(no subject)
I took a walk. A loooong walk. I was freezing. I slipped. I hurt myself. Over and over. I should've stayed inside. But I cared not, I went on til I got what I wanted: just the miniscule glimpse of a person who I cannot ever trust again but whom I just miss so that I feel like I'm physically even, missing an important piece. Still to this very day. I trampled back the few odd miles in wet shoes and wet cheeks. And almost wet panties. That is, I nearly pissed myself once because of a scare and part because I drink like a camel (what were you thinking, really? :P).
I'm wondering whose brilliant idea it was to think "let's abandon her, maybe that way she'll heal!", OR! to think that after abandoning me during the fragile time when I would've needed a friend the most that they'd actually deserve to get to enjoy the result once I actually DO get better (if I ever manage)? WHAT KIND OF ASS BACKWARDS LOGIC IS THAT!?!! Not to mention it feels really bitter thinking if only he had any kind of clue as to how many things about him that I had a beef with but decided to forgive and tried to help him overcome because I (apparently mistakenly) believed him to be worth it. Because, that's a what a friend does.
Why do people seem to think that I deserve to suffer for my problems more than everyone else who all have their own sets of problems? What makes my life's trials so unforgivable?
...and above all, how is it that despite all this backstabbing, abandonment, cruelty and injustice I still can love and miss such a person so that it breaks one more piece of my heart every day, even after all this time? Is this what I am being punished for? Is this supposed to be for my good? I doubt that one manipulative bastard who poisoned this and another friend against me really was thinking about my good.
Why do I refuse to end everything despite the fact that my pain multiplies by the minute and I can't hold back my tears anymore. This is stupid.
I don't care about my insomnia anymore, I used to think that if there was one adjustment I could do to my brain it would be to have a power-switch so that I could sleep/wake up at the push of a button. Now all I'd be content with is if I could erase all the memories of this one person, for all eternity. Good and bad, just forget they ever existed, ever were part of my life in any way.
I used to want a time machine for traveling to different eras and experience them first hand, witness historical events, enrich life. But I don't have any spark or interest left for anything. I'd just use it to go back and tell myself not to get involved with said creature (is he even a person, I wonder), and then be content with a life with its moderate ups and downs like any other regular life, just float on this broken raft til age or accident reaps me.
I grew up never expecting to have friends. But I got some. This person was really the only one I ever thought that I'd be friends with til I died. I thought that at some point I'd quit keeping in touch with dad. My sister and I would fall out of touch, all people'd come and go and I'd never really trust anyone. But this I thought would last. The only person I ever dared to think like this of. Right.
6 months, and I'm still not healing. And I used to think breaking up with boyfriends was bad. O haha. That at least got a bit easier after some months. This seems to grow more and more torturous for each day that passes. I'm exploding.
How does one expect me to heal if I can never stop hurting?
I'm wondering whose brilliant idea it was to think "let's abandon her, maybe that way she'll heal!", OR! to think that after abandoning me during the fragile time when I would've needed a friend the most that they'd actually deserve to get to enjoy the result once I actually DO get better (if I ever manage)? WHAT KIND OF ASS BACKWARDS LOGIC IS THAT!?!! Not to mention it feels really bitter thinking if only he had any kind of clue as to how many things about him that I had a beef with but decided to forgive and tried to help him overcome because I (apparently mistakenly) believed him to be worth it. Because, that's a what a friend does.
Why do people seem to think that I deserve to suffer for my problems more than everyone else who all have their own sets of problems? What makes my life's trials so unforgivable?
...and above all, how is it that despite all this backstabbing, abandonment, cruelty and injustice I still can love and miss such a person so that it breaks one more piece of my heart every day, even after all this time? Is this what I am being punished for? Is this supposed to be for my good? I doubt that one manipulative bastard who poisoned this and another friend against me really was thinking about my good.
Why do I refuse to end everything despite the fact that my pain multiplies by the minute and I can't hold back my tears anymore. This is stupid.
I don't care about my insomnia anymore, I used to think that if there was one adjustment I could do to my brain it would be to have a power-switch so that I could sleep/wake up at the push of a button. Now all I'd be content with is if I could erase all the memories of this one person, for all eternity. Good and bad, just forget they ever existed, ever were part of my life in any way.
I used to want a time machine for traveling to different eras and experience them first hand, witness historical events, enrich life. But I don't have any spark or interest left for anything. I'd just use it to go back and tell myself not to get involved with said creature (is he even a person, I wonder), and then be content with a life with its moderate ups and downs like any other regular life, just float on this broken raft til age or accident reaps me.
I grew up never expecting to have friends. But I got some. This person was really the only one I ever thought that I'd be friends with til I died. I thought that at some point I'd quit keeping in touch with dad. My sister and I would fall out of touch, all people'd come and go and I'd never really trust anyone. But this I thought would last. The only person I ever dared to think like this of. Right.
6 months, and I'm still not healing. And I used to think breaking up with boyfriends was bad. O haha. That at least got a bit easier after some months. This seems to grow more and more torturous for each day that passes. I'm exploding.
How does one expect me to heal if I can never stop hurting?