Can't think of a subject
It's been a while since I've made a post so it seemed overdue. The insanity of the semester is finally over. I ended up with a few b's; they sting but toward the end the best I could manage was damage control. It's been a rough few months and I'm still feeling a little feeling frayed. However, I sense the opportunity to be happy again and I can't let it pass me by. The only things that are holding me back is my own neurotism, ocd's and insecurities. I've had this alien urge to stay put in the past few weeks that's getting under my skin. For the past few years I've been on overdrive, needing to move, to see, to do, to fight. Now overwhelmingly I want to stay home curled up with some hot cocoa and frank. I'm sure I'll get past it. For the life I want for my self I can't stand still. Or maybe it's not so bad to go slowly...It's a very threatening idea. So much that I understood I wanted has been shaken. Becuase I see my self in everyone I no longer am so sure of who I am as an individual. I'm not so confident in my ability to walk through fire without burning, and I'm not so sure my drive is endless. I really just want something solid to hang onto everything in world is constantly shifting and changing like sand in a desert and in my judgment it weak to have those needs. I'm not sure if all this inner conflict is because I've opened myself up to things outside of myself or because there's a mental dissonance between the person I am and what I've been trying to model. I know I need to sort it out, I can feel it throughout everyday, when I'm driving, working, showering- pulsing just off to the edges of my consciousness. But I'm afraid, afraid to look and decide. Because it may mean that I can't be with the only person I've ever loved, or it may mean a death to the person I've grown up with. So I ignore it with all the strength I have and push on ambivalent and conflicted. I have never let fear rule me. Not ever. Since I was a small child I've rode all the rides in the amusement park. I will never fail to accept a challenge, even if I'm not capable of succeeding. Then again until now I've never loved. Maybe to love is to fear. On a lighter note, I tried hagaan das green tea ice cream and it was absotively delicious.