L o v e .
I dunno I've been thinking . . . I really want to become serious in the industry of underground modeling but I find it difficult to make a real effort towards my goal to become successful in the industry. I keep thinking about Giz . . that's what I always think about. I know if I do enter it head on he won't be there anymore. It hurts me so much that i wno't recieve any support from him. He is the love of my life my first love and I won't have him by my side in the efforts of accomplishing my dreams. See if I were to hear this from a friend I'd then tell her :
" If he loved you then he would be there for you because in order to love you he needs to support you in everything even in things he may not agree on. And if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be."
I live in denial . . I don't want to believe those words. Not in my case. . I dismiss them. I can't even create a fantasy world in my head where he will be there for me. Males point blank wouldn't want other men gawking at the woman that they love. I don't see it as pornography or smut I see it as Art. But of course a male can't get past the nudity aspect of the projects. Naked Woman equals Porn. He gets grumpy and irritated when my top is too low or my skirt is too high. He was so angry once that he left from my house real early even though I was very ill. I of course upset . . I explained to him how I wish he would've taken care of me the way I do when he's ill. Then he blurted that he was mad at the outfit that I was wearing so he couldn't stay any longer.
g0d I don't want to lose him. I love him so much but I need to do this for me. I can't limit myself because of someone else's insecurities. I'm 18 going on 19 . . I feel I'm starting too late. I don't want any other person . . I love him. I'm in love with him. I love the way he lruns to hug me and laugh when I fumble or trip. The way he does his little booty dance when he knows I'm watching him . . the way I fit in his arms . . . his special omelets . . his requests for swamp soup. . his zombie talk in the morning. . everything. I feel I need this. I know I need this. . . but I know he'll be gone and it hurts so fucking much. . thinkin about it makes me cry. Sometimes I think well maybe I don't have to do this. . .but I can't . . I shouldn't feel this way. He should support me he needs to. I shouldn't have give this up. . it's important to me. I don't want him to think it's more important than him but I think that's what he thinks. It's two different loves that you cannot compare. Two very different but equally important to me.
This is so hard.
" If he loved you then he would be there for you because in order to love you he needs to support you in everything even in things he may not agree on. And if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be."
I live in denial . . I don't want to believe those words. Not in my case. . I dismiss them. I can't even create a fantasy world in my head where he will be there for me. Males point blank wouldn't want other men gawking at the woman that they love. I don't see it as pornography or smut I see it as Art. But of course a male can't get past the nudity aspect of the projects. Naked Woman equals Porn. He gets grumpy and irritated when my top is too low or my skirt is too high. He was so angry once that he left from my house real early even though I was very ill. I of course upset . . I explained to him how I wish he would've taken care of me the way I do when he's ill. Then he blurted that he was mad at the outfit that I was wearing so he couldn't stay any longer.
g0d I don't want to lose him. I love him so much but I need to do this for me. I can't limit myself because of someone else's insecurities. I'm 18 going on 19 . . I feel I'm starting too late. I don't want any other person . . I love him. I'm in love with him. I love the way he lruns to hug me and laugh when I fumble or trip. The way he does his little booty dance when he knows I'm watching him . . the way I fit in his arms . . . his special omelets . . his requests for swamp soup. . his zombie talk in the morning. . everything. I feel I need this. I know I need this. . . but I know he'll be gone and it hurts so fucking much. . thinkin about it makes me cry. Sometimes I think well maybe I don't have to do this. . .but I can't . . I shouldn't feel this way. He should support me he needs to. I shouldn't have give this up. . it's important to me. I don't want him to think it's more important than him but I think that's what he thinks. It's two different loves that you cannot compare. Two very different but equally important to me.
This is so hard.