i felt all of these things and never told anyone
i have a problematic relationship with not the world just everyone who lives in it
for the most part, i think we are just sleepwalking human machines who are scared to dream, question, answer, believe, take action, embrace and heal.
slow is boring and fast has become average. our likelihood to survive depends heavily on the availability of cable connections, instant messaging and fast food. at the end of the day the fries are in the trash can because we liked having the money to buy it and of course a chance to consume never stopped being exciting ever since we broke our first toy so we could get our next. our desk is messy with stacks of books and cds and dvds we try to go through sometimes although we know we don't want any of them unless they promise to deliver emotions almost immediately or speak to us on a personal level because other people's tragedies are now fictional and the only truth that matters is our own. we look at paintings and feel that if we don't get the point straight away it must be really stupid or ridiculously subtle or at the very least pretentious as well as pointless. besides which, everything must have a point to it because otherwise it's just us wasting our time with the unnecessary and forgetting to live our "life" which includes: not thinking, not smiling, not taking risks, not looking at the sky, not being curious about each other, not buying gifts for the hell of it instead of in the name of the birth of christ, not playing under the rain without raincoats for the fear of getting sick and wasting even more of our time, not cooking for people we love (this may or may not include ourselves). we don't like to think but we like to say we don't have the time for it, the way we don't have the time to stop to get answers to each "how are you" we spill out as we walk because we have a burger in one hand and a briefcase of overdue reports on the other, just like we don't have the time to admire the things the sky sketches like sketches of a four year old the silver shining among the clouds maybe our grandfather who is smiling down on us
we are only thankful during thanksgiving dinners or if we come across people with disabilities
criticism can be "tasteless" but applause is always well deserved and appropriate
when we write we like to ornament with words we like to know people cry to them we feel like our letters must be straight to the point so people will find it in themselves to read we feel guilty for taking space in each other's daily schedules we make appointments to see our own mother this is the woman you came out of mother you were the first woman i ever knew i cried today because i missed you when a boy introduced me to his own she's here to see him graduate. . .
we are scared to get too personal too close too available too honest
we must over-achieve and over-accessorize although overly emotional is unwanted
we engage in conversations where we claim we like to "learn" something from everything well i hear people find movies about guns and with excessive violence absolutely succesful nothing causes a physical reaction unless it's extreme or overdone and the cinematography must be lush and out of this world and make sure the lighting covers up all the scars
we are so desensitized now someone could paint a new mona lisa and we'd turn away to ask for more coffee.
our birthdays allow us to believe we grow a little bit every year when mostly we're only celebrating the passage of time and how we age without accomplishing anything for us or the rest of the world, our birthday parties become just another excuse to get drunk with other people which mostly seems like a good deal because it has turned into the easiest way to make friends thanks to the way alcohol washes away our tendency to be excessively judgmental as often as we can
we ask people to please have a great day as we forget to help our own friends through their dilemmas
the easiest way to say i love you or i am sorry or to hug each other is through chat windows or email boxes or as we text each other through cell phone we can't stay away from god forbid someone remembered to tell us we matter today and we missed it
god forbid we made a mistake and failed our top spot on somebody's list
god forbid we fell off the pedestal
god forbid the messages on our answering machines came to an end
let's go out tonight and not limit ourselves to a quick kiss on the lips
let me put my tongue in your mouth
will you fuck me up the ass
let this blowjob be a lovely reminder of the spiritual connection between us that i expect not to die anytime soon
boy you have seen nothing yet
i'll fake this orgasm so well it will make you feel so good i will let you have such power over me you'll want me in your arms tomorrow morning and tomorrow night again and the night after that
please kiss me now i'm drunk and i've waited all of five minutes let's feed off each other i'll be your anti-depressant if you be my favorite haiku i wrote during some class i never wanted to take in the first place let's go to this movie tonight i heard it's a tear jerker it will pull our heart strings we'll be awestruck and forever recommending it to all our friends later over pizza leftovers actually maybe you can get me the dvd for christmas unless we forgot each other's names by then
for the most part, i think about us as humans as sleepwalking human machines who are scared to hope, try, achieve, commit, live and laugh and i cry and i cry and i cry.