Dealing with certain people
I recently came to the conclusion to severe J, my ex, from my contact lists.
Why, you ask? Well for the same reasons I have found it to be a pain in the butt to deal with him ever since our break-up in -03, which I have, for the previous years, suffered only because it was a necessary evil as I am now good friends with his current, H.
The relationship itself consisted of physical and mental abuse, his constant declaration of my opinions and tastes (those of them that differed from his) as fallacious, relating to these things as matters-of-fact rather than mere personal opinions, internal experiences, as they were.
After the break-up he'd venomously belittle my dreams and aspirations, such as travelling (because it's such an elitist *gasp* thing to do!), or moving abroad, like Berlin. He'd belittle and criticize every (possibly) romantic interest (most notably my teen-infatuation with Frank Mertens, the previous keyboardist of Alphaville - when I was 15 (before we even had met) *eye-roll*, and my budding romance with Robbert, the Dutchman). Back then he was a militant non-drinker, so whenever it would come to his awareness that I had been consuming alcohol or that I wished I could have a glass of wine or a beer, that would be a matter to be condescending about.
He also constantly declared how I was in his opinion pretending like our relationship never had existed, or like it never had meant anything to me.
So, around came Heta, and finally I got him off of my heels. Things became notably easier as he wasn't jealously following my every move and commenting on absolutely everything I did with venom and anger, trying to drag me down to the same state of misery he felt I had dragged him into. There were occasional clashes which usually got settled with H mediating to J what I had tried to say, because that usually was the source of the problem in those situations: he'd react irrationally to what I said or did - either by misunderstanding or plain wrong attitude.
But it's become gradually worse and worse, particularly most recently. I've started becoming anxious everytime I have to deal with him as the general trend is that whatever he's got to say about whatever subject is at hand will be negative, condescending, criticizing my opinion and then turning it into some sort of power battle where he obviously wants to get the last word and if I have something to add to to whatever he said, he'll turn it into like that was my intention and laugh at/belittle my "defense" by saying something like "I was only...(insert his defense of each situation)" and that I have been out of line with making the whole thing into an argument when it alway started with him responding in his condescending and arrogant manner to whatever it was I had originally said/done, be it for example in the form of a Facebook-application-result or a comment to someone we both know.
In each situation I maintaned my neutral "you think what you want, I think how I want" pose and he'd go on in some way insisting I was wrong or that *I* was condescending when merely giving a rational argument on why his opinion does not change mine because tastes/opinions aren't factual matters to argue over.
He also is greatly offended/bothered whenever the fact that we used to be an item is brought up (it's usually by me, and always in the form of a light-hearted joke regarding anything about it, I don't have any other reasons to bring it up) - it feels like he is somehow trying to get back at me for "pretending it never happened" by doing the exact same thing now! I don't even understand what in the first place gave him the impression I was doing so. Because I was seeing new people? Oh come on!
I haven't wanted to go and visit H for a long time because I'm just anxious about dealing with him, even though it's remarkably easier with her around as she stands up for me if he comes up with some irrational bullshit to attack me with.
I feel like the emotional/mental instability I suffered around 2006-07 has given him some sort of inner gratification and justification for treating me like this as it seems to have gotten worse after it. Like, he can say whatever stupid bullshit to me he wants and then gain somekind of respect/acceptance for it by merely making a venomously humorous remark about some of the incidents that happened in my life at the time (like going into a psychosis when on drugs and being at the psych ward for it, or any other of the times I was put there, be it by my own request or not).
It's sad that my friendship with H has to suffer because of my unwillingness to deal with him because of these facts.
Why, you ask? Well for the same reasons I have found it to be a pain in the butt to deal with him ever since our break-up in -03, which I have, for the previous years, suffered only because it was a necessary evil as I am now good friends with his current, H.
The relationship itself consisted of physical and mental abuse, his constant declaration of my opinions and tastes (those of them that differed from his) as fallacious, relating to these things as matters-of-fact rather than mere personal opinions, internal experiences, as they were.
After the break-up he'd venomously belittle my dreams and aspirations, such as travelling (because it's such an elitist *gasp* thing to do!), or moving abroad, like Berlin. He'd belittle and criticize every (possibly) romantic interest (most notably my teen-infatuation with Frank Mertens, the previous keyboardist of Alphaville - when I was 15 (before we even had met) *eye-roll*, and my budding romance with Robbert, the Dutchman). Back then he was a militant non-drinker, so whenever it would come to his awareness that I had been consuming alcohol or that I wished I could have a glass of wine or a beer, that would be a matter to be condescending about.
He also constantly declared how I was in his opinion pretending like our relationship never had existed, or like it never had meant anything to me.
So, around came Heta, and finally I got him off of my heels. Things became notably easier as he wasn't jealously following my every move and commenting on absolutely everything I did with venom and anger, trying to drag me down to the same state of misery he felt I had dragged him into. There were occasional clashes which usually got settled with H mediating to J what I had tried to say, because that usually was the source of the problem in those situations: he'd react irrationally to what I said or did - either by misunderstanding or plain wrong attitude.
But it's become gradually worse and worse, particularly most recently. I've started becoming anxious everytime I have to deal with him as the general trend is that whatever he's got to say about whatever subject is at hand will be negative, condescending, criticizing my opinion and then turning it into some sort of power battle where he obviously wants to get the last word and if I have something to add to to whatever he said, he'll turn it into like that was my intention and laugh at/belittle my "defense" by saying something like "I was only...(insert his defense of each situation)" and that I have been out of line with making the whole thing into an argument when it alway started with him responding in his condescending and arrogant manner to whatever it was I had originally said/done, be it for example in the form of a Facebook-application-result or a comment to someone we both know.
In each situation I maintaned my neutral "you think what you want, I think how I want" pose and he'd go on in some way insisting I was wrong or that *I* was condescending when merely giving a rational argument on why his opinion does not change mine because tastes/opinions aren't factual matters to argue over.
He also is greatly offended/bothered whenever the fact that we used to be an item is brought up (it's usually by me, and always in the form of a light-hearted joke regarding anything about it, I don't have any other reasons to bring it up) - it feels like he is somehow trying to get back at me for "pretending it never happened" by doing the exact same thing now! I don't even understand what in the first place gave him the impression I was doing so. Because I was seeing new people? Oh come on!
I haven't wanted to go and visit H for a long time because I'm just anxious about dealing with him, even though it's remarkably easier with her around as she stands up for me if he comes up with some irrational bullshit to attack me with.
I feel like the emotional/mental instability I suffered around 2006-07 has given him some sort of inner gratification and justification for treating me like this as it seems to have gotten worse after it. Like, he can say whatever stupid bullshit to me he wants and then gain somekind of respect/acceptance for it by merely making a venomously humorous remark about some of the incidents that happened in my life at the time (like going into a psychosis when on drugs and being at the psych ward for it, or any other of the times I was put there, be it by my own request or not).
It's sad that my friendship with H has to suffer because of my unwillingness to deal with him because of these facts.