Old High School Stuff (Xposted to MS, and Xanga)
"When I woke up this mornin', you were on my mind. You were on my mind. I got troubles, oo-oh-a, I got worries, oo-oh-a, I got wounds to bind..."
Once upon a time, I was in a horrible place known as High School. It was a barren wasteland with few friendship oasises in sight. I tried to fit in for 10 or 11 years of school and then just finally gave up on having friends, have a boyfriend, or anything like that. I redirected most of my energy to leadership, music, and theatre based activities, figuring when I got to college, I'd have a chance at all the things I didn't socially have a chance at in high school. (I was right, by the way. College was a utopian paradise comparatively.) We were all "friends" of course, but not really the kind of real friends, in the sense that I rarely got invited out, talked to in public, or had people be super nice to me when they didn't need help with homework. There were a few expceptions to the rule, of course, but for the most part, I was pretty lonely.
When I was very young, about two years old, there was a boy who was a year and a half older than me at my babysitters. I became infatuated with him. Yes, at two. I was a slut at two. It's so sad. He was the first boy I ever lovie-lusted after. I can't just stay lusted, because I don't think it was just lust after a point, though it may have been the IDEA of dating him that I was more interested in, rather than him. Of that I'm not yet sure.
Anyway, as he and grew older, he became one of those quietly funny, very smart geek types. I would have done anything for him by the time we got to high school. I still, to this day, think that most of the guys I pick to date somehow go back to him in personality traits. My sophomore year, I asked him to the homecoming dance and he said Yes. Then, the next day, he said he couldn't and gave me a crappy excuse. When I pressed about the excuse, which I could see through like saran wrap, he confessed that he wouldn't take me because his friends were making fun of him and he didn't want to be outcast. I was a paraih, so I could understand and empathize very well. It broke my little 15 year old heart, but I told him I understood and he should just ask someone else. I went to the dance, for about an hour, alone, in the same fashion that I went to most of the dances as a freshman and sophomore.
I wasn't exactly subtle about my feelings for him either, so much so to the fact that when my lunchtime friend, Lacie began dating him when we were Juniors, she didn't tell me because she thought it would upset me or something like that. It didn't really. He dated a lot of people who weren't me. I was kind of happy for her actually. At least with her dating him, I got to find out things that I wondered about, like if he was a good kisser (duh, of course), if he was fast moving (he's 17, of course he's fast moving), and if he was good in bed (and, between the combinations of good kissing and fast moving, it wasn't too long before she could tell me that, too.).
Fast forward about 5 or 6 years... my friend (mostly just at home though, I still wasn't acceptable at school) Julie K.'s wedding. He was a groomsmen. I had just gotten married as well, to Jeff, and she invited me. So we drove to Phillipsburg, the first time I'd been back there since my parents moved after I graduated, and attened the wedding. At the reception, it's customary out there that there are always dances, and Julie's wedding was no exception. He asked me to dance with him. Of course, I obliged, and as we were dancing, he told me he was sorry for what he did to me in high school, and that he asked me to dance because he thought he owed me one. I couldn't believe it. It was one of those scenes that you see played out in TV or movies, but you never really expect to happen because real people, well they just don't do that kind of thing. He did.
I woke up three times this morning with this guy on my mind. I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but I know I'm thinking about him and I wonder if his thoughts ever come back to me. I'm long since out of that lovie-lusty feeling range for him. I guess I'll always have that "first love" spot in my heart for him. I respect him so much for telling me he was sorry. That took a lot of character. I still think the world of this guy, and I kind of wish he knew it.
Obviously, I know that our paths aren't going to intertwine anymore, and I'm really okay with that, I just kind of want to know why the hell he's on my mind right now. I'm a good place in my life. I'm happy, healthier than I've been in years, I'm in love, and I have someone who loves me, finanacially, we're doing pretty darned good, and I love it here in Seattle. So why the ghost from the past? What purpose does it serve? I guess we're supposed to remember the past, but this piece of my past doesn't seem relavant to anything that's going on in my life right now. The only thing I can think is that seeing pictures of people from high school on this thing made me think of him.
Well, wherever he is now, I hope his life is grand, and I wish the best for him. For everyone, actually. For people who weren't really my friends until the last semester of high school, or for people who never really liked me enough to call me a friend behind my back ( usually, I got called a lot of other things.) I still wish them all the best. I think Justin did something for me at Julie's wedding that I never really realized. I'm sure HE never intended to or realized what he'd done either. When he apologized to me, it was very much symbolic of everyone apologizing to me for treating me like something smelly that got stuck to the bottom of their shoe. Over time, that one apology has eroded away my mountain of bitterness that shadowed over everyone I went to school with. I think it makes me feel good to realize that.
Once upon a time, I was in a horrible place known as High School. It was a barren wasteland with few friendship oasises in sight. I tried to fit in for 10 or 11 years of school and then just finally gave up on having friends, have a boyfriend, or anything like that. I redirected most of my energy to leadership, music, and theatre based activities, figuring when I got to college, I'd have a chance at all the things I didn't socially have a chance at in high school. (I was right, by the way. College was a utopian paradise comparatively.) We were all "friends" of course, but not really the kind of real friends, in the sense that I rarely got invited out, talked to in public, or had people be super nice to me when they didn't need help with homework. There were a few expceptions to the rule, of course, but for the most part, I was pretty lonely.
When I was very young, about two years old, there was a boy who was a year and a half older than me at my babysitters. I became infatuated with him. Yes, at two. I was a slut at two. It's so sad. He was the first boy I ever lovie-lusted after. I can't just stay lusted, because I don't think it was just lust after a point, though it may have been the IDEA of dating him that I was more interested in, rather than him. Of that I'm not yet sure.
Anyway, as he and grew older, he became one of those quietly funny, very smart geek types. I would have done anything for him by the time we got to high school. I still, to this day, think that most of the guys I pick to date somehow go back to him in personality traits. My sophomore year, I asked him to the homecoming dance and he said Yes. Then, the next day, he said he couldn't and gave me a crappy excuse. When I pressed about the excuse, which I could see through like saran wrap, he confessed that he wouldn't take me because his friends were making fun of him and he didn't want to be outcast. I was a paraih, so I could understand and empathize very well. It broke my little 15 year old heart, but I told him I understood and he should just ask someone else. I went to the dance, for about an hour, alone, in the same fashion that I went to most of the dances as a freshman and sophomore.
I wasn't exactly subtle about my feelings for him either, so much so to the fact that when my lunchtime friend, Lacie began dating him when we were Juniors, she didn't tell me because she thought it would upset me or something like that. It didn't really. He dated a lot of people who weren't me. I was kind of happy for her actually. At least with her dating him, I got to find out things that I wondered about, like if he was a good kisser (duh, of course), if he was fast moving (he's 17, of course he's fast moving), and if he was good in bed (and, between the combinations of good kissing and fast moving, it wasn't too long before she could tell me that, too.).
Fast forward about 5 or 6 years... my friend (mostly just at home though, I still wasn't acceptable at school) Julie K.'s wedding. He was a groomsmen. I had just gotten married as well, to Jeff, and she invited me. So we drove to Phillipsburg, the first time I'd been back there since my parents moved after I graduated, and attened the wedding. At the reception, it's customary out there that there are always dances, and Julie's wedding was no exception. He asked me to dance with him. Of course, I obliged, and as we were dancing, he told me he was sorry for what he did to me in high school, and that he asked me to dance because he thought he owed me one. I couldn't believe it. It was one of those scenes that you see played out in TV or movies, but you never really expect to happen because real people, well they just don't do that kind of thing. He did.
I woke up three times this morning with this guy on my mind. I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but I know I'm thinking about him and I wonder if his thoughts ever come back to me. I'm long since out of that lovie-lusty feeling range for him. I guess I'll always have that "first love" spot in my heart for him. I respect him so much for telling me he was sorry. That took a lot of character. I still think the world of this guy, and I kind of wish he knew it.
Obviously, I know that our paths aren't going to intertwine anymore, and I'm really okay with that, I just kind of want to know why the hell he's on my mind right now. I'm a good place in my life. I'm happy, healthier than I've been in years, I'm in love, and I have someone who loves me, finanacially, we're doing pretty darned good, and I love it here in Seattle. So why the ghost from the past? What purpose does it serve? I guess we're supposed to remember the past, but this piece of my past doesn't seem relavant to anything that's going on in my life right now. The only thing I can think is that seeing pictures of people from high school on this thing made me think of him.
Well, wherever he is now, I hope his life is grand, and I wish the best for him. For everyone, actually. For people who weren't really my friends until the last semester of high school, or for people who never really liked me enough to call me a friend behind my back ( usually, I got called a lot of other things.) I still wish them all the best. I think Justin did something for me at Julie's wedding that I never really realized. I'm sure HE never intended to or realized what he'd done either. When he apologized to me, it was very much symbolic of everyone apologizing to me for treating me like something smelly that got stuck to the bottom of their shoe. Over time, that one apology has eroded away my mountain of bitterness that shadowed over everyone I went to school with. I think it makes me feel good to realize that.