An introspective morning
It's 6 am and I am wide awake.
I guess you might say I'm having a rough time of it lately, healthwise at least. Yesterday I coudln't even get out of bed because of major abdominal cramps so bad that the pain almost made me pass out. I'm going to spend today making phone call upon phone call upon phone call so I can try to get caught up in everything that I need to take care of.
Creativly, I think I've run dry. The only creative thing that I've had coming out of me latley are these shoes, and really that's not creative so much as ingenuitiy. It's not like I made the shoes, just that I decorated them. But at least it is something.
I feel like there's this huge void in my life that I don't know how I'm going to fill when I leave, and, although alan's a big part of it, it's not just him. I am going to miss my friends and even my aquaintences a lot. As much as I bitch about the state of the department and the evil people in it, I'm going to miss that, too. I love school, I just don't love school enough to divorce Jeff. I guess that's what a lot of my pain right now boils down to. I'm tired of most of this stress and pain. I want to be better than who I am right now and I want to be complete, but I don't know what's missing persay.
I know, first glance at my life, most people would pretty much say, "Well duh, Heather, you are missing God. You're missing spirituality." And I suppose, if I were looking in at my life and not out, I'd possibly agree with them. But the thing is, that I'm looking out, and I know what's inside this little life house. I'm a fairly spiritual person overall. No, I don't advertise it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. I'm quick to offer aid to others, I'm supportive of others, I even show unconditional love to most people all of the time.
"Ahh, but do you love yourself?" Of course. I just don't like myself. Big difference. I don't like that I have changed so much in the last year. I don't like that my body is always sick right now, and I don't like that I have to depend on pills quite often to be "normal" these days. However, with everything I don't like about myself, I still love the fact that I am me. There is no one else in this world who can think, act, and believe things exactly the way that I do. Overall, that right there makes me a pretty special and loveable person. Most of my friends love me because they can't help but do so, even when they don't like me very much. It's an odd talent and gift.
"Have you tried therapy?" Yes. Often and frequently. Therapy for me works in the short term mostly, and here's why: I'm okay talking about my problems in the last 6 years. They suck big time and they're easier for me to confront than the stuff that happened to me when i was a kid. What I've gone thru in the last 6 years has to do with my own decisions as an teen transitioning in to adulthood. Those things, horrific as they may be, are things I can deal with. Problems I cause, I can fix. No, it's tackling those early problems, the ones that didn't come from my own choices, that I don't want to deal with.
See, I both love and hate therapy. I really like going in for the newer problems in my life, but I don't like it when we have to go back in to my childhood and talk about the mulititude of crap there. I know my parents weren't the best parents in the world, but they were pretty damn good parents, and I don't want them to feel like they screwed me up. I firmly believe that we are what we are by our own choices in life. Good or bad, we make ourselves. There is no one that you can blame or trace every problem back to but to yourself. Therapists, however, have this knack for making everything NOT be your fault, which I suppose for a depressive might be a good thing on some level. The scapegoat of convineance is of course your parents, because it's obvious that they are the ones who fucked you up.
I don't think that this is valid at all. Yes, your parents may have had a hand in it, but ultimately the choice came down to you, even as a small child, on how whatever evil thing they did is going to affect you. Granted, my parents look like Ward and June when put next to someone like Henry Lee Lucas's parents, but then again, I think the parents of a sea turtle (who abandon their young) look like the Cleavers next to Henry Lee Lucas's parents.
"Who is Henry Lee Lucas?" Look it up. Facinating story of depravity and how to raise a serial killer. Creepy, but facinating.
Anyway. I think that's about all I've got for now. It's interesting... I didn't even see this journal entry going in this direction today. Maybe I should just shut off my brain and ramble more often....as long as it's with typing. God help all of us if I did that in person, who knows what might come out.
I guess you might say I'm having a rough time of it lately, healthwise at least. Yesterday I coudln't even get out of bed because of major abdominal cramps so bad that the pain almost made me pass out. I'm going to spend today making phone call upon phone call upon phone call so I can try to get caught up in everything that I need to take care of.
Creativly, I think I've run dry. The only creative thing that I've had coming out of me latley are these shoes, and really that's not creative so much as ingenuitiy. It's not like I made the shoes, just that I decorated them. But at least it is something.
I feel like there's this huge void in my life that I don't know how I'm going to fill when I leave, and, although alan's a big part of it, it's not just him. I am going to miss my friends and even my aquaintences a lot. As much as I bitch about the state of the department and the evil people in it, I'm going to miss that, too. I love school, I just don't love school enough to divorce Jeff. I guess that's what a lot of my pain right now boils down to. I'm tired of most of this stress and pain. I want to be better than who I am right now and I want to be complete, but I don't know what's missing persay.
I know, first glance at my life, most people would pretty much say, "Well duh, Heather, you are missing God. You're missing spirituality." And I suppose, if I were looking in at my life and not out, I'd possibly agree with them. But the thing is, that I'm looking out, and I know what's inside this little life house. I'm a fairly spiritual person overall. No, I don't advertise it, but that doesn't mean it's not there. I'm quick to offer aid to others, I'm supportive of others, I even show unconditional love to most people all of the time.
"Ahh, but do you love yourself?" Of course. I just don't like myself. Big difference. I don't like that I have changed so much in the last year. I don't like that my body is always sick right now, and I don't like that I have to depend on pills quite often to be "normal" these days. However, with everything I don't like about myself, I still love the fact that I am me. There is no one else in this world who can think, act, and believe things exactly the way that I do. Overall, that right there makes me a pretty special and loveable person. Most of my friends love me because they can't help but do so, even when they don't like me very much. It's an odd talent and gift.
"Have you tried therapy?" Yes. Often and frequently. Therapy for me works in the short term mostly, and here's why: I'm okay talking about my problems in the last 6 years. They suck big time and they're easier for me to confront than the stuff that happened to me when i was a kid. What I've gone thru in the last 6 years has to do with my own decisions as an teen transitioning in to adulthood. Those things, horrific as they may be, are things I can deal with. Problems I cause, I can fix. No, it's tackling those early problems, the ones that didn't come from my own choices, that I don't want to deal with.
See, I both love and hate therapy. I really like going in for the newer problems in my life, but I don't like it when we have to go back in to my childhood and talk about the mulititude of crap there. I know my parents weren't the best parents in the world, but they were pretty damn good parents, and I don't want them to feel like they screwed me up. I firmly believe that we are what we are by our own choices in life. Good or bad, we make ourselves. There is no one that you can blame or trace every problem back to but to yourself. Therapists, however, have this knack for making everything NOT be your fault, which I suppose for a depressive might be a good thing on some level. The scapegoat of convineance is of course your parents, because it's obvious that they are the ones who fucked you up.
I don't think that this is valid at all. Yes, your parents may have had a hand in it, but ultimately the choice came down to you, even as a small child, on how whatever evil thing they did is going to affect you. Granted, my parents look like Ward and June when put next to someone like Henry Lee Lucas's parents, but then again, I think the parents of a sea turtle (who abandon their young) look like the Cleavers next to Henry Lee Lucas's parents.
"Who is Henry Lee Lucas?" Look it up. Facinating story of depravity and how to raise a serial killer. Creepy, but facinating.
Anyway. I think that's about all I've got for now. It's interesting... I didn't even see this journal entry going in this direction today. Maybe I should just shut off my brain and ramble more often....as long as it's with typing. God help all of us if I did that in person, who knows what might come out.