|I| A N, M.D.
I suppose I've had an eventful weekend, even though I didn't do much of anything.
It started off with me (FINALLY) getting a call back from my doctor about my MRI results. Turns out (here comes the science) I have a torn medial meniscul ligament on my left knee. As you will see, should you follow that wikipedia link, this has a 2 in 3 chance of really sucking quite badly. Regardless, my doctor is referring me to see an orthopedic surgeon to consult directly on matters of surgery and/or rehab. My doctor left me with the impression that she didn't think I needed surgery, but that could have just been her way of breaking it to me gently; so gently, in fact, that I didn't even know she'd just broke it. We'll see when I get a personal doc instead of a UNT rent-a-MD.
I think I took the whole idea reasonably well, even though I was pretty scared and a little numb right after the call. As I was walking (limping, hobbling, wobbling) to my car afterwards, I just kept telling myself that I wasn't going to let it beat me, that I could lose my leg and I would still adapt, that I wouldn't break down, that I wouldn't be weak, that I wasn't going to let it beat me, etc. etc. repeat. Just saying it over and over again until it didn't scare me anymore.
Meditating and sleeping since the call, though, have been next to impossible. I seem to have no problem ignoring it in the daytime, when I can laugh and read and watch tv and play with the kitten, but at night, or when I'm trying to quiet and focus my mind, that's when the demons really come out for a skullfucking. I woke up the other day with a searing pain in my knee: my conscious brain told me it was because the ligament was torn, but my unconscious brain knew it was from the scalpel cutting into the meat just before I bolted out of the dream. That's only been the one time, though, so I'm just thinking of it as some color to remember this experience by. We'll see if it comes back.
In lighter news, I watched the HOUSE marathon for 10 hours today on USA, and I still love that show. And you know what? If I get my knee completely torn out, and they say I'm going to need a crutch to get around, you know what? FUCK the crutch, I'm getting a freakin CANE!
While watching House and googling idly on my laptop, I discovered that House uses a classic Derby style, as seen
there. And not to, you know, be a complete geek, I've got to admit that it has a definite style about it, and that I would certainly lean towards getting that type. Now, I'm not saying it would be cool to have a gimpy leg or anything, but hey, if I have limited mobility during healing, I'm gonna look PIMP doing it! And think of how popular I'd be at parties! As House says, "Girls LOVE this thing. It's better than a puppy!"
I'm also proud pleased going to add that I have forsaken all pain meds, at least for the time being. This is pretty much for the same reason that I don't smoke and don't drink very much - my feelings on it extend to pain management. I just don't want to be altered: real life is so interesting I don't want to dull it. The moment the pain starts screwing with my sleep, though, I'll probably reconsider, but for the moment I'm just going to use mind-over-matter. Does this make me dumb? Macho? Bull-headed? Probably. Still don't care enough to change my mind, though.
EDIT: I just rememberd that Nalleli made a comment about me turning in House when this whole thing first started. Well played, girl, well played.
It started off with me (FINALLY) getting a call back from my doctor about my MRI results. Turns out (here comes the science) I have a torn medial meniscul ligament on my left knee. As you will see, should you follow that wikipedia link, this has a 2 in 3 chance of really sucking quite badly. Regardless, my doctor is referring me to see an orthopedic surgeon to consult directly on matters of surgery and/or rehab. My doctor left me with the impression that she didn't think I needed surgery, but that could have just been her way of breaking it to me gently; so gently, in fact, that I didn't even know she'd just broke it. We'll see when I get a personal doc instead of a UNT rent-a-MD.
I think I took the whole idea reasonably well, even though I was pretty scared and a little numb right after the call. As I was walking (limping, hobbling, wobbling) to my car afterwards, I just kept telling myself that I wasn't going to let it beat me, that I could lose my leg and I would still adapt, that I wouldn't break down, that I wouldn't be weak, that I wasn't going to let it beat me, etc. etc. repeat. Just saying it over and over again until it didn't scare me anymore.
Meditating and sleeping since the call, though, have been next to impossible. I seem to have no problem ignoring it in the daytime, when I can laugh and read and watch tv and play with the kitten, but at night, or when I'm trying to quiet and focus my mind, that's when the demons really come out for a skullfucking. I woke up the other day with a searing pain in my knee: my conscious brain told me it was because the ligament was torn, but my unconscious brain knew it was from the scalpel cutting into the meat just before I bolted out of the dream. That's only been the one time, though, so I'm just thinking of it as some color to remember this experience by. We'll see if it comes back.
In lighter news, I watched the HOUSE marathon for 10 hours today on USA, and I still love that show. And you know what? If I get my knee completely torn out, and they say I'm going to need a crutch to get around, you know what? FUCK the crutch, I'm getting a freakin CANE!
While watching House and googling idly on my laptop, I discovered that House uses a classic Derby style, as seen
there. And not to, you know, be a complete geek, I've got to admit that it has a definite style about it, and that I would certainly lean towards getting that type. Now, I'm not saying it would be cool to have a gimpy leg or anything, but hey, if I have limited mobility during healing, I'm gonna look PIMP doing it! And think of how popular I'd be at parties! As House says, "Girls LOVE this thing. It's better than a puppy!"
I'm also proud pleased going to add that I have forsaken all pain meds, at least for the time being. This is pretty much for the same reason that I don't smoke and don't drink very much - my feelings on it extend to pain management. I just don't want to be altered: real life is so interesting I don't want to dull it. The moment the pain starts screwing with my sleep, though, I'll probably reconsider, but for the moment I'm just going to use mind-over-matter. Does this make me dumb? Macho? Bull-headed? Probably. Still don't care enough to change my mind, though.
EDIT: I just rememberd that Nalleli made a comment about me turning in House when this whole thing first started. Well played, girl, well played.