"and you're already bored"
i feel like i haven't said or done anything useful in a while. i feel like i haven't done anything worth doing in a while yet i've done quite a bit. i don't want vacation to end. it's been draining yet enjoyable. i wish i could do something like skate or sing or play an insturment. if i'm not talking or hanging out with someone one on one, i feel hollow. like i'm there for the normalcy of it all. i feel like i'm that other option in case a second opinion is needed. i miss the time when none of this mattered to me. but i get the feeling that it always has.
i'm severly neurotic compared to my friends. i hold them back when they want to have fun. i spent two days with brendon and dan and the whole time i felt like 'mom'. i hate that. i'm 16 going on fucking 40. i hate being mom. someone else can fucking do it. but no one will. because they all know what i'm like. no one wants to be me. if there's ever the chance, i'm going to be the first person to get as far away from myself as possible.
i can't kill myself. mini would be pissed and i don't want to deal with that. i promised sean and brendon i wouldn't try again. i would miss ashley and kariann too much. i don't see josh anymore so i doubt he'd notice. my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends or friends from other towns. i'm confined to this rural, hick of a tri-town prison. i want out more than anything.
i've come to the realization that finding someone would be a miracle. and it hurts when everyone keeps telling me "you'll find someone" but i keep telling myself "nobody cares enough" and then i turn into this little emo fuck and listen to bright eyes for hours on end.
i'm sick. so violently ill that i don't feel the vomit at the back of my throat anymore. the tears are just beads of sweat. this headache is simply the fever, not the lack of sleep. it's the chills that make me shake, not this eternal cold that radiates through my insides. the wretching on the bathroom floor is the sickness, not the devastating notion that i'll be alone forever. i'm just ill, that's all.
i'm severly neurotic compared to my friends. i hold them back when they want to have fun. i spent two days with brendon and dan and the whole time i felt like 'mom'. i hate that. i'm 16 going on fucking 40. i hate being mom. someone else can fucking do it. but no one will. because they all know what i'm like. no one wants to be me. if there's ever the chance, i'm going to be the first person to get as far away from myself as possible.
i can't kill myself. mini would be pissed and i don't want to deal with that. i promised sean and brendon i wouldn't try again. i would miss ashley and kariann too much. i don't see josh anymore so i doubt he'd notice. my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends or friends from other towns. i'm confined to this rural, hick of a tri-town prison. i want out more than anything.
i've come to the realization that finding someone would be a miracle. and it hurts when everyone keeps telling me "you'll find someone" but i keep telling myself "nobody cares enough" and then i turn into this little emo fuck and listen to bright eyes for hours on end.
i'm sick. so violently ill that i don't feel the vomit at the back of my throat anymore. the tears are just beads of sweat. this headache is simply the fever, not the lack of sleep. it's the chills that make me shake, not this eternal cold that radiates through my insides. the wretching on the bathroom floor is the sickness, not the devastating notion that i'll be alone forever. i'm just ill, that's all.