(no subject)
It’s time I left. Past time. I shouldn’t have come back. I shouldn’t have even started on this foolish enterprise. What did I think I’d gain? A month or two of amusement before trying my hand at toppling a country? The discipline required to earn a prey’s trust completely before betrayal? I should’ve left when I began to suspect I wouldn’t skewer Helm on his own sword if given the opportunity.
I knew what I was before this. There is something noble and straightforward about acting on the most basic human impulses, unashamed and unhindered by moral and convention. There is something proud in being strong enough in body and spirit to be able to do what I wished as it pleased me. But now to find that I may have some remnants of an active conscience makes me hideous. Suddenly I’m prey to the same hypocrisy, the same weakness I’ve despised in others. How can I avoid despising myself?
*sits on the bed and stares unhappily out the window*
I should leave. But I don’t want to. I want him. Leaving would be an act of mercy, something smacking of pious denial or fear. It would be a retreat. If I stay I’m in equal danger of abandoning my plans for him…or perhaps worse…success. I’m trapped.
I knew what I was before this. There is something noble and straightforward about acting on the most basic human impulses, unashamed and unhindered by moral and convention. There is something proud in being strong enough in body and spirit to be able to do what I wished as it pleased me. But now to find that I may have some remnants of an active conscience makes me hideous. Suddenly I’m prey to the same hypocrisy, the same weakness I’ve despised in others. How can I avoid despising myself?
*sits on the bed and stares unhappily out the window*
I should leave. But I don’t want to. I want him. Leaving would be an act of mercy, something smacking of pious denial or fear. It would be a retreat. If I stay I’m in equal danger of abandoning my plans for him…or perhaps worse…success. I’m trapped.