whateverfitshereit'satotallypointlesslineanyway
A lot has passed since I last made a real update. I thought I should make a little post now if not else, just to tell you that I may be updating this thing a bit more actively from now on again, as I finally scraped enough together to replace my old shitty motherboard-busted Dell with a brand new, Acer powerbook. it's 6 AM, I've spent an unhealthy amount of hours configuring my new plaything with all sorts of nice gizmos. The Winamp plugins are giving me a headache though, as they don't seem to work dammit! Muh, maybe I should look into that again after a good night's rest :P
On the real-life front, there have been some further changes. My 8-month relationship with the Norwegian gentleman ended just before X-mas. I didn't feel I could take it anymore as I felt we weren't compatible in the romantic relationship sense. Bittersweet notions filled the break-up as I still have some sort of tender feelings for him, and it wasn't exactly a thrill to break a dear person's heart like that.
But reality is that I met someone else, and I fell for him. And that already told me enough. If I'd been satisfied in that relationship, I wouldn't have been even able to generate such emotions for someone else. That's just how I work.
So yes, I sort of jumped ship to another one. Not my style, I know. Particularly when I've felt like steering clear of relationshits in general anyway. But...I feel like I've found something magnificent this time...and not even once have I felt like I wanted out of this relationship (yet) as I have in ALL my previous ones, right from the beginning. I think a pivotal factor here must be that I actually feel ready to step into a relationship now, which I didn't earlier on. It also helps that I've found someone who pushes just the right buttons in me, makes me burn with a flame brighter than Sirius' flares, knows HOW to motivate me to make a change for the long awaited 'better' in my life, and gives me a chance even after being a burden when I ran out of my meds.
There are some things that bother me, that I need to discuss with him though. Basically for example what it is that made him think was so particularly 'selfish' about my LJ-posts about Ilari after our break-up. I mean, since when has a broken heart been anything but a selfish emotion? The sensation of a broken heart stems from wanting to be with someone who doesn't want you, and while selfish, it is also a totally involuntary desire! You can't control that emotion when it burns fresh. What makes the real difference is what you DO about those emotions, and what I did wrong during that "recuperation period" was downing my pills with some alcohol when visiting him, so that I ended up at a hospital. And that was a pure accident which resulted from my obviously vulnerable state. So the way I see it, there was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about my emotions regarding the aftermath of our relationship, and my "crime" was being deeply in love with a magnificient, extraordinary person whom I til this very day treasure in my heart as a very special person, a dear friend. But since Ilari actually is a mutual friend of ours (he is the way I got to know my current darling), I'm thinking that maybe the selfish feelings that rose here were, in fact, his. He's not (according to his own words) a very jealous person, but perhaps he still wasn't very comfortable reading that stuff, and therefore snapped at me when I asked him what he thought about those posts after he told me he had read them.
Oh well, just another snake in paradise that's in line for the guillotine. I need to rehearse my long lost communicatory skills now that I decided to reawaken the social animal within and start taking those well-known baby steps towards that thing they call "life".
Anyway...I'm back....run while you still can!!!
On the real-life front, there have been some further changes. My 8-month relationship with the Norwegian gentleman ended just before X-mas. I didn't feel I could take it anymore as I felt we weren't compatible in the romantic relationship sense. Bittersweet notions filled the break-up as I still have some sort of tender feelings for him, and it wasn't exactly a thrill to break a dear person's heart like that.
But reality is that I met someone else, and I fell for him. And that already told me enough. If I'd been satisfied in that relationship, I wouldn't have been even able to generate such emotions for someone else. That's just how I work.
So yes, I sort of jumped ship to another one. Not my style, I know. Particularly when I've felt like steering clear of relationshits in general anyway. But...I feel like I've found something magnificent this time...and not even once have I felt like I wanted out of this relationship (yet) as I have in ALL my previous ones, right from the beginning. I think a pivotal factor here must be that I actually feel ready to step into a relationship now, which I didn't earlier on. It also helps that I've found someone who pushes just the right buttons in me, makes me burn with a flame brighter than Sirius' flares, knows HOW to motivate me to make a change for the long awaited 'better' in my life, and gives me a chance even after being a burden when I ran out of my meds.
There are some things that bother me, that I need to discuss with him though. Basically for example what it is that made him think was so particularly 'selfish' about my LJ-posts about Ilari after our break-up. I mean, since when has a broken heart been anything but a selfish emotion? The sensation of a broken heart stems from wanting to be with someone who doesn't want you, and while selfish, it is also a totally involuntary desire! You can't control that emotion when it burns fresh. What makes the real difference is what you DO about those emotions, and what I did wrong during that "recuperation period" was downing my pills with some alcohol when visiting him, so that I ended up at a hospital. And that was a pure accident which resulted from my obviously vulnerable state. So the way I see it, there was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary about my emotions regarding the aftermath of our relationship, and my "crime" was being deeply in love with a magnificient, extraordinary person whom I til this very day treasure in my heart as a very special person, a dear friend. But since Ilari actually is a mutual friend of ours (he is the way I got to know my current darling), I'm thinking that maybe the selfish feelings that rose here were, in fact, his. He's not (according to his own words) a very jealous person, but perhaps he still wasn't very comfortable reading that stuff, and therefore snapped at me when I asked him what he thought about those posts after he told me he had read them.
Oh well, just another snake in paradise that's in line for the guillotine. I need to rehearse my long lost communicatory skills now that I decided to reawaken the social animal within and start taking those well-known baby steps towards that thing they call "life".
Anyway...I'm back....run while you still can!!!