(no subject)
after reading lisa's post.. i realized that i too feel very lost.
i don't know what i want anymore. i continuously debate changing schools, changing my major, or just not going back. i don't feel truly happy anywhere anymore. since leaving home for school i feel like i gave up the right to call this place "home". i don't know when i'm going to find my new home, and i don't like the fact that i may feel like this until i do.
i have never handled stress well, and so this is adding to my frustration. on the day i get back, i move in at 9:30 AM, have rehearsal at 3 PM, and then recruitment from 6 PM until they feel like letting us sleep. I get a rough 6 hours to set up my entire room and feel "adjusted". i'm expected to fall back into place right away and i don't know if i can do that.
i have taken so many different things for granted now that i wish i hadn't. every single one of my friendships has changed, and some no longer exist. places around here and things i used to do no longer hold the same amount of excitement. everything that once made me me is simply drifting away. i no longer have a sense of self, and i wonder how long it's going to take me to rediscover one. i also feel that sitting in the same routine isn't helping.
my prospective of love has changed also. i no longer understand it. i thought it was something i wanted, something that just needed to be obtained to feel whole.. but instead i feel empty. i love the idea of love, but i don't want it for myself. it scares me to death, the thought of completely giving myself to another person. i don't want to be tied down, i don't want to feel restricted, yet i keep putting myself into situations where i limit myself like that.
what i need to do is find balance. of everything. i'm just really not sure how to do that.
i don't know what i want anymore. i continuously debate changing schools, changing my major, or just not going back. i don't feel truly happy anywhere anymore. since leaving home for school i feel like i gave up the right to call this place "home". i don't know when i'm going to find my new home, and i don't like the fact that i may feel like this until i do.
i have never handled stress well, and so this is adding to my frustration. on the day i get back, i move in at 9:30 AM, have rehearsal at 3 PM, and then recruitment from 6 PM until they feel like letting us sleep. I get a rough 6 hours to set up my entire room and feel "adjusted". i'm expected to fall back into place right away and i don't know if i can do that.
i have taken so many different things for granted now that i wish i hadn't. every single one of my friendships has changed, and some no longer exist. places around here and things i used to do no longer hold the same amount of excitement. everything that once made me me is simply drifting away. i no longer have a sense of self, and i wonder how long it's going to take me to rediscover one. i also feel that sitting in the same routine isn't helping.
my prospective of love has changed also. i no longer understand it. i thought it was something i wanted, something that just needed to be obtained to feel whole.. but instead i feel empty. i love the idea of love, but i don't want it for myself. it scares me to death, the thought of completely giving myself to another person. i don't want to be tied down, i don't want to feel restricted, yet i keep putting myself into situations where i limit myself like that.
what i need to do is find balance. of everything. i'm just really not sure how to do that.