tvxq - affirmation [yoochun x junsu]
Title: Affirmation
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, fluff
Summary: Yoochun has a girlfriend, but Junsu has something better.
Note: not part of the one-shot collection and yes Request of a Lover is coming soon. This is for Iris; happy belated birthday!
It is not the girl’s fault. That much is certain.
She just happens to be one of those people that catches attention; cute and bubbly, not at all blending in with the scenery and sometimes almost breathtakingly beautiful when standing in the soft glow of the faint orange lights in their living room. She is witty, knows how to handle Changmin in a conversation and is not taken aback by Jaejoong’s curious nature. Yunho watches from a distance, but it is evident on his face that he is starting to like her. Her.
Junsu knows that eventually, when he gets past the whole ordeal about her not being the type he expected with Yoochun at all, he might be able to like her, too. However, now is not the moment and neither will it be in a couple of minutes, or hours, or days for that matter. Instead, he watches her walk around with a slight bounce to her steps, watches her fingers peel layers off Yoochun’s heart. She is too good at this and that is what causes the nausea in his stomach.
Junsu also knows that he might be the only one who has read too much in everything that has ever occured between Yoochun and him. As much as he has rejected it in the past, he is beginning to find understanding for it now. It has not been simple pushing and pulling, action reaction or companionship. It has been a quest for comfort and now it holds his heart in a tight grip. It has him praying to a God he no longer wants to believe in.
Two memorable things between them have happened in the past.
One. Yoochun has told him once that he makes him feel at home. It went something like this;
Their second live tour in Japan has ended successfully and they are a day and half a night into their well deserved break when all of the sudden Yoochun falls ill. Jaejoong cancels his trip, only to book it once more after Yoochun calls him an idiot five times in a row whilst beating him with a pillow and a weakened arm. When their group’s self-proclaimed umma has left, Junsu finds himself alone with the other singer and decides to find ways to cheer the other up.
It is as simple as breathing, really. He knows them all like he knows the back of his hand by now and there is no challenge in making Yoochun happy. It just takes preparation; that one Savage Garden CD on repeat, no more fluorescent lights and slightly burnt mashed potatoes. As Yoochun sits up with his back against the headrest of the bed, Junsu watches him from his spot on the other end and starts singing along to the songs in broken English. Yoochun eats slowly and even though it is not as tasty as it should be, he smiles a little.
“Tomorrow I’m leaving to see my brother,” Junsu feels the need to announce, plucking at loose strings on his jeans. He looks up at Yoochun again to find the other man rolling his shoulders a little and then shrugging. He shrugs in return. “Yoochunnie, if there is anything…” he makes a vague gesture with his left hand, not too sure what he means but guessing the other man will get it.
“You need to go home whenever you get the chance to,” Yoochun answers after another mouthful and then sets the plate aside. He has eaten more than half of the dish. There is more shoulder rolling and then their eyes meet. Yoochun’s eyelids are puffy and red, but he looks sincere. It is a good thing the man chooses not to joke around this time and therefore Junsu is bold;
“What about your home?”
More silence, stretching over time. Junsu hopes it is the comfortable kind, like the soft blanket covering the other man’s sheets. He sucks on his tongue and tries not too hard to look like he expects an answer.
“Right here,” the former-American lifts his arms above his head to stretch and then forgets to suppress a yawn. His face screws up in a funny way, so Junsu laughs and sees the way the other’s muscles clench and unclench in his throat. “Right here,” Yoochun repeats, a little softer in between laughter, “with you, or something.”
Two. Yoochun has kissed him once, but it might not even count as a real kiss. Yet Junsu’s lost all his hope for a normal future in that single moment;
“I can’t believe you screwed up,” Changmin is laughing loudly and imitates the scene from before, mimicking Junsu’s serious face and his dance steps. As a result, Yoochun topples over with laughter, clutching his stomach with one hand as the other holds on to the arm rest of the couch. Even Yunho laughs.
“Did you see that? Before, when we were on stage, Junsu-“ Jaejoong laughs at the camera, shakes his head and does not even try to hide the merriment evident in his eyes. “-the song had ended, but he kept on dancing while we were leaving the stage,” he waves his hand around, then steps away from the camera and playfully hits Junsu’s shoulder.
Trying to make up for his mistake, Junsu babbles on about being happy to stand on the stage in their home country again. Somewhere on the inside, he feels guilty for being the one to make a mistake. As much as he is known for being the joker in their midst, he knows his image changes once they perform. To carelessly slip this time without intending it to be a laughing matter feels unsettling to him.
Afterwards, when they are back home and not under the watching eye of their fans, he takes some time in the bathroom to twist and pull the discomfort out of himself. Moments after he exits, Yoochun corners him in the hallway and pokes him in the ribs. He halts, leans back against the wall and squeaks very much like a girl when the other repeats the action.
“It’s not that bad, you know. Not nearly as bad as that one time when you lost your shoe. Or when you bumped into Jaejoong-“
Junsu pokes the other man back, in the stomach, not all that gentle. “He bumped into me,” he corrects, trying to find some reassurance in the other’s unhelpful words.
“Okay,” Yoochun holds up his arms as if to say he gives up, “Jaejoong’s the king of idiocy, we all know that. You are just sort of, you know. Maybe not intentionally, but just kind of the same, sometimes. On a different level.”
Rolling his eyes, Junsu pushes away from the wall. “Not helping,” he informs the other, trying to push past him.
“Hey,” hands catch his wrists, “Hey. Okay. I get it. Stop torturing yourself and smile already,” Yoochun does not know how to handle it in any other way, Junsu can see that on his face. “We like you the way you are. Charisma Junsu,” he grins for a second and then there is a moment, which feels like it is supposed to be something. Junsu’s lips twitch upwards.
“Good boy,” Yoochun says and lets go of the wrists, but not before he presses his lips against Junsu’s. Maybe it lasts a little too long to just come across as consolation, but it cannot be long enough to mean any different. Yoochun does not look at him when he walks away and leaves Junsu standing there, suddenly shaking on his feet.
But there has never been any talking, and therefore they are just two things of the past.
Eventually, it becomes unavoidable and so is Yoochun.
They are standing on the balcony and Yoochun is smoking a cigarette whilst Junsu is trying to figure out how to not destroy his best friend’s happiness, how to not destroy the friendship they have been holding on to so dearly. Junsu does not want to start this conversation, but Yoochun does.
“Hey. About that,” he begins, the ashes falling from his cigarette, twirling downwards to where Junsu’s eyes do not follow. He looks at ease in his slightly oversized black hoodie, but his shoulders are a straight line, even as he leans his back against the railing.
“Your girlfriend, you mean,” Junsu offers lightly, not looking his friend in the eye. It is easier to pretend that he has not been thinking about his resentment towards the obviously so loveable human being Yoochun has chosen as his partner. “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” but it does not sound honest.
Yoochun catches on to that and Junsu turns away a little, stares at the skyscrapers and their lights, sees the traffic but does not hear their sounds over his own heart hammering in his chest. He is not even sure what to call this emotion. Anger, jealousy, sadness - it all does not quite fit the trembling in his joints or the weakness in his knees.
The cigarette ends up on the pavement below and Junsu can feel Yoochun moving about, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans and his face probably puzzled, whatever. He does not really need to know, but Yoochun insists, “Is that. I mean, so you really mean that?” just curiosity, Junsu decides. Aside from curiosity, there is nothing else there in the other man’s question.
However, it is out before he can stop himself. “No,” he says slowly, frowning as he rubs fingertips at his temples in order to calm himself down. The attempt is futile and he does not miss the surprised expression on Yoochun’s tired face when he glances up. He wants to tell the man he should stop being so selfish, to think that he alone is entitled to feel worn out whilst he has never even began to see how much of a mess this is. “No, I can’t,” he admits.
Yoochun lets out a heavy sigh and Junsu suspects that he’s been holding his breath, trying to come up with a proper reply. Like there is any. He wonders what the other will say, rather than giving attention to the fact that he has just wrecked about everything he could have possibly done with those simple words.
“You will be alright,” Yoochun tries to decide for him, but his voice is weak and so is his attempt at fixing this situation. Junsu laughs humourlessly, shaking his head.
“No, I won’t be alright,” he tells him, hands coming down to rest on top of the railing. Turning his body slightly, he fixes his eyes upon Yoochun’s posture and eventually rests them on the man’s face. “I want to be selfish for just this once,” he confesses, surprised by the strength of his own words. “This,” he moves his hand back and forth in the air between them, “that one time. That one time destroyed whatever I thought of as the truth, you know that? That which I believed, which I want to believe, is more than just that. More than just some stupid friendship or being in the same fucking boyband,” he pauses, takes a breath and feels the sharpness of the words on his tongue.
“I thought that it all meant, that it would eventually all mean that you thought about me in another way.”
Yoochun’s fist collides with the wall. Junsu does not watch it. He feels like he has just trampled on his own heart and feels the bitterness of it run through his veins, pumping like adrenaline. He is ready for the blow, for whatever words Yoochun has left after his confession, but he does not get any.
When there is nothing but wind and traffic sounds, Junsu turns once more to look at his band mate and sees Yoochun looking back at him, shoulders sagged and hands back in his pockets. There is heaviness in the moment and Junsu wishes he would swallow back the words that follow,
“She is just a girl. What am I?”
It takes a long time but then Yoochun turns his back to the other singer and there are other sounds, sounds of sadness that Junsu has heard before. Sobs muffled by sleeves and hands, a man trying hard not to cry. Inside, Jaejoong laughs and Changmin turns on the music. ‘I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands…’
Junsu embraces the other man, so tight that his arms lose feeling and so close that he might be the one crying when the other has already stopped.
“Home,” comes the answer, later that night. It is dark in the apartment and they have not spoken to each other in hours, but somehow they are on the same couch and their legs are entangled. Yoochun nurses a cup of coffee and Junsu still feels the warmth of it on his hands from when he made it for the other.
“Home, that is what you are.”
Pairing: Yoochun/Junsu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: drama, fluff
Summary: Yoochun has a girlfriend, but Junsu has something better.
Note: not part of the one-shot collection and yes Request of a Lover is coming soon. This is for Iris; happy belated birthday!
It is not the girl’s fault. That much is certain.
She just happens to be one of those people that catches attention; cute and bubbly, not at all blending in with the scenery and sometimes almost breathtakingly beautiful when standing in the soft glow of the faint orange lights in their living room. She is witty, knows how to handle Changmin in a conversation and is not taken aback by Jaejoong’s curious nature. Yunho watches from a distance, but it is evident on his face that he is starting to like her. Her.
Junsu knows that eventually, when he gets past the whole ordeal about her not being the type he expected with Yoochun at all, he might be able to like her, too. However, now is not the moment and neither will it be in a couple of minutes, or hours, or days for that matter. Instead, he watches her walk around with a slight bounce to her steps, watches her fingers peel layers off Yoochun’s heart. She is too good at this and that is what causes the nausea in his stomach.
Junsu also knows that he might be the only one who has read too much in everything that has ever occured between Yoochun and him. As much as he has rejected it in the past, he is beginning to find understanding for it now. It has not been simple pushing and pulling, action reaction or companionship. It has been a quest for comfort and now it holds his heart in a tight grip. It has him praying to a God he no longer wants to believe in.
Two memorable things between them have happened in the past.
One. Yoochun has told him once that he makes him feel at home. It went something like this;
Their second live tour in Japan has ended successfully and they are a day and half a night into their well deserved break when all of the sudden Yoochun falls ill. Jaejoong cancels his trip, only to book it once more after Yoochun calls him an idiot five times in a row whilst beating him with a pillow and a weakened arm. When their group’s self-proclaimed umma has left, Junsu finds himself alone with the other singer and decides to find ways to cheer the other up.
It is as simple as breathing, really. He knows them all like he knows the back of his hand by now and there is no challenge in making Yoochun happy. It just takes preparation; that one Savage Garden CD on repeat, no more fluorescent lights and slightly burnt mashed potatoes. As Yoochun sits up with his back against the headrest of the bed, Junsu watches him from his spot on the other end and starts singing along to the songs in broken English. Yoochun eats slowly and even though it is not as tasty as it should be, he smiles a little.
“Tomorrow I’m leaving to see my brother,” Junsu feels the need to announce, plucking at loose strings on his jeans. He looks up at Yoochun again to find the other man rolling his shoulders a little and then shrugging. He shrugs in return. “Yoochunnie, if there is anything…” he makes a vague gesture with his left hand, not too sure what he means but guessing the other man will get it.
“You need to go home whenever you get the chance to,” Yoochun answers after another mouthful and then sets the plate aside. He has eaten more than half of the dish. There is more shoulder rolling and then their eyes meet. Yoochun’s eyelids are puffy and red, but he looks sincere. It is a good thing the man chooses not to joke around this time and therefore Junsu is bold;
“What about your home?”
More silence, stretching over time. Junsu hopes it is the comfortable kind, like the soft blanket covering the other man’s sheets. He sucks on his tongue and tries not too hard to look like he expects an answer.
“Right here,” the former-American lifts his arms above his head to stretch and then forgets to suppress a yawn. His face screws up in a funny way, so Junsu laughs and sees the way the other’s muscles clench and unclench in his throat. “Right here,” Yoochun repeats, a little softer in between laughter, “with you, or something.”
Two. Yoochun has kissed him once, but it might not even count as a real kiss. Yet Junsu’s lost all his hope for a normal future in that single moment;
“I can’t believe you screwed up,” Changmin is laughing loudly and imitates the scene from before, mimicking Junsu’s serious face and his dance steps. As a result, Yoochun topples over with laughter, clutching his stomach with one hand as the other holds on to the arm rest of the couch. Even Yunho laughs.
“Did you see that? Before, when we were on stage, Junsu-“ Jaejoong laughs at the camera, shakes his head and does not even try to hide the merriment evident in his eyes. “-the song had ended, but he kept on dancing while we were leaving the stage,” he waves his hand around, then steps away from the camera and playfully hits Junsu’s shoulder.
Trying to make up for his mistake, Junsu babbles on about being happy to stand on the stage in their home country again. Somewhere on the inside, he feels guilty for being the one to make a mistake. As much as he is known for being the joker in their midst, he knows his image changes once they perform. To carelessly slip this time without intending it to be a laughing matter feels unsettling to him.
Afterwards, when they are back home and not under the watching eye of their fans, he takes some time in the bathroom to twist and pull the discomfort out of himself. Moments after he exits, Yoochun corners him in the hallway and pokes him in the ribs. He halts, leans back against the wall and squeaks very much like a girl when the other repeats the action.
“It’s not that bad, you know. Not nearly as bad as that one time when you lost your shoe. Or when you bumped into Jaejoong-“
Junsu pokes the other man back, in the stomach, not all that gentle. “He bumped into me,” he corrects, trying to find some reassurance in the other’s unhelpful words.
“Okay,” Yoochun holds up his arms as if to say he gives up, “Jaejoong’s the king of idiocy, we all know that. You are just sort of, you know. Maybe not intentionally, but just kind of the same, sometimes. On a different level.”
Rolling his eyes, Junsu pushes away from the wall. “Not helping,” he informs the other, trying to push past him.
“Hey,” hands catch his wrists, “Hey. Okay. I get it. Stop torturing yourself and smile already,” Yoochun does not know how to handle it in any other way, Junsu can see that on his face. “We like you the way you are. Charisma Junsu,” he grins for a second and then there is a moment, which feels like it is supposed to be something. Junsu’s lips twitch upwards.
“Good boy,” Yoochun says and lets go of the wrists, but not before he presses his lips against Junsu’s. Maybe it lasts a little too long to just come across as consolation, but it cannot be long enough to mean any different. Yoochun does not look at him when he walks away and leaves Junsu standing there, suddenly shaking on his feet.
But there has never been any talking, and therefore they are just two things of the past.
Eventually, it becomes unavoidable and so is Yoochun.
They are standing on the balcony and Yoochun is smoking a cigarette whilst Junsu is trying to figure out how to not destroy his best friend’s happiness, how to not destroy the friendship they have been holding on to so dearly. Junsu does not want to start this conversation, but Yoochun does.
“Hey. About that,” he begins, the ashes falling from his cigarette, twirling downwards to where Junsu’s eyes do not follow. He looks at ease in his slightly oversized black hoodie, but his shoulders are a straight line, even as he leans his back against the railing.
“Your girlfriend, you mean,” Junsu offers lightly, not looking his friend in the eye. It is easier to pretend that he has not been thinking about his resentment towards the obviously so loveable human being Yoochun has chosen as his partner. “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” but it does not sound honest.
Yoochun catches on to that and Junsu turns away a little, stares at the skyscrapers and their lights, sees the traffic but does not hear their sounds over his own heart hammering in his chest. He is not even sure what to call this emotion. Anger, jealousy, sadness - it all does not quite fit the trembling in his joints or the weakness in his knees.
The cigarette ends up on the pavement below and Junsu can feel Yoochun moving about, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans and his face probably puzzled, whatever. He does not really need to know, but Yoochun insists, “Is that. I mean, so you really mean that?” just curiosity, Junsu decides. Aside from curiosity, there is nothing else there in the other man’s question.
However, it is out before he can stop himself. “No,” he says slowly, frowning as he rubs fingertips at his temples in order to calm himself down. The attempt is futile and he does not miss the surprised expression on Yoochun’s tired face when he glances up. He wants to tell the man he should stop being so selfish, to think that he alone is entitled to feel worn out whilst he has never even began to see how much of a mess this is. “No, I can’t,” he admits.
Yoochun lets out a heavy sigh and Junsu suspects that he’s been holding his breath, trying to come up with a proper reply. Like there is any. He wonders what the other will say, rather than giving attention to the fact that he has just wrecked about everything he could have possibly done with those simple words.
“You will be alright,” Yoochun tries to decide for him, but his voice is weak and so is his attempt at fixing this situation. Junsu laughs humourlessly, shaking his head.
“No, I won’t be alright,” he tells him, hands coming down to rest on top of the railing. Turning his body slightly, he fixes his eyes upon Yoochun’s posture and eventually rests them on the man’s face. “I want to be selfish for just this once,” he confesses, surprised by the strength of his own words. “This,” he moves his hand back and forth in the air between them, “that one time. That one time destroyed whatever I thought of as the truth, you know that? That which I believed, which I want to believe, is more than just that. More than just some stupid friendship or being in the same fucking boyband,” he pauses, takes a breath and feels the sharpness of the words on his tongue.
“I thought that it all meant, that it would eventually all mean that you thought about me in another way.”
Yoochun’s fist collides with the wall. Junsu does not watch it. He feels like he has just trampled on his own heart and feels the bitterness of it run through his veins, pumping like adrenaline. He is ready for the blow, for whatever words Yoochun has left after his confession, but he does not get any.
When there is nothing but wind and traffic sounds, Junsu turns once more to look at his band mate and sees Yoochun looking back at him, shoulders sagged and hands back in his pockets. There is heaviness in the moment and Junsu wishes he would swallow back the words that follow,
“She is just a girl. What am I?”
It takes a long time but then Yoochun turns his back to the other singer and there are other sounds, sounds of sadness that Junsu has heard before. Sobs muffled by sleeves and hands, a man trying hard not to cry. Inside, Jaejoong laughs and Changmin turns on the music. ‘I believe we place our happiness in other people’s hands…’
Junsu embraces the other man, so tight that his arms lose feeling and so close that he might be the one crying when the other has already stopped.
“Home,” comes the answer, later that night. It is dark in the apartment and they have not spoken to each other in hours, but somehow they are on the same couch and their legs are entangled. Yoochun nurses a cup of coffee and Junsu still feels the warmth of it on his hands from when he made it for the other.
“Home, that is what you are.”