Whoa
this year has been NUTZ with a z. I can't believe the craziness that has happened etc. i have never really felt the way i have been feeling lately and i am so confused still as to what's going on with me?! am i just finding out my true self? how cliched?!? anyway things have settled down a bit i guess so i can more or less sit with it and realize the good that has come out of all this but its been a wacky little road and just talking about it, helps me to accept it and make steps towards being myself all the time no questions.
i feel like the ugly sweater and being so awkward yet fuzzy that i attract and repel people in the same sentence. I had this horrible dream last night about my mom screaming at me for not eating meat and making me justify myself to the whole family while being stared down and judged at some contorted county fair. To top it off in my dream alex was there and then not there and when i called him to find him and talk to him he told me he left with friends and that he was not coming back. I woke up feeling rejected and pathetic, it was not nice at all. That dream really sums up how i have been feeling lately. i just dont feel like i will ever fit in. i make myself an outsider and then get frustrated that i am the outsider but i did it to myself. its a distressing cycle that i want to stop now... my plan is to just try to be myself in every situation and make myself happy and comfortable. For a long time now i have been disillusioning myself with how uncomfortable i have been with my body and how i view my body. its not something new that i have just uncovered, but something that i have delt with and tried to throw it back under the table so many times.
for myself i need to type it out and maybe ill be able to see some connections that will help me, i dont know. I have always felt like i was on the chubby side and specifically i think the beginning of the pain started when i was in middle school at christmas when my grandma, who i LOVE dearly, gave me and my cousin underwear in our stockings. hers were a size 5 small, and mine were a size 7 large. I was two years younger then her, really unsure of myself and i was absolutely horrified. It was too big but i still felt like something was wrong. it wasnt her fault i should have talked about it instead of crying in the bathroom, but now i see it.
through high school you are always concious of the way you look and i have always felt like i needed to be smaller, even when you are a size 4, which is small. but when my best friend in high school decided she needed to lose some weight i saw her taking weight loss pills and i decided to do the same. it did not occur to me that exersicing would be the obvious solution, healthy solution. One night after i had been taking these for about a month, i hastily decided to go visit someone at purdue and drove in the middle of the night up there. wanting to feel great up there i took one too many of the pills while drinking a giant thing of mountain dew. the combination ripped me up. My heart raced and my body shook and no one noticed in the midst of their partying. i stayed up all night, then drove home in the morning my best friend passed out in the passenger seat. My whole body felt like death and i had to stop and eat a candy bar to stop myself from shaking so badly. when i got home i felt horrible.
meeting alex my first year at ball state was great, we fell in love with each other so quickly and he has been amazing through it all. but i think i missed a crutial self loving step where i love myself entirely so as to love others without problem. we recently took a break from being together for me to work on somethings and it felt good, and now we are back together. im really really feeling good about where we are and the changes that are happening to our relationship, but i need self love time and he knows this. i am writing about this to prove to myself that this is the begining and i will see it through to the end. I want to be confident and comfortable to be myself at all times and make no excuses for who i am or what i am. so this is the beginning.
i feel like the ugly sweater and being so awkward yet fuzzy that i attract and repel people in the same sentence. I had this horrible dream last night about my mom screaming at me for not eating meat and making me justify myself to the whole family while being stared down and judged at some contorted county fair. To top it off in my dream alex was there and then not there and when i called him to find him and talk to him he told me he left with friends and that he was not coming back. I woke up feeling rejected and pathetic, it was not nice at all. That dream really sums up how i have been feeling lately. i just dont feel like i will ever fit in. i make myself an outsider and then get frustrated that i am the outsider but i did it to myself. its a distressing cycle that i want to stop now... my plan is to just try to be myself in every situation and make myself happy and comfortable. For a long time now i have been disillusioning myself with how uncomfortable i have been with my body and how i view my body. its not something new that i have just uncovered, but something that i have delt with and tried to throw it back under the table so many times.
for myself i need to type it out and maybe ill be able to see some connections that will help me, i dont know. I have always felt like i was on the chubby side and specifically i think the beginning of the pain started when i was in middle school at christmas when my grandma, who i LOVE dearly, gave me and my cousin underwear in our stockings. hers were a size 5 small, and mine were a size 7 large. I was two years younger then her, really unsure of myself and i was absolutely horrified. It was too big but i still felt like something was wrong. it wasnt her fault i should have talked about it instead of crying in the bathroom, but now i see it.
through high school you are always concious of the way you look and i have always felt like i needed to be smaller, even when you are a size 4, which is small. but when my best friend in high school decided she needed to lose some weight i saw her taking weight loss pills and i decided to do the same. it did not occur to me that exersicing would be the obvious solution, healthy solution. One night after i had been taking these for about a month, i hastily decided to go visit someone at purdue and drove in the middle of the night up there. wanting to feel great up there i took one too many of the pills while drinking a giant thing of mountain dew. the combination ripped me up. My heart raced and my body shook and no one noticed in the midst of their partying. i stayed up all night, then drove home in the morning my best friend passed out in the passenger seat. My whole body felt like death and i had to stop and eat a candy bar to stop myself from shaking so badly. when i got home i felt horrible.
meeting alex my first year at ball state was great, we fell in love with each other so quickly and he has been amazing through it all. but i think i missed a crutial self loving step where i love myself entirely so as to love others without problem. we recently took a break from being together for me to work on somethings and it felt good, and now we are back together. im really really feeling good about where we are and the changes that are happening to our relationship, but i need self love time and he knows this. i am writing about this to prove to myself that this is the begining and i will see it through to the end. I want to be confident and comfortable to be myself at all times and make no excuses for who i am or what i am. so this is the beginning.