hi, this is she
oh hey friends, long time no talk. i've said it once and i'll say it again--it is so hard to write in this thing when i'm not depressed. i think when i was hideously depressed this thing was like my life raft so now i can't even reach for it unless i'm feeling terrible. and i really don't feel terrible these days, ever. maybe this is too cocky for the universe, but i'm not sure i can even feel that depressed anymore. i thought it was a fluke at first, or just new relationship energy with Spencer, but i guess i really am just stable now, which is crazy. i used to be so unstable. i used to absolutely believe i had bipolar or hardcore chemical imbalances, and i thought i was going to have to kill myself one day. and now i just feel fine all the time, and it's weird. i wonder if i just had strong hormonal imbalances that have leveled off. or maybe it really was Spencer? everything perfectly coincides with it being Spencer but that seems so anti-feminist to talk about being fixed by a man. i think i was, though.
everything is weird right now. i teach in a high poverty district with terrible public schools where everyone who has any money takes their kids out to put in private schools. it's also heavily racially segregated. the schools are 60% minority and the private schools are 97% white. seems glaringly obvious that something is hideously wrong but no one talks about it. we've been out of school since March 13. most of the kids do not have home computers or reliable internet so they're just not getting school. seriously. they're literally just not doing anything. i read about nyc, which has a similar demographic as us and which has students checking out laptops from distribution centers and waiving internet fees for qualifying families. we just have nothing. and there's no parents in the district that will raise hell about it or hire legal counsel so that's just how it is. so i've just been sitting at home getting paid to do nothing.
the most infuriating part is that my cohort, school speech therapists, is probably one of the most privileged groups in the whole school system. most of the other SLPs are married to oil and gas men and don't have to work, a lot of them had never stepped foot in a public school before getting hired on. we had a zoom meeting recently where our boss talked about the potential of doing something for the kids -- sending home packets, or calling to check in with the parents. doing therapy through zoom, if that's available to them. and do you know how 90% of the other SLPs responded to that very mild request to actually do something with our time while we're being paid to sit in the safety of our homes? total outrage and every excuse under the sun, including it being a "HIPPA" violation to provide therapy for kids in setting where their extended family might be able to listen. just total bullshit semantics to kick the can. meanwhile the grocery store clerks are being paid $8 an hour to be directly in harm's way while providing an essential service with a smile on their face. grosses me out. i think it's interesting that my work typically forces the highest echelons of privilege to interact with a subset most of them have no prior experience with. it's just weird that it doesn't really change anything. it seems so obvious to me that all socioeconomic problems are just class-related systemic issues, but it doesn't affect how they act or how they vote. it doesn't mean they put their kids in the same public schools where they work. it doesn't mean they donate, or treat kids more kindly because they know about their home life and the impossible struggles they face. it just means they show up everyday and earn a paycheck. except for now, where we don't have to do anything at all. i wish i could say i was doing more. i checked on my most vulnerable student's mom and she accepted my offer for a food drop-off. that was weeks ago and i haven't heard from her since. her other 3 kids were removed and put in foster care right before this started, which makes me feel much more reassured. some of these kids will be barely surviving this long stretch of time before school starts again. one of my kids parents is spanish only, and had no idea how to call and set up the meal delivery service that's supposed to protect the most vulnerable kids. no one had reached out to her, least of all her case manager at the school who I detest. just an English-only email when she doesn't have internet or an email address.
sorry to complain so much. i'm going to try to write in this thing more. wait till y'all hear what's going on with my mother-in-law... i'll save that for next time. miss you guys.
everything is weird right now. i teach in a high poverty district with terrible public schools where everyone who has any money takes their kids out to put in private schools. it's also heavily racially segregated. the schools are 60% minority and the private schools are 97% white. seems glaringly obvious that something is hideously wrong but no one talks about it. we've been out of school since March 13. most of the kids do not have home computers or reliable internet so they're just not getting school. seriously. they're literally just not doing anything. i read about nyc, which has a similar demographic as us and which has students checking out laptops from distribution centers and waiving internet fees for qualifying families. we just have nothing. and there's no parents in the district that will raise hell about it or hire legal counsel so that's just how it is. so i've just been sitting at home getting paid to do nothing.
the most infuriating part is that my cohort, school speech therapists, is probably one of the most privileged groups in the whole school system. most of the other SLPs are married to oil and gas men and don't have to work, a lot of them had never stepped foot in a public school before getting hired on. we had a zoom meeting recently where our boss talked about the potential of doing something for the kids -- sending home packets, or calling to check in with the parents. doing therapy through zoom, if that's available to them. and do you know how 90% of the other SLPs responded to that very mild request to actually do something with our time while we're being paid to sit in the safety of our homes? total outrage and every excuse under the sun, including it being a "HIPPA" violation to provide therapy for kids in setting where their extended family might be able to listen. just total bullshit semantics to kick the can. meanwhile the grocery store clerks are being paid $8 an hour to be directly in harm's way while providing an essential service with a smile on their face. grosses me out. i think it's interesting that my work typically forces the highest echelons of privilege to interact with a subset most of them have no prior experience with. it's just weird that it doesn't really change anything. it seems so obvious to me that all socioeconomic problems are just class-related systemic issues, but it doesn't affect how they act or how they vote. it doesn't mean they put their kids in the same public schools where they work. it doesn't mean they donate, or treat kids more kindly because they know about their home life and the impossible struggles they face. it just means they show up everyday and earn a paycheck. except for now, where we don't have to do anything at all. i wish i could say i was doing more. i checked on my most vulnerable student's mom and she accepted my offer for a food drop-off. that was weeks ago and i haven't heard from her since. her other 3 kids were removed and put in foster care right before this started, which makes me feel much more reassured. some of these kids will be barely surviving this long stretch of time before school starts again. one of my kids parents is spanish only, and had no idea how to call and set up the meal delivery service that's supposed to protect the most vulnerable kids. no one had reached out to her, least of all her case manager at the school who I detest. just an English-only email when she doesn't have internet or an email address.
sorry to complain so much. i'm going to try to write in this thing more. wait till y'all hear what's going on with my mother-in-law... i'll save that for next time. miss you guys.