(no subject)
The beginning of 2007 found me in a bit of a rut. Relations with my family were rough and on a need to know basis. They would not forgive me for the financially perilous decision of joining AmeriCorps until later that year and then it would become a great source of pride. I had checked myself in for therapy as I felt listless and confused about my future and had yet to make the connections between what living in a dark and dirty basement and not working out effected my wellbeing. The second week of January closed with a hasty unorganized move. My mother and then boyfriend had social engagements and it really hurt when they weren’t willing to help me out, or visit once all was said and done. Thankfully, Jesse, David, my Step-Mom and two youngest were willing to help. The madhouse offered warm roommates, two dogs, and a main coon that would steal my heart. The consistent light, clean grounds and more life made a great improvement on my mood. That next week I would witness Alex’s facial expressions as he realized he wasn’t in the right emotional place to be in a relationship with me and I would take my first trapeze class. Being physically present for Alex’s realization was a harrowing experience. I felt my heart split as one side ran towards a boy in pain. I wanted to console Alex because it explained so much of his absenteeism but I also had to deal with the end that I had always known was coming. Despite the morning process that had already begun, I knew right away that I was better off. Talk about mixed up. I began to burry myself in my work, telling myself that my students needed me more than I needed myself.
That next week, I received a random call from an old high school friend. As it turned out, an old friend from high school had overdosed. His funeral was the same day as the first annual Bemis st. cd exchange, so I would be in town. No good excuse and it was clear that Aaron needed me to be there for him, I had no way of running from it. That funeral was like a high school reunion that never should have happened. Aaron and I sat in the last pew, which allowed me to scan all the faces of those around me. Focusing on how familiar faces had changed allowed me a little escape from Marx’s open casket. I couldn’t handle the color his skin had taken on and when I looked at his body for any length or time I was convinced I could see him breathing. It all felt like a joke. I was waiting for everyone to turn around and start laughing at me for believing them. When the funeral broke off it was time to play catch up and it was fun to laugh about who with and how people had come along in the last five years. High on nostalgia a bunch of us went out for pizza but the glow didn’t last. I couldn’t eat and it was clear that I was crashing. So, I headed over to Amanda’s house. I arrived at Amanda’s puffy and buzzing. I stood around standing, then shifting feet, then walking from room to room aimlessly. Eventually, Amanda told me to sit down and I concentrated on the cats. As people started to arrive and I was able to cool down. The party was a welcomed vacation. Amanda and AC passed out soon after the party ended and I found myself lying in bed, wide awake. I went downstairs to get a cup of water and found that Parker’s light was on. I poked my head in to say hello and he invited me in.
Over the next few hours I got to know Parker. Once things were comfortable we both admitted to being recently single and dealing with all of that crap. Conversation was intimate and I started to relax. It felt good to feel safe. It had been coming to light that the people I was spending my time with had ulterior motives for my company and it had ruined my sense of security for the last few weeks. Conversation was candid and we both admitted to feeling foolish in many of our post breakup moments. It felt really great to be connecting with someone. It felt pure, up until the moment that Parker pounced. Making out anestisized the events of the day and the last few weeks, but it couldn’t hide the feeling that I was being taken advantage of. I awkwardly escaped the situation and ran upstairs to break down. In the morning AC pulled me aside to talk to me. I thought I was going to get a lecture about my philandery. The conversation that took place was one of those conversations that still kicks my ass. It was one of those moments where I heard exactly what I needed to hear when and from someone that I would have never expected. In that moment, AC hit on something deeply rooted within me, something I was completely unaware of. He told me that I didn’t do anything wrong in caring about Alex. I had made a promise to open up to him and it wasn’t my fault he chose not to meet me there. That still gets to me. I am open and honest about my feelings. My emotions are very accessible. This is something that had never been treated in a positive light. It’s the reason I prefer to say that I am observant rather than sensitive. After the talk, we all had breakfast and I drove back to Boulder.
A few weeks later I wore up with a Death Cab for Cutie in my head. I am not a big fan of “I Will Follow You into the Dark”, so having it stuck in my head was kinda odd and then I realized my phone was ringing. It was too early for any of my friends to be calling and that realization freaked me out. I jumped out of bed to discover that it was just Phil calling. Annoyed at my own reaction, I didn’t pick up the phone and flopped back into bed. Later, I listened to the message. Phil sounded serious so I called right back. Phil sounded a mess. I knew what was up when Phil demanded that I sit down, I just didn’t know who. I assumed one of the guys had done something stupid. When he said Abi I was completely blindsided. I called Jeff and told him to call Phil and then I called Alex. He was sympathetic but cold and it hurt that I didn’t expect any different, but still called him first. My boss Elyana, was worried about me but I refused to take any time off. Two of the girls caught me crying on the bus one night after work. I took a half day for the funeral and met the guys at I Hop. It was good to have most of the gang back together. The funeral was rough. It was a service which made me feel agitated rather than consoled. There was little room for emotional expression or talk about who Abi is. As much distress as the open casket had been during Marx’s funeral, Abi was being cremated and the complete lack of her presence, there weren’t even pictures, made things far more difficult. Death had been enough of a shock but without any tangible fact of her existence, it was like she had disappeared completely. With everything that had happened, and with the people around me either dieing or trying to have sex with me, I started to retreat into myself and started cutting a lot of my personal ties.
That next week, I received a random call from an old high school friend. As it turned out, an old friend from high school had overdosed. His funeral was the same day as the first annual Bemis st. cd exchange, so I would be in town. No good excuse and it was clear that Aaron needed me to be there for him, I had no way of running from it. That funeral was like a high school reunion that never should have happened. Aaron and I sat in the last pew, which allowed me to scan all the faces of those around me. Focusing on how familiar faces had changed allowed me a little escape from Marx’s open casket. I couldn’t handle the color his skin had taken on and when I looked at his body for any length or time I was convinced I could see him breathing. It all felt like a joke. I was waiting for everyone to turn around and start laughing at me for believing them. When the funeral broke off it was time to play catch up and it was fun to laugh about who with and how people had come along in the last five years. High on nostalgia a bunch of us went out for pizza but the glow didn’t last. I couldn’t eat and it was clear that I was crashing. So, I headed over to Amanda’s house. I arrived at Amanda’s puffy and buzzing. I stood around standing, then shifting feet, then walking from room to room aimlessly. Eventually, Amanda told me to sit down and I concentrated on the cats. As people started to arrive and I was able to cool down. The party was a welcomed vacation. Amanda and AC passed out soon after the party ended and I found myself lying in bed, wide awake. I went downstairs to get a cup of water and found that Parker’s light was on. I poked my head in to say hello and he invited me in.
Over the next few hours I got to know Parker. Once things were comfortable we both admitted to being recently single and dealing with all of that crap. Conversation was intimate and I started to relax. It felt good to feel safe. It had been coming to light that the people I was spending my time with had ulterior motives for my company and it had ruined my sense of security for the last few weeks. Conversation was candid and we both admitted to feeling foolish in many of our post breakup moments. It felt really great to be connecting with someone. It felt pure, up until the moment that Parker pounced. Making out anestisized the events of the day and the last few weeks, but it couldn’t hide the feeling that I was being taken advantage of. I awkwardly escaped the situation and ran upstairs to break down. In the morning AC pulled me aside to talk to me. I thought I was going to get a lecture about my philandery. The conversation that took place was one of those conversations that still kicks my ass. It was one of those moments where I heard exactly what I needed to hear when and from someone that I would have never expected. In that moment, AC hit on something deeply rooted within me, something I was completely unaware of. He told me that I didn’t do anything wrong in caring about Alex. I had made a promise to open up to him and it wasn’t my fault he chose not to meet me there. That still gets to me. I am open and honest about my feelings. My emotions are very accessible. This is something that had never been treated in a positive light. It’s the reason I prefer to say that I am observant rather than sensitive. After the talk, we all had breakfast and I drove back to Boulder.
A few weeks later I wore up with a Death Cab for Cutie in my head. I am not a big fan of “I Will Follow You into the Dark”, so having it stuck in my head was kinda odd and then I realized my phone was ringing. It was too early for any of my friends to be calling and that realization freaked me out. I jumped out of bed to discover that it was just Phil calling. Annoyed at my own reaction, I didn’t pick up the phone and flopped back into bed. Later, I listened to the message. Phil sounded serious so I called right back. Phil sounded a mess. I knew what was up when Phil demanded that I sit down, I just didn’t know who. I assumed one of the guys had done something stupid. When he said Abi I was completely blindsided. I called Jeff and told him to call Phil and then I called Alex. He was sympathetic but cold and it hurt that I didn’t expect any different, but still called him first. My boss Elyana, was worried about me but I refused to take any time off. Two of the girls caught me crying on the bus one night after work. I took a half day for the funeral and met the guys at I Hop. It was good to have most of the gang back together. The funeral was rough. It was a service which made me feel agitated rather than consoled. There was little room for emotional expression or talk about who Abi is. As much distress as the open casket had been during Marx’s funeral, Abi was being cremated and the complete lack of her presence, there weren’t even pictures, made things far more difficult. Death had been enough of a shock but without any tangible fact of her existence, it was like she had disappeared completely. With everything that had happened, and with the people around me either dieing or trying to have sex with me, I started to retreat into myself and started cutting a lot of my personal ties.