An Open Letter to my Dog
Dear Fox,
What is with your inability to let me go to the bathroom by myself? I am 25 years old, and by all pet-human relationshipal conventions, your "Mommy". You do not need to sniff me. My scent hasn't changed since the last time you forced your way in to the bathroom and struck your VERY COLD NOSE in my private spaces. Are you really all that concerned with why I am in the bathroom alone? Is this payback possibly because when you do your doggie business I have to stand there and hold the leash? Trust me, I don't enjoy that part of it any more than you do. Rest assured, if not for state and local laws, and the fact that I don't think you'll come back on your own if I let you out to run, I would just open the door, let you mark your territory, and then let you back in.
Also, on the note of the leash thing, might I ask you to PLEASE stop trying to yank my arm out of the socket everytime we leave the house? I'd really appreciate it if you could try to remember that you have four legs, and I'm just the clumsy primate who only uses two of her four gifted legs. I know you want to go to your favorite pee spot. I know you want to go find the business cards left behind by the other dogs who live here, the ones you bark at incessently from the spare room, trying to assert your dominance from the futon infront of the window in there. They aren't intimidated by you, by the way, to be perfectly honest. They think you are a fool and all laugh at you during their weekly poker games. Sorry to be harsh, but the truth hurts, Fox.
Stop sharing bathroom time with me, stop barking continuously at any other dog, and please, please try to recall that I only use two legs. One more thing... if it's not too much trouble, could you rememeber that I'm the master here? I'd like that a lot.
Thank you, Doggie...
-Mommy
What is with your inability to let me go to the bathroom by myself? I am 25 years old, and by all pet-human relationshipal conventions, your "Mommy". You do not need to sniff me. My scent hasn't changed since the last time you forced your way in to the bathroom and struck your VERY COLD NOSE in my private spaces. Are you really all that concerned with why I am in the bathroom alone? Is this payback possibly because when you do your doggie business I have to stand there and hold the leash? Trust me, I don't enjoy that part of it any more than you do. Rest assured, if not for state and local laws, and the fact that I don't think you'll come back on your own if I let you out to run, I would just open the door, let you mark your territory, and then let you back in.
Also, on the note of the leash thing, might I ask you to PLEASE stop trying to yank my arm out of the socket everytime we leave the house? I'd really appreciate it if you could try to remember that you have four legs, and I'm just the clumsy primate who only uses two of her four gifted legs. I know you want to go to your favorite pee spot. I know you want to go find the business cards left behind by the other dogs who live here, the ones you bark at incessently from the spare room, trying to assert your dominance from the futon infront of the window in there. They aren't intimidated by you, by the way, to be perfectly honest. They think you are a fool and all laugh at you during their weekly poker games. Sorry to be harsh, but the truth hurts, Fox.
Stop sharing bathroom time with me, stop barking continuously at any other dog, and please, please try to recall that I only use two legs. One more thing... if it's not too much trouble, could you rememeber that I'm the master here? I'd like that a lot.
Thank you, Doggie...
-Mommy