(no subject)
i had some kind of meltdown on the weekend. Leaving yoga, I heard my Nanny died. She was such a wonderful person. My mom told me all my relatives were there when it happened. I went on my way that night and ended up eating this cookie (that had weed in it). Everything was cool during my outing that night. I played guitar. I sang some songs. I went home and put on some Jerry Garcia BAnd to listen to while I went to sleep. Then I thought it would be a good time to think about my NAnny. That is when this overwhelming feeling of interconnectedness hit me and realizations started happening all at once. realization overload. My life, my job, my school, my loves, my everything. I could not handle it. I started shivering. I was freezing cold. The space heater was cranked bu I guess the space cookies were too. Then I had this feeling that death was coming to take me away. It was no, NOT good. I deductively ran through all the possibilitys of what could be happening to me. It was so fucking hard. Visually, I could not focus on one spot at all. It was either death or insanity that was hitting me. I had to call someone to the rescue. It was 4:30 in the morn. I had to work at 9:00AM. Was I suppose to call in to work and inform them of my mental breakdown? I don't think so. I finally got a hold of a people I knew, I said "Hey, I\'m fucked up in the head right now, I need you to come over." They came over 15 minutes later and 2 hours later and after a good cry, breathing crazy, and puke session, I got some sleep. I went to work the next day only too be an emotional wreck that could not work. Nobody could cover for me so I had to work with these kids that could so obviously sense that I was struck with so much sad feelings. The thing that got me though was even though these kids lives were so fucked up, they sensed what I was going through and fed me compassion. It was fucking gorgeous. COMPASSION to the fullest. I am alright today. I've got to admit its getting better. all the time