But, some days, I just feel like it’s not worth it. Some days I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore.
But that’s just some days.
I don’t think I should be taking hydrocodone. Then again, I don’t think I should be taking any of the sedatives I’m on. I’m afraid that I may get hooked. You know? I already have to take more than I used to. I’m not up to more than is prescribed, but I’m not getting the same affect I used to, you know? And, sometimes, I really want that effect. I really want to sit on my couch for an hour, eyes glazed over, watching the screensaver on my computer. I want to feel loopy. I think this is a bad sign.
I’m also having those thoughts again. I had a really bad weekend last weekend (not the one we just had). I almost took a knife to my arm. I was so close. I don’t know what stopped me. It wasn’t a conscience thing, I don’t think. I just didn’t do it. Which, I take a as good sign. But, I haven’t had those thoughts in a while. I haven’t felt like the only way to break the cycle of these damned obsessive thoughts is to hurt myself. The only way to get rid of the frustration of the things I can’t control is to cause an injury, something I can focus on; something I can focus on both for the pain and the need to take care of it…bandage it, clean up the blood.
I know if I do it again though, it is three strikes and I’m out. I will be back in the hospital so fast and that might take me out of school. I can’t leave school. I’m just now getting motivated. I have ideas and am becoming passionate about what I do again. But, some days, I just feel like it’s not worth it. Some days I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore.
But that’s just some days.